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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
MindBodyChocolate · 20/08/2018 14:59

I think your bigger concern is that your DP sounds pretty financially incontinent. Yes, it's a 21st birthday. Why he has to spend thousands on a trip to NY is beyond me. Don't stress about the extra day. Stress about the huge Atif money this is going to cost.

EdisonLightBulb · 20/08/2018 14:59

I also think you are being unreasonable about him giong away with his daughter for her 21st, be it 4 days or a week. Also about being on your own with your DC, that is a non issue and you should be able to cope on your own indefinitely if need be.

I do however have sympathy if you say you can't really afford it and DH is useless with money because this has not been a cheap holiday. NYC is very expensive, not just flights but the hotels and eating out. Not even considering transfers to and from the airport and museums, bus tours etc when you get there. Also, it sounds to me like he is using DD's 21st as an excuse for a fancy jolly, she's 22 now, why wasn't this organised for around her 21st over a year ago?

For that reason, and that reason alone YANBU.

adreamofspring · 20/08/2018 15:00

Hi OP - do you think you're probably wound up about other stuff and this misunderstanding took you over the edge?

Don't focus on this issue with your DH. If it's something else - not pulling his weight, bad with money etc then work on that. You'll lose the 'number of nights away' argument.

You're going to do great looking after your 3 on your own. Prepare him to come home and be ready - jet lag and all - to take over solo parenting and then check out yourself. Even if you can't afford to physically go anywhere.

Then focus on the fact that you've got three lovely trips with your DCs to look forward to once they each turn 21 while he holds the fort for you.

MindBodyChocolate · 20/08/2018 15:00

Amount, not Atif

Willow2017 · 20/08/2018 15:00

But to be fair unless there are medical issues with your 3 kids why would you need help looking after them for 5 days?

I would ne pissed off at him spending money we dont have but looking after my own.kids wouldn't be a problem.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 20/08/2018 15:02

It’s a lovely gesture, but the people who I know who are dreadful with money are very good at the big snowy gestures, then look all “whaaaa...?” when they can’t pay the bills! If he’s one of those I’d be a bit miffed too. Though he can’t renege now as pp says.

loveisland · 20/08/2018 15:02

Yabu it's only as it's with the sd you seem like the wicked step mother ime!! He made the gesture he can't pull it back now. Overtime and hard work are the only things he can do to sort the money side out, but will you be cribbing over the fact your home with your own 3 dc if he works more to pay for the trip?

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 20/08/2018 15:03

Snowy? Showy!

Hissy · 20/08/2018 15:03

It’s NOT mean to have the mind boggle at a parent being unable to care for their very own kids single handed (all of which will be in bed of an evening from 7ish onwards)

I can’t abide women who post how they worry about the father and how he’ll cope with the kids when she’s away for a day or so, and this is no different.

Some of us had very little/bugger all support or help and we all coped.

The trip is about as short as it can be.

I dare say the “get over yourself” response is fortunate as it’s preferable to how I’d greet this level of resentment and manipulative behaviour

sonjadog · 20/08/2018 15:04

It´s a special occasion and it is a night on a plane. I think you should let this one go.

TomHardysNextWife · 20/08/2018 15:08

In fairness OP, most flights back from NYC are overnight ones due to the time difference. And bear in mind he'll have horrific jetlag for a day or two at least - I felt like an extra from the walking dead, it was awful.

It's lovely he's doing this with his DD.

Try to see the positives.

Want2bSupermum · 20/08/2018 15:11

I have 3 DC who are 7, 5 and 2. I struggle with the 3 of them on my own and pay for help during bedtime routine. I fully understand where the Op is coming from on being annoyed at an extra night away and I think PPs are being unfair.

If the hotel etc is paid for I'd cut the credit limit down on the credit card while he is away. It's a bit like cutting off the wifi for a teenager. Shrug your shoulders back at him. Same passive aggressive crap he has pulled on you.

In future no one should go away if you can't afford it. Are his younger DC all going to get trips to NYC or the cash equivalent when they turn 21? No, didn't think so.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 20/08/2018 15:12

Actually I think YANBU. I'd be annoyed at this too.

I'd be annoyed at the cost especially if you don't have the money. He's no doubt going to be buying his dd gifts/meals etc in NYC which isn't making things any cheaper.

The fact that one night is in transit is irrelevant; you agreed to a number of nights away and he should have stuck to that.

For all the pp citing "if you were a single parent", "my husband worked away" argument, the OP is not a single parent and her DH doesn't work away so moot points really.

Tbh I really hope you can get a break too, OP, at some point and leave him to it.

FinallyHere · 20/08/2018 15:15

on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails.

While I sort of understand that travel time might be understood to not count, your post made me wonder how often he has been the sole parent in charge of your three for five nights? I agree with PP that if he doesn't already know from experience, that now, before this holiday, is the he should find out. Give you a break in advance to gather your strength.

Sometimes, it takes showing, not telling, for someone to understand your point. All the best.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/08/2018 15:18

I think it isn't 4 vs 5 nights at all. I think it's that you don't want him to go on the trip. That's fine since you have money concerns, that's a very valid reason NOT to go. BUT, if that's the real reason then YWBVU not to tell him so in no uncertain terms before the trip was 'approved' and booked. Now it seems that you're just making up reason to be resentful. Afraid you're going to have to suck this one up, and the next time something comes up that you can't afford, be more honest about it. He may do it anyway, but at least you will have spoken your mind!

Karigan198 · 20/08/2018 15:19

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. It’s his daughters 21.

PolkaHots · 20/08/2018 15:20

I think you're angry about the whole thing... The extra night is just a peg to hang it on

This ^

GoatWoman · 20/08/2018 15:20

YABU

I think it's a lovely thing for him to do. Presumably this DD didn't get to live full-time with her Dad like the other kids so i think she deserves something more special for her 21st.

I'm also confused by the not being able to look after your own kids. Why have so many if you can't look after them or even afford them.

serbska · 20/08/2018 15:20

Well you chose to have three children! God knows why people choose to have more children than they can cope with.

Yes it sucks being away on your own for that long, but just think of the lovely 5 nights YOU can have away whilst DH looks after the children later in the year. :-)

Singlenotsingle · 20/08/2018 15:23

What on earth would you do if he was away in the army for six months at a time? Shock

Sparklyfee · 20/08/2018 15:25

YABU. Let him have time with his daughter and stop trying to put a dampener on it. Give him the same amount of notice he gave you and then book a trip somewhere for yourself if you want to.
Plenty of people look after their own kids for 5 nights and longer while their OH is away for many reasons.

Childrenofthesun · 20/08/2018 15:25

I think if you asked him to limit it to four nights as that's the maximum you felt you could look after the kids alone, then he shouldn't have booked it without discussing further with you.

However, if you asked him to limit it to four nights due to cost, then he's done as you asked and only booked four nights accommodation.

If this is genuinely an expense the family can't afford, then you need to talk to him about that. There are plenty of 21 year olds that don't get special trps for their birthday because their parents can't afford it. It's nice he wants to spoil his DD but there are less expensive things he could have done if the cost is an issue.

HelpmeobiMN · 20/08/2018 15:29

I would have interpreted 4 nights as being 4 nights in the hotel and then another one for travel so I can see how your DH thought the same. It’s hard to know if this is you overreacting to a misunderstanding though, or him taking advantage of the ambiguity.

Either way it seems very drastic to say you can’t get past it - I think for you to feel so betrayed there must be more going on than just this. Is there a background if other stuff that has led to this?

JustMeHere1 · 20/08/2018 15:29

Hmmm.
I can see why your frustrated, it's an extra night for you to be on your own with 3 young children but he's not spending the extra night in NYC, he's travelling with it so I do think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable.

His reaction - laughing at you would be what pissed me off the most tbh!

I'd make sure he knows he has to do something similar for the other 3 when they get to that age as well!!!

rightknockered · 20/08/2018 15:32

I think that you should get to have 5 days and nights child free. You don't have to go away anywhere if you can't afford it, but tell your dh that he needs to do full childcare and housework with no input from you at any point. You take yourself out for meals, relax, go shopping etc.