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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
Dadto4munchkins · 21/08/2018 17:49

You already know you are being unreasonable, I`m suprised you even asked unless you are fishing for the one supportive comment that justifies you being upset at Dh. Crikey she is 21 and he is guilty as hell, this shows he is a caring dad, so maybe irresponsible, maybe not good with money, but he is doing this for the right reasons. Be a better person, support him and help. In 15 years the other 3 will get their turn

postcardsfrom · 21/08/2018 17:50

YABU. It's a big trip to do in 4 days as it is, the jetlag is a killer first couple of days. It's for her 21st, it's a once off, and it's booked so if I were you I'd get over it and wish them a good trip.
I'd look into some time for yourself, a weekend away with a friend or similar, for later in the year.

Nousernamefound · 21/08/2018 17:51

You got off easy, my husband went on an 11 day stag do to the USA when my kids were about 2 and 4! The hen night was at a restaurant. 13 years on I still bring it up. Mostly because I was gutted not to get an equivalent holiday 😂

namechangefriday · 21/08/2018 17:53

Blimey you sound awful and a bit pathetic.
5 nights on your own with your own kids is not difficult - yes it might be tiring and god forbid boring but they are your kids fgs!

He sounds great and the travel is extremely exhausting so he’s done the right thing

Suebreo · 21/08/2018 17:53

Nope don’t not like it, it’s bad enough if u can afford, u should all be doing something as a family to celebrate SD 21st she should want her step siblings involved.
I realised they are young but a nice tea party should be good enough on a budget.

happydappy2 · 21/08/2018 18:00

My DH travels a lot, leaving me home with the kids-I’ve learnt to view it as a mini holiday-get organised, have fun things for kids to do & great netflix lined up for you in the evenings-not worth going out & risking a hangover as good sleep is key to you having an enjoyable few days. Get yr fave food in & enjoy not having to cook for him! Also accept that when he returns he’ll have jetlag so expect him to fall asleep on the sofa!

TidyDancer · 21/08/2018 18:03

OP is annoyed and jealous and seizing on this one small issue to make a point of this. I think it's lovely that her DH wants to do this with his DD.

brighteyeowl17 · 21/08/2018 18:03

I’d be more worried about the way he speaks to you, depending on his tone telling you to ‘get over it’ sounds nasty and condescending.

FontSnob · 21/08/2018 18:04

This thread seems full of perfect mothers who never tire of their children. How nice. You can choose to have children and still be exhausted by them ffs. Kids are hard work, some are harder, some are easier. I’m sick to death of the single mother argument in posts like this, yes you work hard but that doesn’t mean you are the only ones with the right to be knackered. And I’ve been a single mother before anyone has a pop.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 18:06

This thread seems full of perfect mothers who never tire of their children. How nice
does such a thing exist? No, we are imperfect mothers who definitely tire of our children while knowing that they are our children and we have to look after them, tired or not!

Angiemum23 · 21/08/2018 18:07

It’s one extra night. A few hours.

FontSnob · 21/08/2018 18:12

Toomany so why give the OP a hard time for voicing what all of us imperfect mother feel? No where does she say that she’s not going to get on with it? And we wonder why women’s mental health suffers when the OP has had the replies that she has had for daring to voice her feelings about coping alone.

user1471517900 · 21/08/2018 18:12

"Great news daughter.....for your 21st birthday......I've organised a kids tea party with all my other kids. Feel special now?"

namechangefriday · 21/08/2018 18:12

Admitting we tire of our children does not render us incapable of entertaining them for a few days though!

Monkee4 · 21/08/2018 18:13

I think it’s the way it was done that is upsetting op. If as a couple you are worried about money. And anyway What is this craze of parents taking their children to New York for their birthday? I know of 16 year olds being taken. 18 and now 21 - IMO - what are they going to do when their older? It’s on a par with very expensive stag and hen holidays. What’s wrong with a nice present/day out/party?

incywincybitofa · 21/08/2018 18:15

I hold my hand up as an imperfect mother who spends 4+ nights with her children on a frequent basis whilst her DH is away. What exactly are you expecting your friends and family to be able to do?
I know plenty of other parents in the same boat.
You just get on with it.
Is he away during term time when presumably your older two will be at school anyway?
It is fine to be a bit envious. But it is his daughter. He probably just wants to enjoy some time with her before she is too old and doesn't have the time for him. He can do amazing things with you and each of your children in the future.

SalemBlackCat · 21/08/2018 18:15

Why didn't you ask to go with him, all as a family?

RedSkyLastNight · 21/08/2018 18:15

OP's DH will be home pretty early on the day after travelling and hopefully having slept and available to help with DC all day. That's way more useful than arriving home at say 8pm when the DC are in bed and having a body clock all over the place so likely to be not much use when they do wake up.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 18:17

Toomany so why give the OP a hard time for voicing what all of us imperfect mother feel?

I think it was the "asking family and friends for help" bit that did it. Everyone that just gets on with it was a bit wtf about that, as if OP has never managed a couple of evenings of bedtime without help.

Supermum29 · 21/08/2018 18:23

I think YABU. Seems to me that this comes from jealousy and nothing else. Sorry Op. Apologise, be nice and ask him to buy you something nice while he’s there!

FontSnob · 21/08/2018 18:23

Toomany... what does it matter to anyone else if she does need a hand at bed time?? What's wrong in asking for help if you need it? It's not like she's not going to suck it up and get on with it is it.

FontSnob · 21/08/2018 18:24

Namechange, she's hasn't said that she's isn't going to so it though has she?

Stopyourhavering64 · 21/08/2018 18:27

I was left on my own with 3 young dcs mon-fri for years as dh worked 350 miles from home and only came home at weekends!...and I was working 3 days a week myself
It's quite possible that as well as it being 21st Birthday trip dsd may also have just graduated, and it's a joint celebration?
I'd have loved a trip like this with my df.....unfortunately He died 2 days before my 21st Birthday

FontSnob · 21/08/2018 18:27

Namechange...did you also just say that the travelling is exhausting for the poor DH straight after telling the OP that she sounds "awful and a bit pathetic"?

bubblegumunicorn · 21/08/2018 18:28

It’s his daughters 21s birthday let them have this time there is nothing worse than your dad going off and getting a new family and you becoming an afterthought 🤷‍♀️ So I would be glad he’s not like that and you can take comfort if you two ever split he wouldn’t forget about your 3 either!!