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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how much you expect to see your adult children?

236 replies

RunningWhipstitch · 20/08/2018 18:56

DP's parents are trying to guilt trip him into spending more time with them.

Despite spending several evenings last week, and offering to see them in his lunch hour today, they are texting and ringing him about how disappointed they are.

How much would you expect to see your children in their mid twenties?

OP posts:
ThePants999 · 21/08/2018 21:14

I live 3+ hours' drive from my dad, and see him 2-3 times a year. Only speak to him on the phone every couple of months too.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/08/2018 21:16

In my 40s and I see my mum 2/3 times a week and speak or text most days. We're in the same small town though so I expect physical proximity helps!

BellaBoo1985 · 21/08/2018 22:21

I see my mother nearly every day (we live just a minute from each other so even if it's just a quick cuppa) and my siblings see her around the same, maybe slightly less. My mother is one of my most favourite persons in the world and we have so much fun together plus my kids adore her. The mother in law is every few weeks and that is enough. Grin

Blackpoolforever · 21/08/2018 22:25

We lived about 50 miles from my parents and saw them about once every two months. DH's lived a bit further away and we saw them about 3 times a year (too often!). All DPs now long dead and our only daughter lives 240 miles away. We see her and her DC every school holiday and most half-terms. However, when DH was seriously ill recently, she was here every weekend for about 5 weeks.

All now recovered and back to previous routine. We phone and Facetime most weekends. We are very close. Your situation, OP, sounds claustrophobic. Please try to live your own lives, unless DPs are seriously ill or something. I should hate to live very close to DPs or DCs, to be honest. Live your lives, not theirs!

Icanttakemuchmore · 22/08/2018 04:17

Our 32 yr old, we see about every 4 to 6 weeks as she doesn't drive and is constantly moving around so not in one place for very long, staying with friends so not able to visit her. 24 Yr old, she visits every 2 weeks roughly, staying overnight. When my dm was alive I visited her about two three times a week. I suppose it all depends on your circumstances and whether you get along. I would never guilt trip my dds to visit.

Nimmykins · 22/08/2018 07:20

I see my parents once a month and occasionally call.

This reminds me of my Nan. I went to visit her and she produced tears saying she didn’t feel she had a daughter as she hardly saw my mum.

I pointed out my mum visited her twice a week. Her response?

“It should be every day.”

ifeellikechickentonight · 22/08/2018 08:04

Mid twenties before children - about every 2-3 weeks, occasionally not for a whole month - we lived pretty close but we were busy working full time and my shifts covered a lot of weekends.

Now we have two kids, we see them once a week on each side. Sometimes twice.

anniehm · 22/08/2018 08:12

Depends on distance, we lived overseas so twice a year but for 2-3 weeks at a time. Since returning a few times a year for long weekends (it's a long drive). We see other relatives (an hour away) a couple of times a month when we do our stint looking after the ailing grandparents.

upaladderagain · 22/08/2018 08:23

DS and DIL moved 2 minutes away from us, and we see them two or three times a week, at their instigation.
DD and SIL live a bit further away but we see them twice a week, as we meet them for a drink regularly and I look after DDG one day a week.
We would never impose ourselves on them, but feel honoured and privileged to be so included in their lives. We all get on really well, and love each other to bits. It makes me sad that so many families are so very different.

OneStepOneStumble · 22/08/2018 08:26

In my early twenties I lived in Glasgow and my parents lived in Plymouth so I saw them once or twice a year (sometimes only Christmas) because it's just too expensive too travel often. Though the year I got married o saw them loads as we decided to get married in the south west so we just had to factor travel in to the wedding plan and budget!

But fort those pp saying it's horrible people go so long without seeing their parents. Sometimes it's out of necessity and I'm very close to my family over the phone! I don't think I could live round the corner, I like my independence 😂

Sb74 · 22/08/2018 08:50

Everyone’s different. It’s whatever you feel happy with, which is obviously not what they are trying to impose, so it needs resolving. it must be hard because I would feel devastated if I didn’t see my children much as adults (they are 9 and 11). I think you get out what you put in though and I would hope my kids would want to see me as adults. I hardly see my my mum because she’s quite a nasty person and I’ve given up. It stresses me out for days after seeing her so I only see her a few times year. It must be hard because I would imagine when your kids are in their 20s it’s a transition into full adulthood that is hard for some parents to deal with. Be kind to them coz he is their little boy. I’ve only felt like that since I’ve had my own children and know how I would feel - different ex’s parents drove me mad at times in the past but I love my in-laws now and I understand their need to see my husband and I instigate seeing them as husband hardly ever does. Maybe you could agree a set time every two weeks or so to see them and they might back off a bit knowing they will see him?

theunsure · 22/08/2018 09:00

When I was local and single I saw them once a week for Sunday lunch.

Now I am married and have moved 1.5hrs away then it is usually about 8-10 times a year. Usually 4 birthdays, Mother's day, Father's day, Christmas, Easter and one or two casual visits.

I would like to see them more but the practicalities of it are difficult as we each have animals so going away is a challenge.

I think it really varies family to family - there is no right amount but I think weekly is probably the most I'd ever want it to be. OP - your DP's parents are being totally unrealistic. I wonder what has prompted it?

politicalcorrectnessisgreat · 22/08/2018 09:09

I am surprised at how often everyone sees their parents! At 19 I left the country, spoke on the phone once a month came back two years later. Moved an hour away, saw them once every few months. I'm 40s now and still see them once every few months.

cricketmum84 · 22/08/2018 09:23

Oh that sounds a bit full on to me!! We live about 5 miles from both sets of parents. My in laws pick the littlest up from school most days so we see them most days but only for a quick 5 mins. We see my parents 2-3 times a month as my parents are shift workers so it can be hard to tie down a time when we are all free! My sister lives next door to my parents and sees them every single day, that would drive me mad!

Pandamodium · 22/08/2018 09:41

We see my parent’s pretty much daily but we live 2 minutes away and me and my mam split my grans care.

Must admit if I hadn’t heard of or seen my mam all day I would ring to check in and her the same.

We see DH’s a lot more since baby DS arrived (very beloved PFGS) they live 10 minutes away and probably 4/5 times a week.

I don’t think there is a right amount of time but everyone has to be happy with it.

cooliebrown · 22/08/2018 10:30

DD is 26
DS is 24

They live & work in the big city, where I also work. I live an hour away, in the house they were born.

They both have a standing invitation that if they meet me at the office I will buy them lunch; I end up seeing them both most weeks. It's totally up to them and I'm very pleased with how often they choose to spend time with me, other than for a free lunch!

Subtlecheese · 22/08/2018 10:35

I am frequently surprised by some adults/ parents are weirdly dependent on each other. I think more than once a month is a bit odd. Everyone has busy lives, too busy for daily get togethers with work, maintaining a home, social life etc

Cupcakecafe · 22/08/2018 10:38

When I'm on maternity leave I tend to see my parents weekly (they work part time and it gives me something to do). When not on maternity leave usually once every 3-4 weeks. They live about 45 minutes away for context.

Pil we tend to see weekly regardless of work, I see them a couple of times a week when on maternity leave. They only live 15m away hence why we see them more.

Auldspinster · 22/08/2018 10:39

I'm 43 and speak to my mum most days (dad dead) and see her most weeks.

VickieCherry · 22/08/2018 10:51

I live 50 miles from my parents and see them every two or three months (usually for a full day out, lunch and dinner, or I go to stay for a couple of days). I email or speak to my mum at least a couple of times a week... less so for my dad but we do have a chat every now and then.

My partner's mum lives 20 mins drive away and we see her every other weekend or so - sometimes he goes to see her without me. That'll be a shorter visit, usually just a Saturday night takeaway or a football match.

I think more than weekly would be a bit much unless there was a specific reason (i.e. childcare, helping when they're older).

bananaboats · 22/08/2018 10:59

I think it depends on relationship as much as distance, DP & FIL both stay 5/10 mins drive from us. We see FIL probably every other week on average, sometimes more but he's usually busy! My DP only really for birthdays, etc so a few times a year. A bit of a weird dynamic as DP actually works for my DFs business and sees him every day but they haven't shown in any interest in seeing us more socially than they already do.

runningkeenster · 22/08/2018 11:24

As someone said, it depends on where you live - and whether you like each other!

I am about 150 miles away from my mum. This year I have seen her 6 times, each time involving at least 2 nights' stay (she visited us on one occasion and we met for a weekend away on another occasion, otherwise we as in family or I have stayed with her). Seeing her again next week; might be Christmas after that unless she comes to us again.

pollymere · 22/08/2018 11:26

When my parents were alive, probably every month ish, my in laws a couple of times a year. I now visit both 2-3 times a year. We don't live nearby and we video chat in laws often. I wish I had seen my parents more often but we both had lives to lead.

NorthernSpirit · 22/08/2018 11:27

God they sound needy. So they not have their own lives or any friends if their own?

I left home at 19 to go to university and never lived back home. I ring once a week and see 2 x per year (we live 200 miles apart).

They need to cut the umbilical cord.

apriljune12 · 22/08/2018 11:41

i think more than once a month Is a bit odd

Odd for you maybe everyone is different.

Once a month would be very odd for us but then all local and that makes s huge difference of course

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