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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how much you expect to see your adult children?

236 replies

RunningWhipstitch · 20/08/2018 18:56

DP's parents are trying to guilt trip him into spending more time with them.

Despite spending several evenings last week, and offering to see them in his lunch hour today, they are texting and ringing him about how disappointed they are.

How much would you expect to see your children in their mid twenties?

OP posts:
oldfatandtired1 · 20/08/2018 19:19

I see my adult sons 3 or 4 times a year. They live in the North of England, I live in Hampshire. We all have full time jobs, they have partners, I’m on my own. I’d love to see more of them but logistically it’s difficult. Always in contact via WhatsApp and text though.

FortyFacedFuckers · 20/08/2018 19:19

I see mine 2 a month, DP sees his about twice a year

Stompythedinosaur · 20/08/2018 19:19

In my mid twenties I saw my mum about 3-4 times a year. Now I'm late 30s with 2 dc and I see her at least once a week.

Their expectations are unrealistic imo.

Puremince · 20/08/2018 19:19

About once a month, as they both live in different cities. We have a family group chat that we post news or jokes on, so usually some form of daily contact, though fairly minimal contact. Occasional family group Skype.

huggybear · 20/08/2018 19:20

I probably see my mum every few weeks, my dad slightly less frequently. We speak all the time though and are very close.

WaitingForSunday17 · 20/08/2018 19:20

I see my parents probably three times a week but I’m an only one so if they don’t see me they don’t see anyone.
I don’t expect to see my children when they are adults at all. I doubt we will have anything in common. My son in particular I think we will just end up sending a Christmas card every year to and that’ll be the only contact we will have. It’s fine, I wouldn’t expect them to visit me at all ever. They don’t owe me anything.

Dh’s mother expects to see us at least three times a week and if we don’t she moans about it.

CountFosco · 20/08/2018 19:23

In the last year I've spent a 2 week holiday and a long weekend with DM. She does live a 2 day trip away. DBro lives next door to her and probably sees her every day. We've seen MIL much more, PILs spent Christmas with us then FIL died in the spring so MIL has spent about 4 weeks with us since then. She lives about 4 hours away.

DoraDont · 20/08/2018 19:23

About once a month. I’m in my forties and they live 50 miles away.

It’s got more regular since I had my dd, and they are pretty elderly now so I like to keep an eye on them.

Unihorn · 20/08/2018 19:23

We currently live with mine while we save again for a house, so everyday! Grin but before moving back in with them I would see them at least twice a week, and normally text every other day or so. One of my brothers phones my mum 2 or 3 times a day however. I always wonder what his wife thinks!

My husband sees his parents about 5 or 6 times a year as they live 3 hours away and we have small children who are shit in the car.

FASH84 · 20/08/2018 19:24

This isn't about how much is too much that's individual, by that age I lived alone but about twenty minutes away so saw them at least once a week, now live a bit further but still once or twice a fortnight depending on commitments, we see DHs parents less as they live further but when we do see them every 6-8 weeks it's usually at least overnight. This will be more obce baby is born and I'm back at work as luckily for us each set of grandparents is looking after the baby one day a week (MIL 2 days some weeks) However no pressure is put on either side about how much we see anyone. In fact we've been trying to catch up with PIL for about eight weeks now but they have quite a weekend social life and have been away a bit, and I'm working away a lot during the week at the moment, so it is what it is. We have family WhatsApp groups too and communicate a lot through them. I know this sounds too much for some on here but it's what works for us.

TrappedByATurtle · 20/08/2018 19:24

My parenty once a year, skype once every two weeks. MIL every week, she looks after DC when I'm at work so she will see me (not DH) at handover. We meet up with MIL & PIL 8 times a year, sometimes more, sometimes less and holiday with them for 1 or 2 weeks.

TrappedByATurtle · 20/08/2018 19:25

How many mistakes Blush

fussychica · 20/08/2018 19:29

DS is 25. We are very close but for various reasons only see him about every three months. He usually spends 3-5 days with us then but occasionally it's just an overnighter. We talk at least weekly and What's app often.

I do wish he lived closer, I'd love to see him at least once a month but it's not possible. I used to see my mum and dad everyday at one period of my adult life and we have had my dad living with us in the past. Both of which I loved. I don't expect that will ever happen with our DS but as long as he is happy and we retain regular contact that's fine by me.

He's coming Saturday before we go abroad again for a while, yay!Smile

fleshmarketclose · 20/08/2018 19:30

I see ds for breakfast Saturday and Sunday and he comes for a meal one evening after work. Dd comes for lunch Saturday and then comes a couple more times at some point in the week. There is no expectation on my part but they tend to turn up anyway most likely because they want food (neither like cooking) and also to see their younger siblings.

RubyLux · 20/08/2018 19:32

I see my married 26 year old once or twice a week. She lives in the same town as me and pops in for a cup of tea once a week on her way home from work. Sometimes she and her husband come round for a bite to eat at the weekend. Perfect for us.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/08/2018 19:32

Mid twenties? - 4-5 times A YEAR

This ^

They get in touch when something wonderful or horrible happens, otherwise we just see them occasionally. I know many people can't live without regular daily weekly contact, but evert 10 weeks or so, with occasional news updates, is enough for me.

#rubbishmother
#doesn''tcare
#secretlymoveshouse

LyndorCake · 20/08/2018 19:33

Yikes. I see mine twice a week, and PILs twice a week too. We're really close. Even my parents and ILs go out together

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/08/2018 19:33

My dd is 10 so it is a long way off. If my dd lived close by I’d probably want to see her at least every couple of weeks. She already does a camp once a year and I don’t see her for a couple of days. It was hard the first year but you get used to it. You have to. It’s about respecting your child and allowing them the freedom to spread their wings... even at 10.

It sounds as though your dps parents act as though they are still parenting a primary school child. Their demands are way too high and will only increase if you go on to have a child together. Them wanting to see their child doesn’t mean they love him any more than I love mine. In fact I’d see it rather as loving mine more because I’m prepared to give her what she wants and needs despite what I actually may want.

InfiniteVariety · 20/08/2018 19:34

I have 3 DDs in their 20s. 2 live in USA so I won't be seeing them till Christmas! We see the youngest quite a lot at the moment but when the university term begins again she'll be gone

AlbertaSimmons · 20/08/2018 19:34

When DS1 was mid-20s I'd say we saw him high days, holidays and when he wanted something Wink. Now he's 32, married with small baby he wants to see us every week which isn't always convenient as we do have a life of our own but I make the effort. DS2 is 25. We see him every couple of weeks -ish.
Tbh, I tend to leave it to them to initiate so that I know I'm not getting in the way, and that when they do see us, it's because they want to, so they're engaged and we all have a great time together.

Dollymixture22 · 20/08/2018 19:36

A couple of times a week - I live close by.

Are his parents in poor health? Do they still work?

They sound really needy. Unless there are some special circumstances he needs to establish boundaries and manage expectations. I assume he is an only child and the only social interaction they have.

BigLass9 · 20/08/2018 19:36

My MIL is like this. Really emotionally abusive and agressive.
I don't expect to see my 2 adult DD that often. Usually see every 2 months or so. But we message each other every couple of days on WhatsApp etc. I would not demand or expect visits.

nicebitofquiche · 20/08/2018 19:36

I speak to my daughter a few times a week. She lives in another part of country and has a busy job. I see her every few months. My son lives in same area but I hardly ever see him. Once every few months if I'm lucky. Which makes me very sad but I'd never tell him that.

Enko · 20/08/2018 19:37

Depends on distance.. It is 2 1/2 years since I last saw my dads (they do not live in the UK) MIL we saw weekly DH would go every Sunday and I would go during the week. SIL would go 2-3 times a week. She passed away in March and I got to say I miss her every day.

I hope mine when they are older will want to come home frequently.

Chocolate1984 · 20/08/2018 19:37

Mid 20s I saw my parents roughly one weekend a month and the odd Saturday my mum would come through. I lived 70 miles from them though. Once I had kids I saw them weekly.

My brother lives closer and sees them weekly. He will also pop in if he is passing.