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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
goforthandmultiply · 20/08/2018 15:33

YANBU to expect him not to spend money you can't afford, especially on something which excludes most of the family and is a luxury.

YABU to count an overnight flight as a night away. Nights away would by most people be considered nights in a hotel.

IamPeas · 20/08/2018 15:41

If the hotel etc is paid for I'd cut the credit limit down on the credit card while he is away. It's a bit like cutting off the wifi for a teenager. Shrug your shoulders back at him. Same passive aggressive crap he has pulled on you

WTF?

Mushroomsarehorrible · 20/08/2018 15:49

This

GoatWoman

Why have so many if you can't look after them or even afford them.

and this

serbska
Well you chose to have three children! God knows why people choose to have more children than they can cope with.

Want2bSupermum · 20/08/2018 15:54

iampeas Her OH has made a unilateral decision regarding time away after speaking with the OP. The credit card limit change is the OP making a unilateral decision just like he has. It also limits how much is spent, something to consider as NYC is expensive (I work in Manhattan and lunch is never less than £10).

happypoobum · 20/08/2018 15:55

YABU

If I go to NY I will say I am going for four nights if it's four nights in a hotel. Most people lose a day/night coming home because of the time difference. Obviously it makes it five nights away but most of that is the time difference.

If you had posted saying DH wants to take his DD to NY for her 21st but we have three other children and absolutely cannot afford it, you would have a very different answer.

Saying you cannot cope with your own three DC for a few days on your own as a reason for being angry does make you look a bit silly.

I think you need to be honest with yourself here. Are you angry/jealous that he is making this trip with her?

IKnowItsTIMHONKSTIMHONKS · 20/08/2018 15:56

Yeah I don't understand why it's an issue tbh - the issue is obviously not about the amount of time he's away.

Gotta agree with the PP who said they don't understand why people hate being alone with their own kids. My DH went on a stag do for 3 days while I stayed at home with our 11m old twins - I was upset about him going because I'd miss him, not because I couldn't cope with my own children. It was actually a really nice weekend alone with the children.

Womaningreen · 20/08/2018 15:57

Something else going on here surely? 4 nights means 4 nights in the hotel.

RachelAnneJ · 20/08/2018 15:59

I think it's a lovely trip for the two of them to do together.

I wouldn't count the flight as a night away, I would say they're going on a four night break to NY.

You say that you're feeling envious and I guess this is what is driving your anger.

PlatypusPie · 20/08/2018 16:01

You lost me when you whined about the prospect of looking after your own children, in your own home , for a few days. Why on earth would you need the help of friends and family to just, you know, live ? ?

MoanasPig · 20/08/2018 16:06

You seem abit jealous??
Ask yourself if this is real issue x

Ignoramusgiganticus · 20/08/2018 16:06

He has only booked 4 nights in a hotel. Be generous and then bank some time off for yourself in the near future leaving him with the kids.

CripsSandwiches · 20/08/2018 16:08

I can't believe the sexism on this thread

Well you chose to have three children! God knows why people choose to have more children than they can cope with.

Well her DH chose to have three more kids too! He should have realised that in choosing to do so he forgoes the right to saunter off on a holiday for as long as he wants when he wants because he has responsibilities at home.

OP hasn't said she can't take care of the kids but like most of us is probably tired by the end of the day and wants some help with bedtime, bath time etc.

I bet no one would be supporting her if she said she wants to have almost a week away on a holiday and her DH was moaning about her.

InfiniteVariety · 20/08/2018 16:08

They are having 4 nights in NY and then the flight home which is reasonable.

I was also frequently on my own with 3 very demanding & exhausting children (all grown up now) but often for several weeks not just a few days!

Take some time for yourself after he's returned

Trollop1 · 20/08/2018 16:10

You seem abit jealous??
Ask yourself if this is real issue

I agree
A night on the grand scales of things is nothing, you need to build a bridge!

TwitterQueen1 · 20/08/2018 16:10

I struggle with the 3 of them on my own and pay for help during bedtime routine

Unless any of your DCs have additional needs Want2b (if so, ignore the rest of this!) I find this very sad and I'm really shocked by it. This is the time of day for confidences, cuddles, reading stories, chilling... What does the paid help do?!

And yes, whining at having to look after your own children without help is ridiculous.

His DD is 21 OP. He'll never have the chance to do this again. Be happy for them, not bitter and jealous.

MissConductUS · 20/08/2018 16:10

Be nice. Send him to Saks on Fifth and get you something sparkly.

Tiffany is much nicer for jewelry and it's just up 5th Ave. a few blocks.

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 16:13

he forgoes the right to saunter off on a holiday for as long as he wants

He’s gone for the agreed length of time.

MaryShelley1818 · 20/08/2018 16:14

I also agree with your OH. 4nts away is 4nts in a hotel which is what he has booked. Not really his fault that the transatlantic flights are usually overnight due to the scheduling/time difference. Does it really make a difference that he’ll be home first thing in the morning instead if the night before? Your children will be in bed asleep anyway.
How do you think single parents cope? Or those of us whose partners work away?

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 16:14

And it’s a one off trip for a special occasion. It’s not like he’s swanning off every month.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/08/2018 16:16

It's not 5 nights, it's 4 and one flying home.

ThatFridayFeeling · 20/08/2018 16:18

This isn't about the extra night away. OP you need to be honest with yourself.

Trollop1 · 20/08/2018 16:20

I think that you should get to have 5 days and nights child free

Why does it need to be a competition - he took his other daughter out for her birthday!

Also quite shocked that some parents find 3 night alone with their children so shockingly hard, I've left my husband for way longer with mine, one with SN! It's no issue at all and we don't "owe" each other holidays or need payback?

Those kind of games create resentment, the end of relationships and shock horror times of parenting alone for much longer

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 16:22

Maybe he could make it up to you by taking you to Australia for a few nights.

You know, a flight there and back.

serbska · 20/08/2018 16:22

I bet no one would be supporting her if she said she wants to have almost a week away on a holiday and her DH was moaning about her.

Yes I would.

It is important for parents to support each other, and to look after the children on their own at times.

The OP absolutely should go away and leaver her DH to do the child care single-handedly.

HarshingMyMellow · 20/08/2018 16:23

Griping over the 'extra' night is petty and you know it.
You said 4 nights, he booked 4 nights. The flight doesn't count.

As for not coping with your own children? Hmm

This is definitely centred on jealousy.
It's a huge milestone birthday for his DD, the trip sounds fantastic, let them enjoy it.