DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

[lolarocco]

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

twitter Actually 2DC have ASD. Either way I would hire help because when DH is away I'm rushing home from work, arriving home at 6pm and to get everyone into bed for 7pm for bedtime stories is really tough. I have help to pick my DC up at 4:30pm, take them to the park for 20mins, reheat precook dinner for 5pm and oversee cleanup, feeding pets and other basic chores. I walk in at 6pm and it's bathtime, with all 3 going through the bath. Our sitter leaves at 6:30pm ish and at 7pm everyone is in bed. I finish up with bedtime at about 8pm, spending the rest of the night working, doing chores like laundry, cleaning not done by the DC, cooking the next nights dinner, preparing lunchboxes etc.

Having 3 young DC is really tough at certain points of the day, bedtime being an pain point in our home. I'm sure it's the same for other families too.

Yeah YABU. He’s got 4 nights ‘on holiday’ and a day for travel which is not fun but obviously necessary.

I can understand being a bit miffed at being stuck at home and not in NYC but honestly I don’t get this mentality I see from a lot of people that being ‘left on your own’ with kids is unreasonable. Surely you can manage for a few days without needing ‘people’ to help?

Good grief, how do you think single parents of more than one child with special needs cope? I would be happy for my husband if he had a nice short break like that and I have three sons with Autism, one of which will have a 28 hours per week one to one when he starts school. Why not arrange to have some lovely days out with them or take them away for a few days on your own? I love having my little gang to myself sometimes, despite the hard work.

I wonder if you are upset about it because it is a lavish gift that you can't afford. He's had the idea and booked it because he's not good with money without thinking about the costs when he's there. Will he just blow money left right and centre on eating out, touristy things etc. Would you feel the same if he was better with money, had budgeted and saved for the trip and had a plan for the on-holiday expenses?

I would be a bit miffed if DH agreed to do something without discussion if I felt we couldn't afford it. However, I expect the moment for discussion has passed, but you should talk to him about their plans and how he's affording the trip expenses while they are there.

It'll be a night flight on the way back btw.

I having always regarded looking after my 3 DC as a privilege, not a chore - even when exDH was away for weeks at a time. I too worked full-time Want2b, fed pets, cooked dinner, made lunchboxes etc - it's called family life. And I've looked after all 3 of them 24x7x365 since the youngest was 12. Hired help with putting DCs to bed? No way. A cleaner OTOH - YES!

YABU

Sorry OP but I'm afraid YABU.

4 nights is nothing. I've got 6 weeks of it soon and my birthday will be missed

Would you feel different if it wasn’t biscuit daughter going and you or you and your children together?

I would be a bit miffed if DH agreed to do something without discussion if I felt we couldn't afford it. However, I expect the moment for discussion has passed, but you should talk to him about their plans and how he's affording the trip expenses while they are there.
I don’t get the impression from the OP that anything was decided unilaterally.

Any reason why he isn't taking you too
I'm guessing the other 3 kids?! It's for DD's 21st - doing NY with 3 small kids that she's only half related to probably isn't her idea of a great 21st celebration....

Another voice saying YABU and wondering if it’s fuelled by envy that you aren’t going to share in this wonderful trip.

Give him a hug, let him go with your blessing and definitely arrange a break for yourself so,you get some r&r when he comes back.

A stepmother who is prepared for her SD to go to NYC instead of her, with her DH, while she holds the fort at home, and people are calling her selfish and jealous? Seriously, get a grip. I once had a stepmother call me up to tell me, "you are not a member of this family. This family consists of me, my husband, and our children. It's not convenient for you to visit this year." It wasn't personal, either, because she barely knew me and I lived in another continent. She just hated that she wasn't my father's first wife. She wasn't his last, nor even his second to last, either, so in fairness her stress was well founded, but shame she chose the prior kids as her target, eh. THAT is a shitty stepmother! (She was a psychiatric social worker, too. So no claim to lack comprehension of the effects of her choices.)

Someone in a cash strapped family, with three very young children, has been fine with her DH taking an adult SD to NYC for 4 days as a solo father/daughter trip, from family money while she does all childcare... and you think she's mean and jealous and unreasonable This adult stepdaughter is applying to be adopted, OP, if yours isn't happy! Fucking hell, you sound amazing to me. And if your kids are bad sleepers, and your toddler is a handful and the older two squabble a lot, then I am sending you a Katniss salute right now.

I completely get why you're stressed and angry about this. You agreed to a sacrifice to benefit him and his daughter, with all the costs to you and no plusses at all, and he's laughing at you when you find the agreed time away didn't factor in travel. That's not great.

Definitely agreed on the making life simple while he's away; I'd stock up on cheap frozen pizzas and fish fingers and not worry about healthy home cooked food for those days if the kids are hard work at this age. I think they vary so much and some people's kids would be no bother, while others would be hellions. Screens too, I'd relax restrictions on. And I'd discuss a clear arrangement whereby you get to go away and leave the kids with him the following weekend (friends or family further away) so you can have some me time, too. Though hardly going to be NYC, is it.

Incidentally... this veteran stepchild thanks you. You sound a good one to me.

I don't think the fact your DH is spending one of the nights on a plane instead of in a hotel makes it any less a night away. The reason you were annoyed is about cost and being left on your own to look after your joint children. If he'd booked a 4-night trip he would only have had to pay for a hotel for 3 nights, so he's spending 33% more on hotel accommodation as well as additional food and entertainment. That will be hundreds of pounds. Did you agree on a budget? Has he stuck to that? It seems more important than a length limit on the trip.

To be honest, unless there are some issues that are not mentioned, one extra night without his help with the children shouldn't really send you into that much of a rage, even if it's hard work (and I can see how those ages could be exhausting). In most relationships it might be annoying but it's just part of the back and forth that all comes out in the wash.

So I'm guessing there's a lot more to it? This is a trip that's been planned or at least considered for over a year (21st Bday present DSD now 22) ?So what's that big story? It sounds like there is a lot going on here that isn't just about the one extra night away.

Oh dear OP, I think you’ve been given a right kicking here. If you’re still reading, here’s my more sympathetic response...

I can understand you feeling upset about the trip. If I were you, I might have reacted the same. Really, I wouldn’t have been upset about the extra night, it would be the finances and ensuring that DH understood we would need to offer this a further three times for our other DC - no way could one DC get this special treat for her 21st and the others not get the same when they turn 21. That’s quite an undertaking given how close in age your other 3 DC are. Has DH mentioned this at all?

I was in a similarish predicament last year. DH was asked to be best man at wedding in New York over Christmas! Initially, there was no way he could afford to go, but fortunately our financial situation improved a bit and he was able to go. I assumed he would book flights for the day after the wedding, or at least two days after the wedding so he’d be back for new year (quite a big celebration in our family). He casually mentioned he would leave on Christmas Eve and return on 2nd January and I was stunned and pretty angry! I did make noises about dealing with our two DC on my own over Christmas and all the ferrying about that involves with our extended family set up, but the real reason was I had assumed he would be doing the trip as cheaply as possible as we had so recently come out of a difficult financial time. Once I thought about it calmly though, I was glad he was going to have a great, once in a lifetime event with his best friend, who he doesn’t get to see very often at all. We had a great Christmas at home too and DH brought us back some lovely pressies.

Hope you manage to get this sorted out with DH. I would not be very impressed with his attitude when dealing with your concerns about the trip.

We went to NYC for 14 nights but the flight back made it seem we were away for 15 nights.

TwitterQueen Well good for you. I have a hard time getting 3DC aged 7 and under into bed having had their bath and dinner. I have hired help to solve the problem. I don't have a cleaner. Each to their own.

I can totally see how the OP might struggle with 3 on her own. I have a Tasmanian devil of a 2 year old who goes nuts at bathtime. My 7 year old likes to have privacy and bath on her own. I could do it on my own and have done when my sitter hasn't be able to work. I choose not to be stressed in the evening and I'm buying positive time to spend with my DC instead of running around town at 6pm to do 3 pick ups, getting home at 6:30pm, feeding them for 7pm and them getting into bed for 8pm, my night starting at 9pm so getting to bed at midnight or later, only to start the next day at 5am.

I think you're jealous because you're not in New York and this gives you something to have a go at him for.

As for being on your own with 3 kids for five night, well that just gave me the lolz.

Of all the considerations here, I don’t see the 5th night on a PLANE is the hill to die over.

Him being crap with money - yes.
Him deciding to spend a lot of money you can ill afford - yes.

Him treating his DD without consideration for anyone else - yes.

...

Is he actually laughing AT you being pissed off, or is he doing, what most of us are doing, and ‘laughing’ at the flight home being considered a 5th night?!

Or is there a bridge?

If you are upset at the trip itself then fair enough. But your thread title says that what upsets you is the 5 nights and not 4. The fifth night being on the plane. That is unreasonable. One night makes little difference.

Why on Mumsnet does everyone always pile in with the 'organise your own trip', 'make sure you go away and leave him with the kids' etc. Why can't one partner just be pleased the other is enjoying themselves.

Why are the children ‘demanding and exhausting’? At that age they mostly sleep at night.

Yabu

He sounds like a great dad. Yabu

An acquaintance of mine is off on a weeks trip long haul at some point soon, the amount of worrying about how he’ll cope, what on earth will he feed them, how will he manage is - quite frankly- disgusting

He’s the Dad, he needs to step up and do the fucking job! It’s not hard, or we’d have died out as a species thousands of years ago.