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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 20/08/2018 14:31

I genuinely don’t understand how people can’t manage being alone with their own children. Confused

(Higher multiples excluded)!

IceCreamFace · 20/08/2018 14:31

Previous posters are definitely not reading the post. He ca't afford this holiday as it is and he deliberately ignored what they agreed on then laughed at OP when she got pissed off he is VU. I bet the reaction would be totally different if OP said I want to go away for 5 days and spend money we don't have to take away my older child and DH is getting annoyed.

OP's DH chose to have 3 more kids and when you have 3 young kids and not much money a 5 day adults only holiday is a luxury you often can't afford.

wombat1a · 20/08/2018 14:32

YABU, 4 nights away when you 'lose' one with flying is a waste, He is away for 4 nights and travelling on another. The biggest Q is why on earth can't you cope for less than one week with your own children? Many many people cope fine for weeks at a time.

You're jealous and BU.

Dennishoppersocks · 20/08/2018 14:32

Georgiethegorgeousgoat that’s a mean shitty thing to say.Biscuit

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 20/08/2018 14:32

YABU it's 4 nights away and one is spent travelling that's all. Part of me thinks you are jealous the daughter gets to go to NY and not you. He is treating his daughter, once on a lifetime thing as she turns 21. It's no major issue.

With regards to coping with 3 children, you will be fine it's 5 days not a 6 month deployment....

IamPeas · 20/08/2018 14:35

I think the issue is that your DH is having a great trip away to NYC without you, and you would like to go too if you could (not necessarily with DSD in tow). It is a bit rubbish for you, but YABU by getting angry with him about the flight home. Most long-haul return flights that I've taken arrived back in the UK +1-day. 4-nights away is 4 nights in accommodation.

The 'issue' with looking after your children on your own is an excuse. The last thing you want is the possibility of him feeding back to DSD that you are annoyed about the trip. Let it go and arrange to do something nice together as a family in the next few months (or have someone look after the kids and enjoy some time just the 2 of you).

lindyhopy · 20/08/2018 14:35

Wow YABVU.

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 14:37

I agree with others. The night on the plane never counts as one of the nights away when booking.

HollyGibney · 20/08/2018 14:37

I genuinely don’t understand how people can’t manage being alone with their own children

I don't think that is a shitty thing to say actually. I agree with it.

Doingreat · 20/08/2018 14:38

Yanbu.

I think there's a lot more going on here than the 5 night trip. The extra night has triggered other deeply buried feelings within you.

If money is tight why has promised his daughter something like this? This would be the issue for me. Yes it's a milestone bday. But he should have celebrated by keeping within your (plural) means. It's really unfair on you and his other kids because this unnecessary trip will no doubt come from your joint finances.

He doesn't seem to respect you much tbh if he's laughing at you. Does he prioritise his dd at the expense of everyone else in other ways? Does he often overrule you or ignore your wishes? Does he make it a priority to spend time with you and make plans with you?

If he's irresponsible with money this is something you need to tackle head on.

You definitely have issues bigger than the new york trip. And his behaviour right now is vile.

ScattyCharly · 20/08/2018 14:39

I can see your point of view here, you asked him to limit the trip to 4 nights away and he’s going to be away for 5 nights, despite only 4 of these actually being hotel nights and one being a travel night.

On the other hand, reducing it to 3 nights in NYC and 1 in transit would mean that there wouldn’t really be enough time in NYC to justify the flights and actually see what’s there.

Also, re being on your own with the kids. OK that will be hard work at their ages. But 5 nights will not make much difference as compared to 4.

Try to reduce your workload for the days he’s away. Stick the telly on for long times. Get the quickest and easiest food you can. Work out what is the hardest thing about looking after the 3 of them and try to mitigate that part of the job.

Perhaps you could make up with him by sitting down together and figuring out a plan for you to cope during the 5 nights. I am sure you will cope, you will find yourself able to do this even if you think it’s too much for you. Perhaps you could both work at organising/tidying your home in advance to make the 5 days better.

Delatron · 20/08/2018 14:42

I’m also assuming the fact he’ll spend thousands (and it will be) on this trip will have an impact on any holidays you and the kids can have. That would be my issue.
NYC for 4 days is a real luxury. He could have just done a European city for a couple of nights. Seems very indulgent.

BarbaraofSevillle · 20/08/2018 14:43

The issue is DH having an expensive trip away that it sounds like the family can't afford.

The OPs upset about the time away is probably exacerbated by the fact that she will probably never have a similar trip herself, because the money isn't available and the DH is unlikely to be willing or able to be in sole charge of their DCs for a similar amount of time.

Yet again it sounds like a DH making plans without any thought about his DCs. How would he react if the OP announced she would be away for a few days and he would be at home on his own with the DCs?

missyB1 · 20/08/2018 14:45

The whole idea was crap if you can't afford it, hows he planning to pay for it anyway? Hope he isn't putting you all into debt for it.

52FestiveRoad · 20/08/2018 14:46

I don't think you sound jealous, or unreasonable. I think he has done whatever he likes and is expecting you to go along with it, with no consultation, and expecting you to just carry on with childcare without any discussion. That is disrespectful to you. I would feel annoyed about that, but you will get very little sympathy on MN as soon as you mention a DSD you will be seen as U, jealous etc.

SlimmingMumOf1 · 20/08/2018 14:47

I think you are envious. You wouldn't be posting this if it was you and your DCs going to NY instead of him and his oldest daughter.

Slimmingsnake · 20/08/2018 14:48

My dd is nearly 21.... I would love a trip with her to New York to celebrate her birthday,and to give me a nice little holiday...but I won't book it because we have 4 dc,and we can't afford it.so we will go for a meal as a family to celebrate her birthday instead...I think your dh is a cheeky f...he should of stayed within his financial means...but he clearly just fancied a jolly

OctaviaOctober · 20/08/2018 14:50

You've just reminded me of my ex, who would go away for five days and call it a "weekend trip", because Friday apparently was part of the weekend and you couldn't count your first and last day as trip time because of the travelling. Tosser.

However, I'm in two minds about your DH taking his DD away for her birthday. It's a lovely thing to do for her. I'd be more concerned about the money than the time. Are you sure you're not fixating on the nights issue because it's something you caught him out on, when you're really bothered about the cost? If you can't afford it then I don't blame you. If the trip will cause financial hardship then it shouldn't be happening at all.

IamPeas · 20/08/2018 14:51

I think OP's DH is laughing because he can't believe her conspiracy theory that he and DSD have connived together to get one over on her:

Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first

OP - do you get on okay with DSD? reading between the lines it looks like there might be a bit of conflict about DH's relationship with her? I admit I may be wide of the mark here.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 20/08/2018 14:54

I think the problem is how shit he is with money. This sounds like a lavish holiday he can’t afford?

AlansLeftMoob · 20/08/2018 14:54

The daughter is 22, she turned 21 last year, presumably this has been planned for and saved? Otherwise if he's so bad with money how would he afford this?

This isn't an out-of-the-blue thing.

She asked him to limit his trip with his daughter to four nights in NYC.
They're spending four nights in NYC.

You knew you would be alone with your 3 DC (who are, again, not babies, at least two of them are presumably in school) for four nights, so what's one more? Do you feel exhausted with them in general, is there more to it? Do you need him to step up more with them?

Reading between the lines you seem really hurt that he's having a wonderful trip and you're "stuck" with your DC. If he has successfully managed to fund this trip, when he comes back why don't you aim for a trip away for a year's time and save again, then you'd all have something to look forward to.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 20/08/2018 14:54

Of course it’s not a shitty thing to say (love the biscuit bye! How scary Grin)

They aren’t babies, and I’m talking from a place of experience. The OP is being dramatic about one extra night.

Brahms3rdracket · 20/08/2018 14:55

YABVU. I wish my father had bothered to see me on my 21st birthday, let alone take me away and spend time alone with me. You are coming across as bitter and jealous sorry.

Willow2017 · 20/08/2018 14:56

If you cant affird it how is he paying for it? Will you be going without to pay for it?
Seems stupid to book a holiday when he knows that youcant afford it but sounds like doesn't care but is making a grand gesture to look good.

You really need a discussion on finances and make him realise he cant continue to spend as he likes with a growing family. He sounds childish "I want i will get."

IamPeas · 20/08/2018 14:57

Also - the idea to go to NY was made last year, when financially things may well have been better for OP and her DH? I'd defy any parent who promised a trip to NY for their child's 21st birthday to renege on it later. DH could be stuck between a rock and a hard place.