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Original poster

To ask how much you expect to see your adult children?

236 replies

RunningWhipstitch · 20/08/2018 18:56

DP's parents are trying to guilt trip him into spending more time with them.

Despite spending several evenings last week, and offering to see them in his lunch hour today, they are texting and ringing him about how disappointed they are.

How much would you expect to see your children in their mid twenties?

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 20/08/2018 22:05

I don't think you can ever expect.
I love seeing my ds1 and I cried heaps when he left home, needn't have worried as I see him more now than I did when he lived at home Grin When they have their own life, that's what happens. I find it weird to be in your parents pockets.
I think time over xmas is lovely, but still wouldn't expect it.
I'll probably see less od ds2 when he leaves and dd, well maybe once a year if I'm lucky as she wants to move abroad.

Me and dh moved away, and for the first 9/10 years hardly saw family at all. Others are happy to live round the corner and pop in for tea everyday.
I know a man who goes home to his parents at lunch time, despite being married with a family. He obviously likes the comfort, or is nagged to death.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 20/08/2018 22:11

I see the one remaining member of my birth family - my Dad - about six to eight times a year but each time is for a week or so - we live 400 miles away from each other but he comes on holiday with us (10 days abroad usually) and spends a week at Christmas, and we will go and stay with him for long weekends etc. a few times a year. We also text each other every day.
I think it’s very wrong of your DH’s parents to be guilt tripping him into seeing them OP especially when it sounds as if he is already seeing them frequently (meeting them in his lunch hour sounds a bit over the top) - he needs to establish boundaries but also try and put a stop to the unfair texting and calling designed to make him feel even more obligated to them. They sound rather needy aand that would drive me nuts.

madeyemoodysmum · 20/08/2018 22:13

Once a fortnight usually I saw my mum more often when kids were very little but now they are teens and life so busy They are fine with it.

Alconleigh · 20/08/2018 22:14

I'm surprised at how often other people see each other but I guess a lot of you live locally to each other. My parents lived nowhere near either set of grandparents either, so popping in isn't something that's been possible in my family for 2 generations. It sounds quite nice, but just not something I have any experience of. Most of my friends live far from their parents as well. My family are very fond of each other and have a lot of fun when together but just live quite far apart. I'm not sure how it's going to pan out when they start to need more help, but as my sister and I work full time, at a distance from them, it won't be us providing it, fundamentally. I couldn't help them in the week and actually pay my mortgage, for example.

Maelstrop · 20/08/2018 22:20

OP, what does your DH want? How often does he want to see them? I think it’s far too often from what you’re saying.

I see mine (5 hour drive) maybe twice a year. I try to avoid them, I don’t really like them. A family member told me that I ought to go up every 6 weeks or so. He lives 5 minutes away from his parents and siblings. My mum thinks we ought to be similar. My brother emigrated!

Apparently, I ‘don’t give a shite’-quote from my ‘d’m passed on by other family member. Yeah, that’s why I organised dog/horse care, spent nearly £100 on a present, £120 on fuel and drove 6 hours only for ‘d’m to go to bed at 8pm, pissed. Bitter, me?? No, never!!

Missm00 · 20/08/2018 22:21

My parents only live a 5 minute drive away, we go over for Sunday lunch most weekends, and usually one night in the week too. We talk most days on the phone too.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 20/08/2018 22:26

I haven't RTFT, bit my two oldest sons have both left home and are in their twenties.
PFB is married, and only ever contacts us if he wants something Hmm or it's his or DiL's birthday or Christmas, and no2 son lives and works a couple of hours away and comes home twice a year to visit for a few days.
No2 son remembers all the family birthdays and messages on the day and brings gifts when he comes home.
PFB doesn't bother.

Toptheginup · 20/08/2018 22:27

There's not a day goes by my mother hasn't got one of us over there. We range in age from late teens/early 20s (still living at home) to mid 30s. We all like it that way, we are a close family, always together when we can be and the grandchildren love it there too.

Ginger1982 · 20/08/2018 22:28

I see my mum once a week and text every day. We see DH's parents maybe every three weeks but he speaks to them regularly.

RoseMartha · 20/08/2018 22:28

In my 20's saw my mum most Saturdays. Now see her 3-5 times a week as she needs support.

Toptheginup · 20/08/2018 22:29

I can't imagine how I'd feel to only see family monthly, we'd be texting/phoning worried that something bad might have happened.

travailtotravel · 20/08/2018 22:33

About once a year. They live miles away and bear my brother the golden child

RedPanda2 · 20/08/2018 22:34

I love my parents but really don't have time to see them weekly. I see them biweekly or monthly but have gone weeks without contact as we all have our own lives!

ILoveDolly · 20/08/2018 22:34

Depends. I live about four hours away now, and at times have lived further away. At most its 4-5 times a year but for a few days each time. My brother lives near to mum so she sees him about twice a week or more. I'd see her more but its too far for the weekend really..... we don't get on all that well and didn't see eye to eye when I was younger so it's probably better this way

polkadotpixie · 20/08/2018 22:37

I see my Mum a couple of times a week and speak to her most days

My husband sees his parents every couple of weeks and speaks to them about once a week

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 20/08/2018 22:42

I'm surprised at how often other people see each other but I guess a lot of you live locally to each other

I live on the same street as mine! I couldn’t ever move away I don’t think, I would miss them too much.

scottishdiem · 20/08/2018 22:47

Oooft. No.

Before moving to a different country I would see my father once a week. My mother moved abroad when she retired and just saw her for the 1st time in two years.

Still. The internet is a wonderful thing and do regular online chats (weekly with father).

FizzyWizzyFlash · 20/08/2018 22:47

In his 30s and expected to call every day for an hour chat, take MIL out to dinner every Friday but also visit every other day which also includes the hour chat on the phone.

But we have children and he has a job. He tried his best then just completely stopped seeing her because her disappointment was unbearable.

Now it's once a month and no phone calls. Maybe a few texts.

xoguineas · 20/08/2018 22:49

I'm 22 and see my parents 3ish times a week. I only live round the corner though and am on maternity leave so this will probably change when I go back to work. We only see DP's family 2 or so times a month though as they live further away and it's more of a hassle to transport a baby to and from their house.

Guienne · 20/08/2018 22:51

Around once a week. Once they have partners and children, possibly less as they should prioritise them.

thegreylady · 20/08/2018 22:56

I see dd at least once most weeks as I have dgc after school 3 days a week. In Summer hols occasionally not regularly as we are away at different times.
Ds lives abroad so its once a year for a few days.
Dss 1 & 2 we see about 3 or 4 times a year but dsd never (lives in Canada and hates me).
All are in their 40s and only dd lives near me (7 miles away).

sickmumma · 20/08/2018 23:02

PIL live 5 minute drive - we see them at least once a week. My dad and brother live 5 minutes away see Dad probably every couple of weeks properly but he normally picks DS up from school weekly for a club and drops him back and quite often takes the kids out, brother see generally weekly or a few times a week depending on his work -
He's freelance.

Mum lives 8 hours away, prob see her once or twice a year for a week or long weekend at a time.

Bowerbird5 · 20/08/2018 23:12

I would like to see mine more. DD lives 5 hours away and I see her about 4-5 times a year. Three sons live about 10 -15 minutes away and I see them less than once a month. When I suggested I saw more of him DS1 got annoyed. I told him I would see him at Christmas!
My friend sees hers at least once a week. I would like this but twice a month would be fine I find once every couple of months too long. I like seeing them and miss them. DD is staying at the moment and I'm enjoying seeing her.

sue51 · 20/08/2018 23:12

Eldest daughter early 30s and married. 3 or 4 times a month and a 1 or 2 phone calls a week. If she needed me I'd be there like a shot.

katiefromtheblock · 20/08/2018 23:16

We see our daughter (mid 20's) on average 3-4 times a month. Every 7-10 days. She lives 20 miles from us (in another town,) with her boyfriend. 3 out of 4 times we see her, it will be us going to her town.

She is a very busy career woman, and we have more free time than her, so we don't really mind. We meet her for lunch 2 or 3 times a month (we go to meet her at her workplace, and pop into the Costa or Maccy D's near her office.) Or we will have a meal out with her (and sometimes with her B/F too.)

She and her B/F come to ours about once every 5-6 weeks.

I would find it very hard if she moved away, like multiple 100's of miles, and we rarely saw her. I know a few people whose offspring have moved away 200 to 400 miles, and they see them maybe every 5-6 months; a week or 2 in the summer, and Christmas!

I also know several people whose offspring live abroad. One woman has had all three of her children (one daughter and two sons,) move to different countries. All three! Two of them really far away.... Australia, and Chile!!!

Not judging or anything, and I know people are entitled to do what they want (when they're adults,) but I would be really sad and upset if my daughter moved abroad. Especially 8 to 10 thousand miles away! (I wouldn't tell her I was upset, but I would be........)

I missed her enough when she was at uni, and that was only 100 miles away, and she came home every 4 or 5 weeks, (and spent all the uni holidays at home!)

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