Would you ever disown your child?

[sunshineandrose]

I'm talking when they are an adult? I don't want to write my person circumstances online so thought I'd go for a generic question. Thank you

I really feel for you Sunshine must be so awful for you, mine are adults & I can’t imagine having to disown them, but I truly don’t know how I would react, if either did something really terrible & how you reconcile that I don’t know, I hope you find peace with what ever decision you come to💐

The thing is, parents of children who do something truly horrendous do not get off lightly themselves. I know someone who is the mother of someone who did something very bad (don't want to be specific). She lost her job, so called "friends" sold photos and info to the papers, her home was pulled apart by police, she had to move as people knew where she lived. She then cut herself off from everyone that remained as she didn't know who she could trust anymore. It was absolutely heartbreaking. The child was her only child too. If she disowned him then who did she actually have left? I don't even know whether she did disown him or not because of the fact she cut contact with everyone. He did a terrible thing, but he didn't just stop being her son the moment he did it. You can't just cut ties and stop loving your own child just like that. And it is so isolating to be the mother or father of a child who commits a terrible crime. I watched a documentary about the family of Fred West and I always remember one of his relatives saying "we're victims too" because of all the abuse they received. It's very sad all round. I don't "blame" someone who disowns their child in horrible circumstances but I just couldn't do it.

If your adult child did awful things, showed no remorse, was likely to do terrible things in the future and brought significant pain to you or other close family members then I suspect you probably should disown them or at least limit your contact to the minimum. It's hard to imagine your lovely small children growing up to be awful people but sadly some people do, and while upbringing may be a significant factor most of the time sometimes it really isn't, or not directly so. Besides which if for example you spoiled your child and they tuned out to be incredibly self centred and unconcerned about hurting others is that truely your fault? Sure their approach to life might have been partly a response to you being too soft when they were little, but their actions as an adult are their responsibility, not yours.

@Lynne1Cat "they never would be" yes, that's what we all say.

I don't believe that anything can answer this honestly. Unless they've been in a position of having their adult child do something heinous.

Sometimes for example with addiction, you have to protect yourself because addicts are impossible to deal with until they're ready to get help.

I think what I can say is I wouldn't disown my child, but I might cut contact if just say I thought that they were going to be a danger to myself or my other family.

Agree with ihuntmonsters absolutely 100%.

Never. My child is my blood. And blood is forever.

I have a stepdaughter who while not disowned, I have somewhat given up on.

She has had everything, money, love, assurance of her character, time, us dealing with all SORTS of stuff and she runs away, accuses us of things (providing her with drugs, beating her up) to the authorities, steals things, shouts and screams at us, invites horrible people to our home and has police looking for her and having us as 'suspects' . She's ran away (again) at the minute and apparently the police have found her but can't tell us where she is (she's 18). Not disowned, but my poor brain as had enough sleepless nights and worrying and crying and driving me nuts. I have given up and only hope the sweet girl she is deep down realises all we've done and comes back someday.

OP, specifically in your situation. I would say do what feels right to you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, or what they would do or not do. I imagine the fact you've posted this means you are in a heart breaking dilemma and I really feel for you. Whatever your child did, they made a choice. If the consequence of that choice is losing their family then unfortunately they will have to live with that. The fact you have posted suggests to me that you just don't know what to do.

Know one thing, it is 100% ok for you to say "I can't see you right now". You absolutely do not have to decide this very minute whether to stand by them or disown them. If you need space and time to decide how you feel long term that is totally your right to do so. So please don't put pressure on yourself.

Well exactly, it's really not that unusual for people who present as 'pillars of the community' to be secretly be doing awful things. Domestic abusers who present as charming individuals to everyone except their spouses. Family friends and community leaders who abuse children using that position of trust are often thought of as people to look up to until their crimes come to light. Just look at the most recent family annihilator whose wife was telling the world what a great husband he was just days before he killed her and their children too. As parents I'm sure we think we know our children through and through, and of course for most of us that us true, but some people are fantastic manipulators, and those we know the best are I would have thought the easiest to manipulate.

No never, I might feel shame, disgust, deep disappointment but I gave birth to my children and they are part of me as long as I live. If they need me I am here.
I would however shop them to the police if I knew they were guilty of a crime which harmed another person.

Yes. I could. I wish I didn’t know that, but I do. It’s horrendous.

It's obviously hard to contemplate now as they are innocent children but yes I believe I would if they had hurt someone. Things like murder, sexual abuse etc.

Nope. Never. If they did something truly awful I would still love them but likely wouldn’t be able to live with it myself and likely jump off a building. I’d never stop loving them or disown them though, I just wouldn’t be able to, so ending it would be easier

I don’t think parents are necessarily to blame for their adult children’s crimes. Adults make life choices some of which can be sickeningly wrong. I couldn’t condone or support such choices nor could I say,”You are no child of mine.”

I know parents whose adult son abused their grandchild. They didn't disown him, but they didn't enable or cover up either. They made him to go to the police, confess and plead guilty.

I think i would probably take this approach.

Some of these posts are ridiculous and airy fairy.

Frantically you'd kill yourself? Others saying no, never blood is forever.

What if for example one of your adult children sexually abused your other younger child? Showed no remorse, you had reason to believe they'd do it again, and the abused sibling was still a minor living with you?

People are really saying that they'd stay in contact with the adult abuser or they'd kill themselves?

Thegrey what if the victim was another of your children?

My parents have responded to their life long predatory abusive paedophile son in the manner you suggest “as blood” and “they’d never disown a child” and given him the hearing they feel he deserves and completely alienated their other children (2 of whom are his victims) in the process. Would you support the perpetrator over your other children if they were the victims for example?

Murder or rape.

It would depend entirely on what they had done I think.

I'd like to imagine I wouldn't, but if they did something truly horrific then yes, I probably would.

Hugs OP

I hope I wouldn't disown them. I might have no contact if their actions were such that they put me or others around me in jeopardy or if contact was not positive for either of us. But they don't stop being my son or daughter whatever they've done, so I don't think I would deny their existence or be unwilling to see them if it wasn't a negative interaction.

I don't think having contact implies support for the actions. People are more than the worst thing they have done in their lives (and less than the best they have done). I can't think of people in such a one dimensional way, it's dangerous and a bit pathetic.

Obviously if one of your adult children has abused one of your other children then they would not be allowed in your home or around your other children at all in any circumstances... but would I still visit in prison and still answer the phone to them... yes I would because they are still my child. That doesnt mean id make excuses for them or downplay what they did or be any less horrified and angry.

Those of you saying no, most likely you've never been met with the unfortunate event of having to do so.

If your child for example was using drugs, not accepting any help, fighting towards you and the rest of the family, stealing money, breaking things.. I think you would be left with no option.

Obviously there are hundreds of other scenarios too. It's easy to say 'no, never' when you've never had to come to that.

My in laws disowned their daughter (my sister-in law) because she left home against their wishes. Her father died having never saw or spoke to her again and her mother recently agreed to see her after 35 years of no contact.

Really tough question sunshine and I think it has to depend on the individuals and the circumstances involved in a particular instance. I can hypothesise right now but, god forbid, unless I am living it, I wouldn't know. A member of my extended family did an unbelievable thing owing to her drug addiction, rightly or wrongly the rest of the extended family turned their backs on her. I was young at the time so was never actively involved. But I do remember the heartbreak it caused for some. I hope you can make peace with whatever decision you come to

I also think a PP raises a valid point re NC. Switching it the other way around to go NC with parents somehow seems more acceptable and of course the dynamics and emotions at play are different, but the blood 'ties' remain.