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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 20/08/2018 18:17

I would be pissed off if DH booked any type of holiday when we are short of money.

The extra day would not bother me but going away when you can't afford it would really piss me off. Sounds like that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I would be jealous too. Stuck at home whilst he is having fun at NYC. I think most people would feel envious and feel a bit sorry for themselves.

You are probably feeling a bit jealous and annoyed about the money. All perfectly understandable emotions to have. I think you over-reacted about the extra night but there would be hell to pay if DH booked a holiday we couldn't afford. You get to stay at home, struggle with money whilst he gets the benefit of an amazing trip you can't afford. Most people would resent that. I would feel that way if it was a stepchild or a bio child.

I am sure there is a lot going on here and it doesn't just boil down to you being jealous of your SD like some people want to make out.

Bibidy · 20/08/2018 18:18

I sympathise with you OP.

I can only guess that your DH assumed you were only thinking of the cost when you asked for 4 nights rather than 5, so that's why he doesn't consider the night flight as being 'away', as it doesn't include the cost of a hotel room.

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 18:46

If you paid for a package holiday that was “4 nights away” and it turned out to be three nights in a hotel plus an overnight flight you’d be livid and demanding compensation.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/08/2018 18:47

He sounds like a great dad. Yabu

He has 4 children. He sounds like an ass to laugh at his over tired wife and leave them behind..

Op I really hope you will book a 5day break with your sister/brother/best friend and leave him with all his children.

needyourlovingtouch · 20/08/2018 18:52

@WhiteCat1704 but the holiday is only 4 nights. Is it really that OP slightly resents that he is doing this for his eldest daughter. NYC is a long way to go.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/08/2018 19:00

needyourlovingtouch I don't read it like she is jealous of him doing it for SD..I read it as she is overtired and would love a break herself but they have no money! I read it as regardless of the no money&a lot of children to take care of she has agreed for him to go for 4nights as she knows 21st birthday is special for SD and he is taking a piss and laughing instead of appreciating it....

Mandarine · 20/08/2018 19:04

OP this is really not a big deal at all and I can’t believe you would be so petty to be honest. If course you lose or gain time when travelling West to East or vice versa - this is obvious. My DH travels all the time and always has. I have 3 DC too. I can’t understand why you would get worked up over this at all. Anyway, it’s his daughter’s 21st fgs. Confused

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 19:05

OP did manage to afford to have a trip to NYC previously...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_advice_tips/3243369-nice-new-york-restaurant-for-adults-please

Obviously financial circumstances might have changed but, based on the OP’s own admission of envy, this sounds like a case of jealousy to me.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 19:14

If you paid for a package holiday that was “4 nights away” and it turned out to be three nights in a hotel plus an overnight flight you’d be livid and demanding compensation.

And if work asked you to do a trip that involved 4 paid nights away and then it turned out it was 5, but one was travelling so didn't count, same.

OP didn't choose the travel times. It should have been done with the three of them. Frankly, there's a big difference between graciously supporting people in having a lovely treat while you hold down the fort, and being cavalierly expected to.

bimbobaggins · 20/08/2018 19:14

Is that the same op bob

Hissy · 20/08/2018 19:17

Some of us get to do all the childcare solo AND go out to ft work ...

CherryPavlova · 20/08/2018 19:19

I’d say it was four nights.
I’d say it’s her 21st so don’t be so mean spirited.
I’d say plenty of people (mainly women) cope whilst their husbands are working say for longer than that.
I’d say if the children are difficult and demanding at 6 and 5 then that is the issue that needs addressing. I really can’t see it’s particularly exhausting.
Wish her a happy birthday and look forward to planning similar for the other children’s 21sts.

helacells · 20/08/2018 19:21

YABVU. It's an extra night, not a week! Let him have his special time with his firstborn.

Sofabitch · 20/08/2018 19:22

I'm amazed at the lack of empathy... just because someone had children doesn't mean the prospect of being alone with them is easy. I'd dread the thought.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 19:22

No it isn't. There's a comment in that thread where OP says she was in NYC 4 years ago.

I don't think most people would think a married couple going to NYC equals a father owing his adult daughter the same trip, so the relevance is escaping me.

This is a stepmother who is, again, looking after the three young dependant kids while her husband takes his adult daughter on holiday to NYC alone, using family money.

I'm the child of a first marriage, My father had three wives after my mum. Trust me, I am a veteran stepchild and this is not a bad stepmother. There are three kids reliant on the family money here, but the one going away is not one of them. Help, yes, support yes, treats yes. This is a lovely thing for them to do and I don't get why her annoyance is being so dismissed. If you have bad sleepers and squabblers, three kids alone for five nights can be bedlam. "Oh, single parents manage!" Great. She isn't one.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 19:24

I really can’t see it’s particularly exhausting.

Then I'm afraid you lack empathy. Children are people, and not all will be like yours. It's perfectly natural for some personalities to clash more than others, and for some kids to be more energetic and intelligent than others. It makes them harder to manage.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 19:26

Sorry, the intelligent bit was petty and arsey. I apologise.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/08/2018 19:26

rightknockered
I think that you should get to have 5 days and nights child free

that would only be fair if the OP was sleeping in the transport on the 5th night, after all like for like, fair fair is fair.

JustBeReasonable · 20/08/2018 19:29

I suspect (particularly given the trip 4 years ago) that OP thinks they can’t afford a trip for the DSD, but could I suspect be more easily convinced if DH was taking OP instead.

Smacks of envy and pettiness.

Aragog · 20/08/2018 19:30

To be fair- you said 4 nights. If I was booking a holiday or a break I'd book a 4 night break away at the destination. I've never known anyone to count the overnight flight as one of their holiday nights really. I can see why he heard 4 nights and booked 4 nights in NYC.

OutPinked · 20/08/2018 19:30

He’s a great Dad if he extends the same offer to his other three DC when they reach a milestone birthday. It is a really lovely thing for him to do of course provided it isn’t exclusive to his eldest.

You can’t afford it, I think that is the overwhelming issue here. He is spending thousands you just don’t have.

That’s the major issue as well as your understandable jealousy. DH ditching you at home with your three young DC whilst he swans off to NYC. I sincerely hope when he returns you book a trip away for yourself too, leave him at home with the dc.

CherryPavlova · 20/08/2018 19:31

perfectstorm - children on the whole are what parents make them. They are usually an active choice for parents. I do lack empathy for such flakiness, yes. My children were all bright enough and energetic enough and my husband worked away a lot but one manages. Intelligence doesn’t make them harder to manage. Foppish parenting does.
It’s five nights overall. Not a lifetime of single parenthood.

C0untDucku1a · 20/08/2018 19:34

I agree with eveyone else. That is 4 nights. So yabu.
You are also BU needing friends help to look after your children with you??? Come on. Woman up.
Yanbu about him being crap with money and wasting it. However, sounds like he has been money savvy this trip. Booking a late flight getting an extra day.
Book 5 days on spain with the ladies next year.

Doingreat · 20/08/2018 19:36

I find the lack of empathy for OP shocking.
If anyone needs a reminder of how frustrating and draining looking after small children can be needs to read this thread

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3341294-Is-this-supposed-to-be-so-tough-small-children&ved=2ahUKEwjp4NWaofzcAhVjCMAKHa2zCVYQFjAAegQIABAB&usg=AOvVaw3E4TI1e4OHqAuUyYhMn-8J" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3341294-Is-this-supposed-to-be-so-tough-small-children&ved=2ahUKEwjp4NWaofzcAhVjCMAKHa2zCVYQFjAAegQIABAB&usg=AOvVaw3E4TI1e4OHqAuUyYhMn-8J

The OP has 5 days of this to look forward to, coping on her own while her husband will be enjoying a lovely break away with his daughter. He will then come home jet lagged and complaining of how tired he is, and generally being completely useless around the house or with the kids while resting.

Bear in mind that this is a family who don't have an awful amount of money so i doubt OP will be able to get out much to do paid activities or pay for help. She has no family to chip in and give her a break or relieve the tedium. I would be climbing the walls after 5 days of this.

IamPeas · 20/08/2018 19:39

The trip being something they 'can't really afford ' doesn't necessarily mean they are absolutely skint. It could mean that OP would rather prioritise the money for something else.