Would you ever disown your child?

[sunshineandrose]

I'm talking when they are an adult? I don't want to write my person circumstances online so thought I'd go for a generic question. Thank you

NaomhEoin I think that could probably do it. If one of mine murdered a sibling or abused a child I couldn’t ever forgive but I would probably visit in prison if there was no one else. I can’t imagine how I would behave, it is easy for me to say,’I could never...’ but I haven’t been in that situation thank God.
Some crimes are so unimaginably hideous that there is no setting aside.

I mean if he became Fred West or Ian Brady then yes.

That doesnt mean id make excuses for them or downplay what they did or be any less horrified and angry

You’d be massively, massively in the minority so, because minimising and denial are 2 of the most common behaviours associated with predator’s loved ones. They use them as a self defense mechanism and they actually cannot help it in a lot of circumstances. Accepting the truth might break them. You see it when you see wives walking out of court still with their husband who has abused their own children. You see it in parents where their child is an abuser. And that minimising has dire consequences for the victims of the crimes as per the examples above and also for the ability of the family to engage in child protection for other children.

You can keep your distance and refuse to enable without completely disowning someone.
My friend had a serious drug addiction throughout her late teens and early adulthood, eventually ending up in jail for almost killing someone in a violent attack. Her mother certainly kept her distance during those years, her daughter was not allowed in her house because of stealing things, but never entirely turned her back.. always answered when she called even if she did have to sometimes hang up because her daughter would get abusive. Wrote to her and visited consistently when she was in prison.
And I honestly think thats why she pulled through it all in the end and eventually sorted herself out... because she had that basis of unconditional love even when her behaviour was hated.

It's easy though to say 'I'd visit them in prison', 'I'd keep contact but not have them in my house'.

Too idealistic. What if you keeping contact destroyed other family members? What if the adult child didn't accept not being allowed in your home? What if they were harassing other family members, what if the person had abused children and there were grandchildren involved.

It could even be that you were caring for that persons child who'd been removed from their care.

Never say never.

I don't think it's an odd way of thinking @NewYearNewMe18 - why do you say that? I personally feel that keeping contact in the face of damning evidence is implicitly accepting the action and not respecting the reality of the effect on the victim. For example, on this thread people have given examples of having had a sibling that sexually abused them, and parents that keep contact and how that makes them feel. You read it all the time here too - the efforts made by parents to whitewash and rewrite history to make everything 'nice' again, at the expense of someone who's been abused. I get why it might happen, I genuinely do and it's a hard situation - I just couldn't do it I don't think. In general I feel so sorry for family of awful individuals like that, I wouldn't assume it was their 'fault' somehow.

OP I had honestly forgotten the perpetrators of the James Bulger case were that young. I have no idea what I'd do in that case - apart from pray it never happened to me - but honestly I couldn't blame the parent of the perpetrator either. We know some people are born psychopaths, it is a fact. For something so extreme at such a young age I'd assume that this was the case, and feel desperately sorry for the parent.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

The only three circumstances I can think of are:

1. If they did something to hurt my grandchild or
2. Committed an act of terrorism.
3. Killed/assaulted a child

Apart from that I could accept (if not be on with) anything.

I don't know OP. And if you are in the position of having to make that decision I feel for you, because it must be breaking your heart.

In theory I feel that if you cut them off you leave them with no way back. It's like saying, there is no hope for you.

Also you deprive yourself of the comfort of knowing they have turned a corner and made good, if that happens. It might provide you with temporary relief but in the longer term I wonder if it will cause you more pain?

But I could never judge someone who decided to do this. I wish you well.

If my children ( now adults) did something terrible I could not condone the crime, but disown them, never.
I can't imagine what you are going through Op, but I hope you have others around to support you, whatever you decide.

I've had to do this. Unfortunately the DC has Frequently beaten me up and threatened to kill me. Eventually the police insisted on a restraining order. Because they didn't want me to become another victim. I miss him everyday.

topsyhair I take your point. I will never say never then. It would have to be in order to protect other people rather than out of disgust or wanting to disassociate myself from what they had done...

Its just I work in mental health and used to work on a male ward with many patients who had committed sex offences and very violent crimes. That colours my views a bit because I was almost as appalled by the behaviour of some of the families as I was with the patients sometimes.... but these patients were deemed to be and clearly were very ill so that does make it different..... i guess when I think of people committing violent crime I think of those quite vulnerable people who were never going to be released fully

you are right that it would be very different if someone was actually in full control of what they were doing and free to harass you and the rest of your family

I would/could, for a serious offence, then yes without a doubt.

I couldn’t imagine it happening. My dd is a compassionate and empathetic person and I believe would be remorseful. She is my only child and I wouldn’t choose to live without her in my life.

What do you want to do? This is your choice. Don’t keep contact through guilt or sever contact because others think you should. Do what you want and need to do for you. Your child chose their path. You can choose yours.

So sorry to read that Enthusiasim that sounds awful. I think posters saying never are understandly doing so from inside their own bubble but for some people their reality is very, very different. If only these situations that warrant estrangement never happened.

Thinking again about this, what I posted before is what I think I would do. In reality it is completely different from imagining anything so awful right now. But I still cant imagine disowning my dc.

I've been disowned by my entire family including siblings and their families.

Want to guess what I did?

Never. I'm a firm believer in nurture rather than nature. Whatever my child becomes would be a product of how I have raised them. Even if they did someting truly terrible, I could never turn my back on them.

I don’t agree with this. Some people have a decent upbringing and still end up being wicked fuckers. I would disown a child (as an adult) if they’d done something really wicked like a premeditated murder or child abuse

Thank you Naomh. Unfortunately he was hooked on drugs and alcohol. It got to the point that I was terrified of him.

Rape. Murder. Paedophilia. Yes

My brother sexually abused my sister. She was much younger than him.

I am still quite disgusted with my parents for not cutting contact with that sick fuck.

Never.

I might not like them, but I would never stop loving them.

My son disowned me 4 years ago, but I would die for him. Part of me is missing but as long as there is breath in my body I will love the big shit.

Child abusers must be wired wrong and that is nature over nurture so if a future child of mine abused a child or physically abused anyone else for no good reason - like the people in care homes who abuse the elderly/vulnerable, I'm not including self defence in this - or anything else equally horrendous, I would disown them without hesitation.

I would say no. My daughter has been vile to me but no way would I disown her. I now keep a suitable distance.

*My brother sexually abused my sister. She was much younger than him.

I am still quite disgusted with my parents for not cutting contact with that sick fuck.*

To be honest namechange from my own experience I think the way parents respond says a lot about why this can happen in the first place. I read somewhere that incest simply does it happen in happy, emotionally open families and it is the last sign of a family breakdown not the first. It certainly rang true in my situation when I looked back.

I think I could bring myself to forgive anything or almost anything my own child did unless they showed no remorse. If there was still something in then to cling on to, some flicker that they felt guilt and could comprehend what they did was wrong then I don’t think I would. If they did something so wrong like the examples people are citing and then didn’t feel any guilt I’m not sure I could see them as my child again.

Also, I only saw one person say it but the more I think about it the whole “I’d help my child bury the body!” thing actually isn’t at all funny.