Would you ever disown your child?

[sunshineandrose]

I'm talking when they are an adult? I don't want to write my person circumstances online so thought I'd go for a generic question. Thank you

Yes. There are a few reasons I could understand NC for a period of time (I.e addiction), but child abuse is the one from which there'd be no going back for me.

Yes, but with a heavy heart. I’ve seen families ruined by one nasty piece of work, who should have been left to fend for himself.

Annie Huckle’s family were perfectly normal and loving and their other son was fine. Richard Huckle apparently raped around 200 children, some in nappies. Aren’t there situations where the family didn’t nurture that behaviour?

My dad has disowned me. He would scream suicide threats when not getting his own way (he did it as coercive control and it worked on me because I had witnessed a suicide attempt by him when I was 17). I set boundaries when he started the threats in front of my 11 year old and he promptly disowned me.

I would not disown mine unless they had done something awful.

I don't think I could bear to look at a DC of mine who had

Raped/physically abused a child or an OAP
Raped a woman
Was into Beastiality

I wouldn't want to see them but other things , not listed, No I would not disown.

If they raped or abused a child yes.

I should imagine it's absolutely soul destroying to find yourself in the position of Huckle's family or Ian Watkins' family. I can totally understand why parents would "disown" that. It's not a one size fits all thing though, so many variables in relationships. My own mother isn't wildly keen on me but our totally dead relationship is the result of much more than one thing. I will never treat my children the way I have been but there ate definitely things which would be completely unacceptable to me.

yes. The full Monty - going NC and rewriting my Will etc.
Obvs for horrific crimes like Rape, Child Abuse, murder etc but I think I'd also struggle with theft or violence directed at myself or close family members if it was to fund an addiction.

About 40 years ago, my first husband cheated my father out of a rather small amount of money but it was the fact he thought it was OK really made me wonder what sort of person he was. We split up about a year later, and I haven't spoken to him since.

Yes, I do think that there is a point that it is in the best interests of the parents' health (physical and mental) that they should go no contact or 'disown' their children. And I do also think some actions are so heinous that some people would never be able to forgive.
I don't believe that just because someone is a member of the family, that that automatically means all their actions and behaviours are forgiven or that they should continue to be treated the same as before those actions.

Of course it's all about morals really. And to be fair I don't have kids.

I would find cruelty to animals and children very hard to forgive, DD loves both so unlikely to happen.
Otherwise never.

Yes, if they did something heinous.

I think there are circumstances where I would, yes. They would be extreme as detailed above.

In case of addiction I hope I would be able to set boundaries, detach and not enable, but I would not disown.

Yes. Rape, paedophillia, pre-meditated murder.

No, never. I say this as someone who has worked with people that have done terrible things. There are very few truly "evil" people in this world. And Annie is mostly right, barring a minority of exceptions upbringing does make them the adults they are.

Of course. A couple of reasons. Possibly?
I believe in nature more than nurture.

Yes, some things are too awful to forgive.

No.

I wouldn't ever disown. But I don't think I would be able to maintain a good relationship if my DC ever murdered/sexually assaulted anyone.

By disown I mean not visit them in prison and never have contact when they are released.

I might depending on the crime. But when I think of any of my actual children committing some heinous crime, I can't imagine just abandoning them.

It is very hard OP if you are struggling with this decision.

Never. Not a chance. They could murder my other child and I would still not disown them. I made them and they’re a part of me.

BUT, I would never judge someone who did, as long as they had their valid reasons

I have had experience of that OP and I didn't disown him and he still lives with us.

I would have said never, but having to see the distance my mother has had to create between her and my brother because of his actions has made me realise that as much as we love our children we sometimes have to stop letting them be a part of our lives to save ourselves.

It's breaking my mother's heart but she can't keep being his emotional and mental punching bag and issuing threats to anyone that disagrees with him.

I'd like to think my children wouldn't ever do something so hurtful to me that I'd have to create that distance but I'm pretty certain my mother never imagined how broken our family would become after many years of being a solid and supportive unit.

Judging someone for making a decision that's about self-preservation is unhelpful and pointless.

Yes but only in the most extreme and horrendous circumstances, like they raped and murdered someone, or were an active paedophile with no remorse.
Jesus, I’m welling up just thinking about it!

No never. I feel your child is your emotional responsibility no matter what they have done. Of course thats not the same as covering up for them or enabling them or playing down terrible things they may have done. I would just never say 'thats not my child' and I would never cut contact unless that was what they wanted.

so yes I would visit a child in prison no matter what horrific thing they had done. It would obviously be awful but I think as their mother you have to keep trying with them on some level. I would hate the things they had done and be disgusted etc but I would never disown a child and deny them contact with me if they wanted it.