Would you ever disown your child?

[sunshineandrose]

I'm talking when they are an adult? I don't want to write my person circumstances online so thought I'd go for a generic question. Thank you

There are certain things that, yes, I would disown my child for.

This must be very hard OP.

I think I might guess what you are talking about?

Someone I know was jailed for horrendous child sex abuse, when he was released from prison his mother did offer him a home and I think that was a truly generous gesture - everyone, including her other children, then disowned her but her reasoning was that if she didn't offer this DS a home he would, probably, end up repeating the offence, living with other 'criminals' and then possibly end up harming more children.

I don't know the outcome of the story, we lost touch, but i do know it was one of the most difficult decisions a parent has to make.

No never as if they committed a very heinous crime I would feel I had some blame there too as their mum.

LeftRightCentre

Hideous story isn’t it.

i think i would find it very hard to be an effective parent to one of my children that had significantly harmed another of my children. I'm thinking a sibling sexually abusing a younger sibling for instance. I just think i'd owe that other child 100% support and not thinking oh my mum is visiting my abuser in prison today.

I think otherwise i would probably be hoping that some sort of contact would help them reform

I don’t know is the honest answer. I’d like to think not, but until you’re pushed to make the decision I don’t think anyone truly knows.

I wouldn’t judge though, for what that’s worth. Sorry you’re having such a hard time OP

I don't think you can say a blanket "never!" because look at all the mums who are faced with utter horror, terrible murders, child abuse etc and their adult child shows no remorse.

I hope I never have to face something like this, my heart goes out to those that do and are destroyed by it (because some don't give a monkeys lets face it)

If my adult child was a paedophile then yes.

My husband has been disowned. Why? Because he won’t dance to his mothers tune.

I would, for doing something like the James Bulger incident, sexual abuse, being an awful person etc. Because how could you live with yourself otherwise? Having contact does implicitly say you're okay with the actions.

Having contact does implicitly say you're okay with the actions

From experience I think what happens instead is denial and minimising to a point where you can be okay with the actions because if you stood back and truly absorbed the gravity of the situation you’d be gone in a flash.

@pandarific that's interesting you say that about the James Bulger case. They were only 10 years old, would you disown your 10 year old?

See, if my child was only 10, I definitely wouldn't. It's just hard as they are an adult.

Out of curiosity - a general question - why do you all say you'd never disown your own child, yet often have no qualms about going NC with parents?

No nothing could make me disown my child, even as adult. Even if they committed a heinous crime - naturally I would be horrorified - but I could never disown them. My loyalty is to my family.

The upbringing given to a child will influence and shape their behaviour as an adult so parents are, at the very least, partly responsible for the outcomes.

If one child killed its sibling, yes, I could easily see the parents wiping their hands.

Didn’t Dennis Nilson’s loving mother go NC when she found out he was gay? Apparently she could stomach the 12 + murders but the fact he was up for a bit of the other was beyond all forbearance...

I find it extremely difficult when I hear the parent is to blame. I've raised 3 children and the other 2 aren't the same. I like to think it isn't my fault but I know deep down I had to have gone wrong somewhere.

I would, for doing something like the James Bulger incident, sexual abuse, being an awful person etc. Because how could you live with yourself otherwise? Having contact does implicitly say you're okay with the actions.

Odd way of thinking, it doesn't imply you condone abuse and murder at all

In think it’s impossible to know the answer to this unless you’re in that situation. And I’m so sorry you’re in that situation OP.

Looking at my two small boys playing I can’t imagine ever disowning them, but honestly? I don’t know what I would do if they ever committed a horrible crime against someone innocent.

I disagree OP, I grew up in the same house as my brother, with the same parents and if anything he had an easier time than me (I’m the eldest) yet he is a complete psychopath (I don’t mean the movie definition, I mean the literal definition). He’s just not a decent human being in any way shape or form and my mum was distraught at his behaviour, even on her deathbed.

There comes a point where adults need to take responsibility for their own actions and choices, go easy on yourself.

@sunshineandrose
Believe me, your not to blame. I spent years blaming myself for my Dd's actions.

sunshine we cannot stop outside influences from affecting our children. This is one factor in why my son went to prison, along with his SEN and his vulnerability. It isn't your fault [but I agree it is hard not to think like that]

NO. My 2 sons are in their 30s, can come here for anything, any time, and I'll help them. They'd have to be rapists, paedophiles or something equally terrible for me to disown them - and they never would be.

My 37yr old son has been back here since May, and I'll support him all the way.

No. Never.

I will say this OP, I would NEVER, EVER say a word to any parent who was in the awful position of having to make such a decision. NEVER!! I think my primary thought would be 'there but for the grace of God go I' and keep my big fat mouth shut.

I wish you peace and strength, whatever you decide. I can't imagine a harder decision.

"My loyalty is to my family."

But what if your child's actions threaten to harm your other children or wider family members?

I will say this OP, I would NEVER, EVER say a word to any parent who was in the awful position of having to make such a decision. NEVER!! I think my primary thought would be 'there but for the grace of God go I' and keep my big fat mouth shut.

Absolutely this.