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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
littlesquish · 20/08/2018 16:25

Annoying but personally if my DH said 4 nights I would 100% take 4 actual nights in a hotel etc and not include my travel within that. X

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 16:25

I bet no one would be supporting her if she said she wants to have almost a week away on a holiday and her DH was moaning about her.

Yes I would.

So would I. TBH, I bet most would be saying he had to “man up” and get on with parenting his children.

Chickychoccyegg · 20/08/2018 16:25

if he's paying out of joint money, and you can't afford it, then he was very unreasonable to offer this trip as a gift, and obviously your 3 children will get a trip to NYC or similar for their 21st birthdays, which you can go on.
I don't think the length of time is a problem, I think paying that amount for a present that he can't afford is ridiculous!

mrsshelby44 · 20/08/2018 16:26

I think the biggest problem here is the fact that you can't cope with your children on your own for 4 (sorry 5) days or nights or whatever. What would you do if your husband died of left you? You need to work
On that 🙄

mrsshelby44 · 20/08/2018 16:29

And tbh I actually think it has nothing to do with you looking after your own kids, you're just being mean because he's gone away with his older dd and you sound resentful and jealous.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/08/2018 16:29

This isn't about coping with the dc. The OP begrudges her DH swanning off having a lovely time without her. Which I can sort of understand BUT he's taking his DD away for her birthday. OP knew about this DD when she got with him so shouldn't really be pulling her face now imo when he does something special for her.

mrsshelby44 · 20/08/2018 16:31

I agree Duck

Gillian1980 · 20/08/2018 16:31

The 4/5 night issues - yabu. I wouldn’t ever include travel time and whenever we fly long haul we try to do so at night. I always count the nights actually at the destination. You should have been clearer about what you meant.

Parenting 3 children alone for a few days - sorry but I think yabu. People manage it all the time, some manage it indefinitely as single parents. And I’d say the same to him if you wanted a holiday.

Re the money - yanbu if you have joint finances. A 4 day break for 2 to nyc can be pretty expensive and I’d expect a big spend to be discussed first if finances are joint.

Re the destination - yanbu. It’s fair enough to be jealous if you want to go yourself. But take it up with him and don’t begrudge your dsd.

daffodillament · 20/08/2018 16:32

I have three kids all the time on my own. My DH is only home at weekends. I actually love it, works well and we always have loads to talk about when we're together at the weekend. His DH had a milestone bday and he is doing something lovely with her. Let them just enjoy that time together. It WILL be expensive so get him to research beforehand all sorts of offers and cheap things to do. Get something booked up for yourself, with friends..a night out/spa day or something you can look forward to too !

PuddinginPerth · 20/08/2018 16:32

These responses are savage.

I think I understand the issue here. Begrudgingly you agreed to this trip, even though you know you can’t afford it and even though you know he’s going to spend even more money while he is over there.

Secondly, you’re stuck with your brats at home.

You know full well he doesn’t care that he has upset you. Your marriage is basically over.

He’s done this, it upsets you and he won’t apologise. Further, you’ll be paying this off for some time to come and you won’t likely see a holiday any time soon.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/08/2018 16:32

I bet no one would be supporting her if she said she wants to have almost a week away on a holiday and her DH was moaning about her.

And I'll bet you are wrong. She'd have a great deal of support unless part of her post was that the family could not afford it.

JamForBrains · 20/08/2018 16:32

It's only 5 nights. Many others cope for years alone. In my case the majority of 12+ years.
Having said that HIBU to book 5 nights when he promised 4 and to then laugh at you is nasty. HIBU to take his DD to NYC if you can't afford it. You can make a 21st special without breaking the bank and getting into debt. You need to have a serious talk about all of this.

daffodillament · 20/08/2018 16:33

His DD I mean ! Blush

BobRoss2 · 20/08/2018 16:36

Having said that HIBU to book 5 nights when he promised 4 and to then laugh at you is nasty.
He booked 4 nights...

BlueberryPud · 20/08/2018 16:41

Prepare him to come home and be ready - jet lag and all - to take over solo parenting and then check out yourself

I'm not sure that's possible for someone with jet lag. Maybe it's just me, but it's different from just being overtired. It's almost paralysing.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 20/08/2018 16:43

Yabu n jealsous

daffodillament · 20/08/2018 16:44

Jet lag isn't that bad. We are only 5 hrs ahead in UK.

thetwinkletoescollective · 20/08/2018 16:44

Hello,

I think that for him to go away with his adult daughter for her 21st is a magical and amazing thing that they will be able to treasure for ever. I also think he did stick to the boundaries that you set, regarding four nights and I don't think I would count the flight back as a night away.

When and if you go to NY together in the future it will have a completely different dynamic as you are a couple so try not to live from your initial reaction - which is understandably I would love to do that.

Please try and find ways to reframe your thinking on this trip and take a bigger view of it.

At the moment you are thinking of all the negative things and how hard it is going to be for you. The more you think like this the more likely it is for that to happen and you will fall into a vat of misery and self pity!! This could go very sour very quickly - But its not too late!!

Be as proactive as you can be:

Make a list of the things that you can really influence while he is away to make it as stress free as possible.

-Places you could go eg book them all into the leisure centre childcare for two hours so you can go to an exercise class/swim/shower and have a coffee.

  • Ways to make it easier on yourself - don't do bath time every day, or only bath certain children on certain days!
  • Lists of things your love eg Order in the takeaway that you love but he doesn't like and scoff the lot.

Try to be as open and as encouraging as you can eg: Be pleased for them, be interested, give the trip your blessing - it will make for a much more harmonious family life.

In reality you probably won't miss him and you will get to watch what ever you want on the telly.

When my husband went away for an amazing stag do I thought it was going to be terrible but I didn't even miss him!

OctaviaOctober · 20/08/2018 16:45

Secondly, you’re stuck with your brats at home.

Speaking of savage responses Grin

CrossFlannelCherry · 20/08/2018 16:46

My DH has had a week long lads' golf trip every year of our married lives - no drama, I used to just get on with it with the DC (they are adults now). My Mother was widowed at the age of 36 with 5 young children, and had no family or friends around to help - now that's tough!

I agree with PPs you are pissed about the whole thing and using the 'extra night' as the main issue because to say you don't want him spending time and money on his DD sounds, well, not very nice. If you honestly can't afford it, and it will cause hardship, then that discussion should have been had, and a compromise reached, before they booked the trip.

PuppyMonkey · 20/08/2018 16:46

A trip to NY does sound like an exceptionally OTT gift for a daughter’s 21st birthday. Especially coming from someone who is crap with money.

And actually I think he should have explained properly and kindly to OP that because of flights it would be five night away from home.

Laughing at her for questioning it? Hmm

Yeah he sure sounds like the poor innocent good guy in all this.

boredmaman · 20/08/2018 16:49

(His dd will be 21 just once! She won’t be turning 21 again so it’s not like he will be off away with her every bloody year is it. For a one off as his dd is turning 21 I think your cope with your other dc for a few nights won’t you surely?

She's 22!

socraties1234 · 20/08/2018 16:50

YABVU and I think you are very resentful towards your step daughter, what is 24 hours seriously, I think you are showing signs of the green eyed monster. How do you normally get on with your step daughter? Do you usually show signs of jealousy or do you get on? I feel sorry for the poor girl you are trying to ruin a special time for her.

Poloshot · 20/08/2018 16:50

Finances aside, what a control freak

katielouise3 · 20/08/2018 16:59

Yeah, 5 nights is not much worse than 4!

I feel there is a lot more to it though, and the OP is resentful of the fact that her DH is spending what she sees as their money, on his daughter.

I understand why though. And it is slightly odd IMO. When my friend's husband decided to take his son away to EuroDisney for his 10th birthday, he took my friend too.

Any reason why he isn't taking you too @lolarocco ?