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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
NevilleLuna · 20/08/2018 14:15

I think your letting your jealousy take over. It’s his DD, and a milestone birthday. I’d understand a little if you have spent a milestone birthday with him and he’s not made a fuss of you- but only a little.

And how dare he leave you to care for your DC for 5 nights Hmm Try having 3 under 4 (one with disablilites) with and being a single parent with no support for 10 years and I might find the time to sympathise with you.

FoodieToo · 20/08/2018 14:17

Oh I think you are being very unreasonable. I feel sorry for your husband actually.

Oldraver · 20/08/2018 14:17

Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week.

Why on earth would you need to call on friends 'to help' ? Your kids you deal with them

DameSquashalot · 20/08/2018 14:18

I can see why you're annoyed, especially as he keeps laughing. However, 1 night is traveling so I can see his point of view too.

Jenjenyeahyeah · 20/08/2018 14:19

4 nights ‘away’ and one night spent travelling back. Honestly I think this is a ‘pick your battles’ scenario- and I think it would just be better to leave it. It’s a special birthday treat New York is far away and an extra day/night will make all the difference to the trip and what they’re able to do in terms of sightseeing etc. Just wish them well, and suck it up. Book yourself a weekend spa break for a few weeks after he gets back and just enjoy having a little break of your own.

KoshaMangsho · 20/08/2018 14:19

I think the 4/5 nights is a red herring. Yes it’s several nights but presumably 2 of your kids are in school? So you have one to look after during the day. Also while 3 kids is a lot of work they are all a bit older, so you don’t have a dependent baby etc.

You do sound jealous of the DD. And you are resenting the cash being spent on this. Which is colouring your reaction.

And the night on the plane really doesn’t count. If you don’t take a night flight out of NYC you basically end up wasting a whole day on the plane. So your DH has booked the most sensible ticket selection. (I fly to the East Coast and back a lot).

AlaskanSnow · 20/08/2018 14:20

I think OP is getting a tough time here.

If she has asked him to limit it to 4 nights away, and he agreed then that is what it should be. If this was a real mistake then he'd be a bit more apologetic. This just stinks of agreeing to shut her up then doing as he pleases anyway. Laughing at her is plain nasty.

OP there isn't too much you can do now, it's booked, but agree with some of the other posters about you getting some time away if you can.

FASH84 · 20/08/2018 14:20

To me if a holiday is five nights that's five nights in a hotel (and costs more,), he just has a late flight back. You sound a bit jealous that he's taking his daughter not you

KoshaMangsho · 20/08/2018 14:21

I don’t understand why friends working during the day is an issue. Surely during the day you just have the one kid to look after unless there is something going on and your kids don’t go to school?!

ChikiTIKI · 20/08/2018 14:21

Go on your own trip once he is back. That's the only solution I can think of!

ChikiTIKI · 20/08/2018 14:22

Also if he has a problem laugh and tell him to get over himself.

Or go away for 3 weekends by yourself if work schedules are a problem.

Mythreeknights · 20/08/2018 14:22

I agree with others - sorry - you are reacting with jealousy. This in itself is reasonable, given you are exhausted looking after your kids who are young and time consuming. But, he deserves time away with his daughter, and she'll be grateful to the time she spends with him, and delighted to be taken to NYC! For those who say it can't be done in a weekend, of course it can (assuming you live in the UK).

So, if I were in your shoes, I'd change tack, accept it and start to help him look forward to it with your new breezy attitude, but then get in touch with some of your equally knackered mum friends, and suggest a girlie "weekend" (which happens to be 5 nights away) Grin. If you show you can cope fine for 5 nights solo, then he should be relaxed about returning the favour.

Don't get mad, get even!

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 20/08/2018 14:23

So your moaning at dealing with 3 young kids alone? Surely that is what you signed up for?

PinkAvocado · 20/08/2018 14:24

No, she signed up for shared responsibility of children and for her DH to be more respectful and not to laugh at her.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 20/08/2018 14:24

my husband works away - lives in another country. He's home every other weekend. Man up!

MilaIsobella · 20/08/2018 14:25

I wouldn't stress! He's going away with his DD for her Milestone Birthday Present and wanting to make the most of it! There's no point in going for 4 days with 2 days travel included because there's too much to do/see within a shortened time frame.
Your selfishness is reeking out! If you have known they were even going away since last year then you've had plenty of time to sort it out with childcare/work arrangements if you are struggling.
Putting a downer on their holiday trip before they even have chance to get excited over it is not the one!..

paintinmyhairAgain · 20/08/2018 14:26

yabu you choose to have dc, what something happened and df wasn't around full stop you'd have to manage.i had 6 under 10 at one stage, including autism, you just get on with it because you have to.
this smacks of jealously.

IceCreamFace · 20/08/2018 14:26

You should absolutely have a few nights away while he manages the kids. Even if you just go to visit your mum/a uni or old school friend. I would be pissed off too - if you don't have much money and three smaller kids you don't buy such an extravagant gift for your adult child's birthday.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2018 14:27

Yabu
Do you find it that difficult to cope on your own with the children? Why did you have 3 then?

AlansLeftMoob · 20/08/2018 14:28

Yes, YABU.

You'll be on your own with DC (who are not babies) for 4 nights anyway, what's one more night?
It's a trip of a lifetime for he and his daughter, why are you trying to piss all over it?
Are you jealous that you're not going? Is that what's really wrong? (Which is totally natural and I'd be jealous too) If so, don't take it out on him. Make it up before he goes or the two of you will be miserable.

IceCreamFace · 20/08/2018 14:29

@paintinmyhairAgain

you just get on with it because you have to.

What a ridiculous argument. If something sadly happened to her DH no doubt OP would manage to look after her kids. That does absolutely not justify her being left alone to manage them because he decides to go off on a 5 day holiday - one that she wouldn't be able to have herself.

Ginger1982 · 20/08/2018 14:29

YABU. My DH often works away for the whole week. I just get on with it. It's only happening once, get over it!

diddl · 20/08/2018 14:29

"this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, "

For that reason YANBU, but that's a whole other issue!

handslikecowstits · 20/08/2018 14:30

This isn't about 4 or 5 nights, this is about him going in the first place. I sympathise with you regarding the money issue but YABU about the duration and, to concur with the others, you sound jealous of both the holiday and your DSD.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 20/08/2018 14:30

YABU, I’d count that as 4 nights too.

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