To think I have a spunking ghost?!

[Chipshopninja]

Of all the problems to have...

Last night DP woke up around 1am because he heard our bedroom door open (it's a squeaky bugger, need some WD40 but that's by the by)
He didn't get up, expecting our nocturnal ds to tap him on the shoulder announcing he had had a bad dream etc....but nothing! He then heard the bedroom door close.

He got out of bed and went to check on DS.

Just outside our bedroom door he stepped in a large wet patch (which, in a very un-DP fashion he later cleaned up) he checked on our DS, fast asleep all tucked in under his duvet.

He then went downstairs to check on the dog, fast asleep in the living room. So slightly bemused he came back to bed.

He relayed all this to me this morning...I say spunking ghost...anyone else like to hazard a guess?

Bodabing - Wouldn't it his hand just pass through his spectoral dong?

OOOh just thought - maybe it is the spunking spirit that the woman was talking about to Eamon and Ruth on This Morning. Maybe he's cheating on her!
If you missed the interview, it was definitely weird.

I’m snorting at this. And ‘ectogasm’ is my favourite new word.

No idea what’s going on though. Could you have a leaky pipe under the floor which is gradually soaking upwards? Is that a thing?

Dear God, I'm trying to read this on a silent train without either pissing myself laughing or snorting like a drain - have a heart people!

I obviously have no issued with homosexuals but I don't want dead ones banging one out on my upstairs landing

Ghosts float though Chips

I assume Spunking Ghosts go
Woooooooo.......... Woooooooo.... Ah... Ah.... WOOOOOOOO!

Spunking ghosts
Spanking ghosts
Ectogasm
Spectoral dong

What was the consistency like? Surely ghost jizz wouldn't just plop onto the floor, it would at least hit the headboard or something?
Monies on DH miscalculating his aim....
i did try to do a diagram but it's hader than I thought.

If your spectral spook spunked on ya shag pile, what's to stop

My DS is the same age. One night he bumbled out of bed, lifted the lid on the laundry basket, peed in it, closed the lid and went back to bed. Didn’t recall a thing the next day!

Rentaghost have set up shop in your attic. It's all about the supernatural ghoulies.

Sorry sent too soon. What's to stop it releasing all it's phantom fluids anywhere in the house, including shitting where you least expect it

Definitely a spunking ghost marking his territory.
No other explanation.

Surely ghost jizz wouldn't just plop onto the floor

True, it's more likely to hover above it. But I'm not previously an expert on ghost spunk. Feeling like quite the expert now, though.

I've ruled out DH as a suspect because a) the wet patch is no longer visible so he wouldn't have bothered to tell me and b) he has previous for drunken pissing but it's always been in the area between bed and the ensuite (I know, he's a keeper )

This is so obvious.
Your DH is having an affair with said ghost. They got a bit frisky, DH assumed the uuuuughhh/woooooo noise of their mutual orgasms must have woken you but couldn’t be sure. He’s brought it up first to try and cover his back, just in case you saw the clean up operation.
I’d say nothing for now. Get your ducks in a row and LTB. Don’t bother checking his phone, you have all the proof you need.

Did you mean 'Ghost' or 'Goat'? We have a spunking Goat.

A spunking goat now?????

That's it. I don't care that we're only up to 42 posts. I've nominated this for classics.

A spunking goat sounds far more terrifying!! I now have images of an irate goat on it's hind legs snorting and ejaculating Willy nilly

I now have images of an irate goat on it's hind legs snorting and ejaculating Willy nilly

That's exactly what he's like. The 'horny' fucker.

Ectoplasm?

Wow. This is amazing. Spunking ghost definitely the only viable explanation.

I also think I have a landing ghost, but mine doesn't spunk it just plays with the lights (also could be faulty electrics, but where's the fun in that)

I think you need to set up a spunking ghost booby trap incase it returns for another shot.

Ejaculating willy nilly

I'm very jealous OP, although not if it's a goat instead of a ghost.
Incidentally, my autocorrect doesn't know the word "ejaculating" - I think it's embarrassed

If this was a film I would have a buddy who is very in the know about all things Cctv. I would call him up and he'd be round within 10 minutes to set up a state of the art security system on my landing (all for free of course) I would spend the next few days picking through the footage and catch sight of my ejaculating phantom....

...sadly not a film, so I will just have to go round sniffing my carpet first thing

BruceAndNosh
I was just about holding it together till you piped up , tears rolling down my face now , soooo funny .

Chipshopninja,
you need to put out some condoms for your spunking ghost , its up to you if you opt for invisible ones so you can not see him doing the deed or glow in the dark ( just why the fuck are there glow in the dark ones ) condoms so you can see what he is doing .
I dont know which is worst , seeing him do it or knowing he is doing it but not been able to see him .

MNHQ can we have a (spunking ) ghost emoji please

“Willy nilly” has set me off laughing again, not least because when I was in an NHS antenatal class one of the pregnant women asked about having her son circumcised after birth and before going home from hospital.

The midwife explained unless there is a medical problem necessitating circumcision, it’s much better for baby’s health to leave their forskin alone. Then she said “if you do feel it needs doing for non medical reasons you’ll have to do that privately. The NHS won’t just circumcise willy nilly.”

None of the other mums or dads batted an eyelid but I am apparently 5 years old and started guffawing at the choice of words. The fact that this made everyone else look awkward and made it impossible to stop laughing.

OP failing the CCTV have you rigged up some sort of ghost-detecting parephenalia for tonight?