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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 19:43

perfectstorm - children on the whole are what parents make them. They are usually an active choice for parents. I do lack empathy for such flakiness, yes. My children were all bright enough and energetic enough and my husband worked away a lot but one manages. Intelligence doesn’t make them harder to manage. Foppish parenting does.

That really, really isn't true. Parenting makes a big difference to a child's ability to manage their personality, but you also have to factor in that personality, and the way the kids interact, too. It just isn't realistic to believe a child's life is controlled solely by that one relationship, and they're otherwise a blank slate.

Intelligence does make a difference, and so do energy levels. In my case I have one who is on the autistic spectrum, and while absolutely, competent parenting is essential in keeping his equilibrium, it's not all that is required. And I have friends with two exceptionally bright kids, one of whom has ADHD, 13 months apart, and it was hell when they were 5 and 6. Now they're 11 and 12, they're a delight. Which is of course the other thing - kids are fabulous at some ages and a nightmare at others.

DameSquashalot · 20/08/2018 19:45

JustBeReasonable the OP on the other NYC thread has a different username...

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 19:47

DameSquashalot
But the OP in this thread posted about her own trip to NYC in the other thread.

Pompom42 · 20/08/2018 19:48

YABU Op I know it's going to be hard spending 5 nights with the children on your own but think what a lovely 21st birthday he is giving his daughter

DameSquashalot · 20/08/2018 19:50

AHH right. Missed that.

4 years is a long time so things can change financially.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 19:51

BobRoss2 are you saying that a married couple who go on any holiday must then provide the same holiday as a Daddy and daughter one, to any adult stepchild? Confused I just don't see the relevance.

I mean, I suppose I could call my Dad up and demand to go to Bali for a week because he went with his current wife, but somehow I don't think it would fly.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 19:52

Rather wistful about that. Grin

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 19:53

I think she's agreed to something lovely for them, all at her own loss, and instead of appreciation she's being taken for granted. And I can understand why she minds.

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 20:03

@perfectstorm

No, I’m not.

But I am suspicious about the ‘finances’ issue raised by the OP. It sounds like the current trip has been planned for over a year, so plenty of time to save. They managed to afford their own NYC trip 4 years ago (probably with two young DC in tow) so I’d be surprised if they’re totally skint (but acknowledge it’s possible).

The ‘extra’ night thing sounds very petty to me, particularly with the whole ‘conspiring against the OP’ angle rather than a very simple and understandable miscommunication.

Maybe they genuinely can’t afford it now, but the whole OP (complete with acknowledgement of envy) makes me suspicious as to the OP’s real issue.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 20:21

It is an incredibly expensive trip, though. She's said she's happy for it to happen, but grumbled that he's crap with money. I don't know; I think it's completely human to feel a bit disgruntled about it all on her part? Again, I have no stepkids, and I'm still with my kids' dad. My sole experience of step parenting is as a step child. And I think it just isn't realistic to think that the person who is taking all the hit, here, on every front, and who isn't benefiting in any way, also isn't the adult child's parent. Most people might feel a little bit of inward sigh, and to then have an extra night thrown at them as a fait accompli... I think she should get thanks from DH and, actually, his daughter, not laughed at over annoyance. People are expecting her to be a plaster saint and not a normal human being.

She's not been back, and I don't blame her, but I do wonder at the way women expect so much from other women as step parents. This sounds a perfectly nice one on the evidence in front of us, and yet she's having her posting history dug into and a trip of her own 4 years ago used as evidence against her. I don't think any adult owes another adult an expensive trip away, and she's paying for it from family money, and doing all the childcare so DH can go. Why isn't she allowed a grumble at the favour being stretched with no consultation? It makes no sense to me at all.

SnowyAlps · 20/08/2018 20:28

I think if he’d booked 3 nights you would have still found fault!

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 20:31

Why isn't she allowed a grumble at the favour being stretched with no consultation?
But to most posters on this thread, myself included, it doesn’t sound as though the favour has been stretched and her DH booked exactly what was agreed. Maybe it is natural for the OP to feel resentful about the trip (I haven’t been in her shoes) but if that’s the case then I think the resentment is shining through and is the real reason for the OP’s anger, not the 4-night issue.

iamyourequal · 20/08/2018 20:42

I think the OP might have reflected a bit and realised she’s being a bit unreasonable, which is why she had let this thread run to 9 pages without posting again!

I imagine she is probably jealous of this trip being lavished on her stepdaughter and resents it. Understandable but not pleasant. It would be best for her to be happy for her DH and wish them well on the trip.
I imagine the 22 year old stepdaughter may well have faced challenges over the years. After all, whatever the background is, she’s presumably had to go through her parents splitting up, and it can’t be easy see your dad remarry and produce 3 young step siblings who probably get the lions share of his time and finances! Surely she deserves 5 nights away with her own dad for a big birthday.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 20:51

Yeah, I get that posters think jointly agreeing that he'd be away for no longer than 4 nights is the same as his then announcing that he'll actually be away for 5. I can't say the maths makes any sense to me. 5 is longer than 4. It had been agreed he'd be away for no more than 4 nights.

And if we're imagining, then I'm imagining the OP realises this has turned into an absolute kicking for some reason, and has sensibly decided not to subject herself to it.

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 21:08

@perfectstorm

Well it depends what was said, if they agreed DH could book a no-more-than 4 night vacation’ or just ‘don’t book for more than 4 nights’ then that’s what DH has done. He’s booked a 4 night holiday in NYC.

If it was ‘don’t go away for more than 4 nights’ I still would have understood that, were I in DH’s shoes, as booking no more than 4 nights in NYC. When you book an #-night holiday, the # refers to nights in accommodation.

Seems likely to have been a very simple and understandable miscommunication.

If it was explicitly ‘don’t leave me alone at home for more than 4 nights’ then that’s different and DH should have clarified, but even then it’s likely a miscommunication and not DH wilfully taking the piss.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 21:14

I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights.

he explicitly promised 4 nights

She says he booked dates while she was in the house without checking, and he'd never normally do that, and she believes he did it on purpose, so she's angry. I mean, she could be lying, of course. But given all we have to go on in OPs are the words of the poster, it's weird how often, on MN, you get page after page of comments from posters leaping to conclusions, and then other posters taking them as gospel, and before you know it a stone cast narrative not given by the OP arises.

You could be right about the OP's life and marriage, and not her, but can you blame me for generally thinking her information base is stronger than your own?

HolyPieter · 20/08/2018 21:14

YANBU.

The prick of a husband leaves his wife and young children alone to embark on an expensive holiday then has the audacity to laugh in her face when she challenges him.

Teach the twat to count to 5, OP.

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 21:18

I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed.
And I would take that as meaning 4 nights in NYC. As would most posters in the thread.

If I asked someone to book me 4 nights away and they booked 3 nights in a hotel and counted overnight travel as an extra day, I’d be pissed off.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 21:22

i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first.

As I say, if you're comfortable in the belief that you can assess this poster's marriage better than she can, then that's great. I'm going to trust her view on this over yours. Smile

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 21:28

If I asked someone to book me 4 nights away and they booked 3 nights in a hotel and counted overnight travel as an extra day, I’d be pissed off.

And if your work asked you to travel for 4 nights away from home, unpaid, and then when booked it was actually 5, how would you feel then?

OP asked her husband to limit his absence to 4 nights because she struggles, for whatever reason, with all 3 young kids by herself. That was the deal when she agreed for him to use family money on an extremely expensive special trip for him and his adult child. He broke it and then laughed at her annoyance. Those are the facts in the OP. I'm not going to bother with this any further as the OP has now very sensibly left, and it's getting ridiculous.

TacoLover · 20/08/2018 21:28

If the post on the other thread is right about you already having been to NYC I'm confused as to why you are jealous/resentful? You've already beenConfused

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 21:32

Maybe he’d normally check because the OP would normally be going.

He did exactly what the OP told him to do. Maybe he did that because that’s what a normal person would do, or maybe the OP is right that DH did it vindictively. Obviously she knows her DP and I don’t, but I’m reasonably familiar with the English language and what ‘4 nights away’ would mean to me and most others.

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 21:32

OP asked her husband to limit his absence to 4 nights because she struggles, for whatever reason, with all 3 young kids by herself.

She didn’t give a reason.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 21:34

Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week.

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 21:36

And if your work asked you to travel for 4 nights away from home, unpaid, and then when booked it was actually 5, how would you feel then?

If it was a long haul flight away I would expect 4 nights at the location and not be surprised at an overnight flight in addition. I wouldn’t be going away unpaid for work though.

The fact is that a long haul holiday of X days pretty much always means an extra day of travelling. I don’t think I’ve ever not had an overnight flight on the return.