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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
katielouise3 · 20/08/2018 21:39

@CherryPavlova

perfectstorm - children on the whole are what parents make them. They are usually an active choice for parents. I do lack empathy for such flakiness, yes. My children were all bright enough and energetic enough and my husband worked away a lot but one manages.

Intelligence doesn’t make them harder to manage. Foppish parenting does.

Do you actually know what 'foppish' means?

In the context YOU have used it, I am guessing not. Wink

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 21:40

Firstly....

That is the first reason she’s annoyed, not necessarily why she specified 4 nights. The “4 nights” request is given after saying she was worried about cost. Given she has not specified exactly what she said, it’s pure speculation.

The fact is that an X night holiday in NY takes X+1 days.

LannieDuck · 20/08/2018 21:46

I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed.
And I would take that as meaning 4 nights in NYC. As would most posters in the thread.

Well, I wouldn't.

Will he be home to help with bedtime on the 5th night? No? Then he's away.

OP, YANBU. And he was well out of line for laughing at getting one over on you.

llangennith · 20/08/2018 21:53

Yabu but I understand your exasperation.

cherish123 · 20/08/2018 21:56

It's only 4 in hotel. So only the cost of 4. It's not that big a deal.

HJE17 · 20/08/2018 22:05

I think people questioning the OP on why she Isn’t thrilled about 5 nights alone with her kids are being wildly unfair. Sure, single parents do it. It doesn’t mean it’s easy or that it’s what she signed up for. My mum is legit the best parent this world has ever known, and she has a great relationship with us 3 kids... but she once admitted to me that when we were young and my dad travelled a lot for work, those were “the most miserable years of her life”. If the OP’s husband set the expectation that he’d be away for 4 nights, I might question whether 4 nights in NYC were worth it given the distance... but I certainly wouldn’t expect him to turn around and say “ok then I’ll be gone 5 nights”, and laugh at me being upset! OP, people have been pretty nasty on this thread and I’m sorry. YANBU, although you WILL get through this. I’d agree, you should take a night or two off when he gets back. Don’t go away if money is tight, but have a nice evening over at a friend’s house or take yourself to a movie or something!

PuddinginPerth · 21/08/2018 08:00

In reality, this will be a weeks absence. The packing will take a day, the recovery will take a full 24 hours to adjust. He will return home with a different perspective and she will have had 5 nights with her brats.

ImAIdoot · 21/08/2018 08:14

YAB a bit U.

FWIW I don't think laughing when someone is cross at you and you haven't done anything wrong is nasty. I think it's actually more appropriate to the situation than arguing back and allowing things to escalate. There is the possibility the other person will get the message, from your refusal to entertain their negative approach, that they are possibly BU.

Ethylred · 21/08/2018 08:20

She is your step-daughter, you are her step-mother.
Hmm, it's that step word isn't it?

TheOxymoron · 21/08/2018 08:22

Remember that one day your children will have 21st birthdays. I am sure you will not want restrictions put upon those.

PurpleFlower1983 · 21/08/2018 08:25

YABU, 3 nights is not enough for your first time in NYC and the fifth night is on a plane.

Doingreat · 21/08/2018 10:51

Nope. 3 nights is nowhere near enough in NYC. Or 4 nights as in the case here.

It may, however, be quite enough for the mum left on her own with 3 young kids and no other means of support!!

Zoejj77 · 21/08/2018 17:31

It’s his daughters 21st - be happy for them it’s a big event

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 17:32

She's 22!

Hissy · 21/08/2018 17:35

Duh... it’s FOR HIS DD 21st.

Second line of the op

Darkrainbowsquid · 21/08/2018 17:35

I wish my father had even remembered my 21st when he was off playing happy families with his second wife and new children.
Decent chap to take his daughter to NYC, she has probably missed out on a good few years of a full time dad so let them go and enjoy themselves! Life is too short

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 17:36

Duh, she's TWENTY TWO. If it was for her 21st its at least a year too late so hardly a big monumental occasion for her 21st Hmm

Frazzledstar1 · 21/08/2018 17:40

I can understand why you are annoyed but to say you can’t see a way to get over it seems a bit extreme....let him know exactly why you are annoyed, but move on. There are much bigger problems in the world. I have 3 dcs age 5, 2 and 6 months do I completely get how you must be dreading a few days alone with them as I know how full on it can be but you will cope. It’s a temporary measure and when he’s back you’ve earned lots of extra help so you can catch up on sleep/have some peace and quiet/drink all the wine or whatever else you need to recover!

Jeepy · 21/08/2018 17:43

Say that's fine, but he needs to arrange one of his family to help with the kids?
I suspect this is really about the fact that you are being left out of a fab trip and have to struggle wit the kids on your own, rather than its just about the extra night.

anxiousworld · 21/08/2018 17:44

Jesus, calm down. I think most of this is jealousy on your part... it’s his child’s 21st birthday.

If he were to disappear forever how would you cope with your children all by yourself?

My sister is a single mother to 4 boys, 17, 10, 9, and 5 and a 2 year old daughter. Somehow, I think you’ll survive.

neveracceptpoortrading · 21/08/2018 17:45

strange this one - are you really sure it's about the nights? - you talk of your distinction "The stepdaughter" as if she shouldn't occasionally be spoilt and loved like the children you have had together.
Get over yourself and stop being a selfish cow. Yes a selfish cow. YYABU, VU

FatCow2018 · 21/08/2018 17:46

Agree with PP, you sound bitter and jealous OP and in serious need of a grip. Can't manage your own children for 5 nights?! Christ.

Linnynewby · 21/08/2018 17:48

I agree. OP is getting a lot of negativity here. Everyone agrees that it's 4 nights and 1 night travelling time however if they agreed to OP having the kids for 4 nights alone (that THEY BOTH decided to have) then I sympathise. The husband, as described, seems really not bothered about this and very unapologetic. Posters here seemingly wanting to tell OP to suck it up because "single parents do" is completely irrelevant. If they parent as a team then he should act like it.

However, not to sound weak but I agree to pick your battles. There is no way to prove he did not do this accidentally and if indeed an accident then what's done is done. I agree you should get some time away and make sure DH is babysitting !

Carriecakes80 · 21/08/2018 17:48

I understand the jealousy, but this is his kid too, its a special birthday, and this will be something she can cherish forever. I would have been over the moon if my Dad had ever done anything like this for me when he had had another family, unfortunately I got forgotten as soon as he had other kids, and he's never spoken to me since. Broke my heart, and yeah, I might be in my 30's, but I'm still his kid. Be thankful he's the kind of parent that still bothers!

As for the looking after of your own kids for five nights, I lost my partner so had 4 kids, plus worked full time, plus then did childminding for an extra two kids when I got home for two hours, so I was cooking for 6 kids five nights a week for years :-) You can do it! Be kind. She turns 21 just the once, and thats his little girl. x Just make sure he brings you something nice back!

JulianOfNorwich · 21/08/2018 17:49

I think we know where this is going from your first two sentences. Setting up your battle lines efficiently.
You don't seem to like your step daughter or acknowledge that your husband is her father.
Going mad over an 'extra' day that isn't really? You are just full of resentment at their relationship/ her existence.
Hey- I've been alone with my kids for 2,372 nights now, since their dad died. I'm sure you could manage 4 or 5 with your own kids- if you really wanted to.