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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 22/08/2018 02:01

I’m astonished by the amount of criticism on here, so many of you making OP a bitter and jealous stepmother

Me too, I hear about the step parent thing a lot on here but this is the first time I have actually seen it. Usually it's quite reasoned. She is 22 years of age for Christ sakes. You would think he was taking a 3 year old to Euro Disney for the weekend judging by the reaction.

52FestiveRoad · 22/08/2018 08:03

To all those saying that the OPs young children will also get taken away to NY on their 21st, I presume as her DH is of the age that he has a 22 year old, he is not a 'young father 'to the other children. By the time they all turn 21 he might not be able to take them away, he might well be retired and even more strapped for cash, or not in the best of health. So the trip to NY with the other children may well not be possible.

Sb74 · 22/08/2018 08:29

I think the gesture of your husband taking your step daughter away is very nice of him but I think ultimately you are a couple and if you couldn’t afford the trip to New York he shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know the background of course as to what the relationship between them has been like or circumstances surrounding the separation with her mother. He probably feels the need to make up to her, as you feel constant guilt when you end a marriage/partnership with children involved. Nonetheless, Maybe there is some jealousy from yourself and it’s a lot to spend of one of your children (and I think you should count her as one of your children). It might have been better for you all to go away somewhere you could afford but I guess that’s not as flash as NewYork for a 21 year old. At the end of the day it’s done, If he had booked it without discussing it with you at all I could understand you being annoyed but he did discuss it therefore I feel you are overreacting. I don’t think the extra night is the problem but that he’s spending money on his daughter and maybe you’ve not had a holiday?? It’s a one off and all you can do now is forgive him and move on. No point being vindictive as it achieves nothing. He did what he thought was a good thing.

Sb74 · 22/08/2018 08:32

Also, I think most 21 year olds would go to New York with their dad if it’s s free trip!!

jelly449 · 22/08/2018 08:39

@Tessliketrees from what I've learnt about being a step mother (and I say 'mother' not 'parent' as it seems sadly there is a difference between step mothers and step fathers) is you can't win. I'm a step mum. Have posted for advice a fair few times.

I either get told I'm 'too involved' with my sdc's and I need to back off. They aren't mine, it's up to my dh and their mother etc etc

Or I get told I'm jealous, bitter and I should be doing more for them as I married dh etc etc.

I do an awful lot of my sdcs and try step back when needed. Mumsnet is not the place to come for advice when being a step mum unfortunately

JulianOfNorwich · 22/08/2018 09:10

I think step mothers do come in for a lot of criticism. It's not always personal (although plenty of times it is...). It is just a very difficult situation.... and it's an exceptionally mature child who can sail through it without feeling any angst. No matter how good the stepmother, however much it's not their 'fault', their parents have still split up and that is painful- and they are just children, dealing with the pain.

Frankfurt17 · 22/08/2018 09:14

5 nights on your own with dc? That's not very much!

Boulty · 22/08/2018 09:17

Resentment.
A night on a plane is not a night in NYC.

YABU

Dulra · 22/08/2018 09:21

Why do people find it so weird that a dad would want to take his 21 year old dd to ny and the daughter wanting to go? My dad took me to london for my 21st ( we live in ireland was also pre-ryanair so expensive trip). He loved london and wanted to show me the city. Never found it weird Confused have great memories.

Anyway back to op personally I feel Yabvu. If he did like you suggested they would only bec3 hotel nights in NY which is too short for such a long trip. I have done ny many times and would never do it less than what your dh is. It's a 7 hour flight and 5 hour time difference! Yes you've 3 small kids money's a bit tight but these kind of trips don't come along often. You go and book a holiday for you dh and 3 little ones to look forward to

puzzledlady · 22/08/2018 09:30

Has the OP come back?

Sorry - OP, if you are still reading this YABU. It’s your resentment that you didn’t go that’s cloudinf the issue.

bibizizi · 22/08/2018 09:37

I think its fine to be angry, its a normal human emotion for goodness sake, why do so many people feel the need to give you a telling off!!!!

Be angry, it won't last forever, just remember your owed a break when you've got the cash.

Hopoindown31 · 22/08/2018 09:37

@Dulra

People are finding it weird so that they can blame the husband. This is classic MN strawmanning behaviour.

Whether the OP is being unreasonable really hinges on what "we can't really afford it" means and what her claims about her husband's money management mean.

If they are struggling to make ends meet and he is racking up big debts the she is not being unreasonable at all. If she is just annoyed that the new kitchen won't happen this year, not so much.

As for his response, not great but then again how did you speak to him and are you being reasonable?

RosaRoll · 22/08/2018 09:49

I see that as 4 nights. I don't see what issue is with 1 extra day away.

Worriedworry · 22/08/2018 09:53

So your moaning at dealing with 3 young kids alone? Surely that is what you signed up for?

I find this attitude shocking. They chose to have 3 more children- both of them.

He is the one pissing off for 5 nights on a jolly to NYC when they can't afford it. Yes it's nice of him to take his adult daughter along but I think it's him being incredibly selfish and using it as an opportunity to go to New York.

Everyone bitching at OP that she can't look after her own DC or she made her choice aren't saying similar about her DH. Surely HE also chose to have 3 more DC and should be thinking of them also when making choices?

I wouldn't dream of buggering off for 5 nights and expecting my husband to solo parent for that amount of time just because I fancied a trip.

YANBU to be miffed OP.

Desmondo2016 · 22/08/2018 09:56

The extra night isn't the issue. YABU about that given you agreed to the trip.

But the whole trio with one kid that the family can't afford was a VERY unreasonable idea of his in the first place.

I think you've been given a hard time because you have focussed on the extra night and the fact you need support with your 3 children. If you'd have posted at the time he suggested it I would have agreed you were NOT being unreasonable in not wanting him to go.

Aspichick · 22/08/2018 10:08

I agree and disagree at the same time YABU about the nights if you had already agreed to him going away. You will cope with 3 young children, my mom did with us when my dad worked away for months with very little communication means back then! I advocate going out every day and getting him to pay for your trips lol. That saves on the housework and cabin fever & will tire them out (early bedtime and watch what you want on tv!)
I would say, have a good time and get me something nice and promise to take you away and the kids away when they are 21!!
It’s teally not unreasonable about the extra night, what I would find really annoying is the money situation. I completely get that. Maybe discuss a budget for him not to go over? (But with your present he can 😂)
You just make sure you have fun withthe kids at home or visiting people whilst he is sway.

Mrsbadger77 · 22/08/2018 10:14

I cannot believe the harsh and unkind comments you are getting OP.
I would be pissed off too! Just make sure you go away somewhere nice and leave him with the kids for 5 nights! Fair's fair!

pollymere · 22/08/2018 11:08

I think it's more of a misunderstanding. You wanted him back after four nights, he thought four nights in an hotel. It may be that this saves a whole heck of money. We did a +1 day flight which arrived at 8am, rather than trying to get back very late at night. You probably wouldn't have had him around to help that night anyway, it's only really the following morning you'll be losing and if he'd come back that late he'd have stayed asleep.

toomanychilder · 22/08/2018 11:11

I find this attitude shocking. They chose to have 3 more children- both of them
Easily shocked then!

Yes, they chose to have 3 kids, but did they choose that they both had to be there every single night, forever? Has OP ever looked after the children by herself?
It's so weird.

LG123 · 22/08/2018 11:11

@Lethaldrizzle and others who may gave said it, just because you think that doesn't mean it isn't. 21 is a massive milestone birthday, it's the coming of age all over the world, the year the majority graduate uni and become independent after 3 years of practice. It's a celebration. People can say 18 is the big birthday but I wouldn't want to go NYC at 18 - for a start she couldn't enjoy a nice cocktail in one of the many swanky bars over there.

@Sunstella

It doesn't necessarily cost thousands to take a trip for 2 to New York. Budget airline, Norwegian for a start have return prices to New York for less than £400. A hotel, you don't have to stay in 4/5* and watch what he spends if they agree on a budget. They are obviously not that hard up if the OP agreed to the trip in the first place. And besides she's 22 now so he may well have just spent the last year or so paying/saving for it!

Christ on a bike, he should be able to take his daughter away for a big birthday present without being berated about it. I also agree a night travelling does not count!

ginandnappies · 22/08/2018 11:22

Just because he has children with the OP doesn't mean he can't take his daughter to NY for her 21st. What are some people on about Confused

ZigZagZebras · 22/08/2018 11:27

I'd be annoyed if I was your DP. For a long flight like that it makes more sense to do longer, 4 days is a very small limit, a week would have been more reasonable so they could do what they want to and have some time to relax together too.
As for having 3 DC on your own, its a few days hardly the end of the world! DP regularly works away and is away for 6 nights at the moment while I'm looking after DC 5, 1 and baby and its perfectly manageable. With 2 school aged children and 1 preschoolers you're being a bit over dramatic just let him have some time with his DD and enjoy himself without bittering it.

Jojofjo44 · 22/08/2018 11:43

Have you not replied because it's not going your way OP?
Yabu, I feel that you are using your children as an excuse for your resentment. When you say that you can't afford the trip, is that because you prioritise cash elsewhere?

dessy6 · 22/08/2018 11:52

In all honesty, would no one actually enjoy their oh going away for a few days? I know I would lol. And I have young dcs. I'd use the time to have quality time with the dcs, make it special for us. Have movie nights, special little treats etc. Then to be able to have the bed and tv to myself for a few nights....bliss! Obvs I love dh more than anything and miss him like mad but I'd enjoy some time to myself in all honesty. Get the dcs in bed, take away, wine, film....sorted.

manicmij · 22/08/2018 12:00

Try being on your own for a couple if weeks at a time with two and a half year old and new born twins. No family to call upon and same as you friends have own children or at work. Yes you can be upset about the change from 4 to 5 days but this will involve an awful lot of time for travelling. Think you are over-reacting.