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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you ever disown your child?

189 replies

sunshineandrose · 21/08/2018 16:18

I'm talking when they are an adult? I don't want to write my person circumstances online so thought I'd go for a generic question. Thank you

OP posts:

toothtruth · 21/08/2018 17:11

And just to add, I would not negatively judge anyone who had to cut ties with a child for self preservation... its just not something I could personally do.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/08/2018 17:12

No, I couldn't turn my back on them.

deepsea · 21/08/2018 17:12

I can’t imagine what has prompted such a difficult and desperate decision. I can however imagine the pain this must be causing you and send you my thoughts and best wishes.

No, I don’t think I could disown my child under any circumstances, but most of us have not faced such a challenging agonising situation and so we wouldn’t know what we would do until we were walking in your shoes. Take time to reflect and consider your decision.

GruciusMalfoy · 21/08/2018 17:14

In extreme circumstances, yes I would. I've seen it have to happen in my extended family, it was for the best in the end.

ParkheadParadise · 21/08/2018 17:15

No i NEVER did. My family and friends told me repeatedly to go nc with her.
I was left brokenhearted by some of her actions.

PipeTheFuckDown · 21/08/2018 17:15

My Gran disowned my Uncle.

Because he abandoned his baby.

Her way of thinking is that if he can’t be arsed to be a parent, why should she be arsed to parent him?

She remains close to her ExDIL and granddaughter.

I back her up completely on this. My ExH walked out on me and our baby, straight back to his mothers, signed on the dole, has no bills to pay, his JSA is fun money, she buys him designer clothes, pays for holidays abroad, etc. All whilst he contributes £7 a week to our D.C. which the CMS has to forcibly take and she had the nerve to knock on my door and scream in my face for it.

GirlfriendInAKorma · 21/08/2018 17:18

@sunshineandrose - it's one thing asking a theoretical question "would you ever..."... but people can't really know until something truly happens which puts them in that situation.

I hope you're ok and have some support. Whatever you're going through sounds awful :(

DieAntword · 21/08/2018 17:18

No. I mean even if they were Hitler Mark 2 or something. I might do things to protect myself and others from them but I’d visit them in prison.

dinosaurkisses · 21/08/2018 17:19

Yes, if it was a heinous crime or they put any children in the family in danger because of choices they were actively making.

30hours · 21/08/2018 17:19

I don’t think so.

Drivemecrazy1974 · 21/08/2018 17:20

I haven't BUT sometimes I wish I could. Not going to go into details but the choice to disown them was certainly one to be considered. I chose not to because I felt that if I did that, they would carry on making bad choices, this way at least, there may still be some hope left.
Mind you, sometimes it is really bloody hard and sometimes, I wish I could just run away from the situation we find ourselves in...

LeftRightCentre · 21/08/2018 17:21

If I had a son like this guy, yes. family annihilator

toothtruth · 21/08/2018 17:21

pipethefuckdown I dont think there are only two choices though... disown completely or completely enable!

MalloryLaurel · 21/08/2018 17:23

If they were sane and committed a sexually motivated crime I would. I was abused sexually and I don't think I could deal with them doing it to anybody.

PipeTheFuckDown · 21/08/2018 17:27

@toothtruth Totally agree. It was gut wrenching for my Gran, it’s not quite that black and white - she had a son who died as a baby, which now means she lost 2 sons, but she couldn’t stand to see her son abandon his child, when she had been denied the chance to raise one of hers.

PippaPenny · 21/08/2018 17:28

In your situation OP I wouldn't disown because of prison. I might disown based on the crime committed and my DC's reaction to the crime.

CaveMaman · 21/08/2018 17:29

I have joked that the only thing my ds could do that would warrant me to disown him would be if he joined the Tory party, but that's a joke.

I can't imagine disowning him over anything really. He's my baby.

leighdinglady · 21/08/2018 17:31

It would have to be something horrific like rape or paedophilia.

Knittedfairies · 21/08/2018 17:31

I think I might disown a child, if the crime for which they were imprisoned was severe.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2018 17:32

Disowning as in 'you are dead to me'? Yes. But it would take quite heinous behaviour. Any kind of sex crimes against a child (including dissemination of videos/photos), rape or sexual assault, premeditated cold blooded murder, extreme violence against a person without provocation, and animal cruelty. I'd also probably disown for extreme narcissistic behaviour.

Addiction might make me ban them from my home if I couldn't trust them not to steal or be under the influence, but I wouldn't disown them.

mavismcruet · 21/08/2018 17:32

I don’t think I would cut all ties. I think I would feel partially responsible for their behaviour as they are a product of me. I would feel responsible for their rehabilitation and remorse.

My own kids are very young so it is easy for me to think I’d never cut ties with them. However, looking at how my own parents are with me and my siblings, Im pretty sure they would not cut ties and somehow hope that they could influence my life for the better - no matter how awful a thing I had done.

Hypothetical is all well and good though. I’ve no idea how they/I would really react if one of us did something truly horrendous.

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP

leighdinglady · 21/08/2018 17:33

My dad disowned us because his (6th!) wife wasn't given a place at my top table. She'd been around about five minutes and surprisingly enough, that place was reserved for my mum. 8 years ago now. Broke my heart at the minute, but it was always going to happen. He was a narc. He'd already disowned previous kids that I never even got to meet

Original poster

sunshineandrose · 21/08/2018 17:33

It's very tough and I'm struggling with it. Especially when I think back to raising them, the little baby they once were.

Some people have obviously written "never, unless they did something turkey awful" well, yes. I'd say that's how almost all parents feel, but I think that's because we never think the awful will ever happen, so in our heads it's always never. But this is the awful, the awful I never thought would happen.

Yes I have great support around me it's just a personal decision I have to make and just wanted to see what others thought. I know I can't give my exact situation but just in general.

OP posts:

WeightorWhite · 21/08/2018 17:34

I think I'd say no but then I also think we all have a breaking point?

Imagine abusing children....

NaomhEoin · 21/08/2018 17:36

I am reading this with interest. I have asked my parents to disown my brother who sexually abused me and another family member and they have refused for many of the reasons given here on this thread.

All sounds very reasonable in your posts but in reality like any paedophile my brother thinks his victims were “up for it” so I get my abusers words filtered back to me through his loyal parents which is utterly fucked up to be on the receiving end of. So I’ve had to go NC with my parents instead. I am not sure the situations that arise are as easy and clear as some of the assumptions on this thread.

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