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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
Jazzy11 · 21/08/2018 20:14

21 is a massive birthday and it's rare kids get to spend alone time with their dads when parents split. Yeah it's tough with kids but you'll get through it, money and everything sound like excuses your making because your jealous. Be happy for them it's an amazing experience and it's nice to see a dad make so much effort for his child

flowerpott · 21/08/2018 20:14

I think you need to work out why you're really upset. To me, it sounds like there is some bitterness towards your SD, which really isn't fair. She's his child. Presumably you knew he had an older daughter when you married your DH and so accepted he had existing parental commitments? He must have maintained a strong enough relationship with her for them to take this trip together, and so she must have been a part of your life?

It's a once in a lifetime treat to his DD, whilst she may not be your DD, he clearly wants to be a good father to her and personally, I'd want to support that. You never know how life will pan out, but I'd take this as a sign he's the type of man who commits to his role as a father. If it's causing your family hardship moneywise then that's another issue, but the reasons you've given aren't strong enough for you to be upset imo.

Monkee4 · 21/08/2018 20:17

In my humble opinion DH is making a grand gesture to make up for things with his DD by giving a status gift. My exP was away pretty much all of my daughters baby and young life up to about the age of 9 - travelling abroad often for 3 weeks at a time with work. I had no family support. When he stopped it was because he had "missed out on so much" never because it was hard on me. As I said He is now an ex P and buys expensive gifts for teenage DD .... its an insecurity thing or a Dad thing....

jelly449 · 21/08/2018 20:18

I also think there's more to this - it's the fact that he's going with his daughter on a massive experience jay you aren't apart of that's the problem.

If seriously you are annoyed because he's gone for one extra night - you need to get over yourself. New York is a long way, the flights take up a lot of time of the trip. Let him go and have a nice time with his daughter.

NotBeforeCoffee · 21/08/2018 20:22

This doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship

limitedscreentime · 21/08/2018 20:31

My husband is away a lot and I totally get the feeling of horror of an extra night, but actually when you look at the situation you are being VU and it’s not actually going to kill you - although it won’t be fun. I’d go and eat out a lot (or get cook meals in) to minimise the impact at home.

And use this as a bargaining chip for a spa day (which i never end up actually taking 😕).

Twillow · 21/08/2018 20:31

Is it more that you're angry about the trip per se, I wonder?

It's very special thing to do for a daughter, you should be grateful he's such a good egg and one day will hopefully treat your joint children to something similar.

SuperMumTum · 21/08/2018 20:44

Over all YABVU. You chose to have 3 children, you should be able to look after them by yourself for a few days. It's lovely that he has a relationship with his eldest DD (whom presumably you were aware of before having your kids) and wants to treat her like this. You need to get a grip. However his reaction is very childish and not helpful and I'm not surprised that's got your back up a bit. Good luck.

SuperMumTum · 21/08/2018 20:45

If you really can't cope with your kids for a few days get pizzas in and let them watch a lot of telly. It won't damage them permanently for one weekend.

neveracceptpoortrading · 21/08/2018 20:58

Dadto4munchkins, strongmummy and flowerpott we share the same opinion, but you all said so with so much more eloquence. I was quite rude, but this moaner is not being honest with herself and is holding a much deeper resentment. Needs addressing before it kills their relationship

WhiteCat1704 · 21/08/2018 21:01

In my humble opinion DH is making a grand gesture to make up for things with his DD by giving a status gift. My exP was away pretty much all of my daughters baby and young life up to about the age of 9 - travelling abroad often for 3 weeks at a time with work. I had no family support. When he stopped it was because he had "missed out on so much" never because it was hard on me. As I said He is now an ex P and buys expensive gifts for teenage DD .... its an insecurity thing or a Dad thing....

This

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 21/08/2018 21:03

YABU. It is a one off gift for his daughters birthday. Do you really begrudge her one on one time with her father. 4 nights or 5 nights there isn’t really much difference.

PieAndPumpkins · 21/08/2018 21:04

I think you need to figure out what you're pissed off about.

You flew off the handle about the number of nights - it's not costing any more for an overnight flight and therefore an extra night away - so we're assuming it's about looking after the children. I think that's really silly and YABMassivelyU. I'd echo what many others said, you chose to have those children, you really should be up to coping for that short a time. Many people's partners work long hours, or work away. Life goes on.

If you are upset for the wax he's speaking to you, then I do agree you're justified in being offended.

Also for what it's worth, I think that gift is excessive.

sansouci · 21/08/2018 21:40

I can understand your anger and resentment, but this young woman is your DH's daughter and she deserves some time with him and yes, even spoiling as it is her special birthday (coming of age). And New York is not exactly next door!

He should have arranged some help for you while he's away, though. That would have been a kind and thoughtful thing to do. However, people rarely behave the way we think they should, IMO.

Be the "bigger person" and let it go.

wheresthehope · 21/08/2018 21:43

Has OP even been back?

LG123 · 21/08/2018 21:59

@wheresthehope

Nope, not once - just been through the whole thing!

parentin · 21/08/2018 22:32

Would you have the same reaction if he was taking you or 1 of your kids🤔.
Why so bitter & jealous?
How often dose he get to see and spend quality time with his daughter during the years, cuz surely your kids have got the best of him. Also people who plan holidays normally save towards it (You sure he ain't done this). An important milestone for his daughter, and your being resentful and very bitter, dampening his/ their spirit. If you can't handle looking after sleeping kids YOUR OWN sleeping kids why did you not stop at 1. Absolutely a ridiculous statement to make. Envy is eating at you, if you not carefull with that you'll be looking after them a lot more often and longer on your own.

sleepylittlebunnies · 21/08/2018 22:39

I imagine he must be a decent father to your 3 children or his absence wouldn’t cause you to panic over one extra night away. On the one hand he has been a bit sly as you agreed to 4 nights away; if work agreed to me having 4 nights away they wouldn’t be happy that I would still be travelling on the fifth night.

I didn’t realise turning 21 was a thing these days, I’m 40 but we had a big family meal on my 18th as I became an adult. Nothing changed turning 21. But with your children’s ages that would likely have been worse timing for a trip away.

I’ve not been to New York but I would think that flights, hotel, meals and visiting all the sights would be very expensive. If it is money that’s the issue the time to raise your objection was when he first mentioned New York. Maybe a European city like Barcelona, Amsterdam or Krakov would have been more in budget and not require more time away than agreed. The trouble is although you are reasonable to be annoyed with certain aspects of the trip focussing on 1 extra night does sound petty.

Damsel · 21/08/2018 22:54

I think - like many others - that it’s lovely your DH is creating this special memory with his daughter.

You should be happy he’s such a good Dad.

Could I kindly suggest you take an honest look at why you have reacted like this. It seems motivated by jealousy & resentment towards your SD. It’s nothing to do with how many nights he’s away & whether one of them is on a plane or not. I sense a large part of your anger is down to how much the trip is costing. Do you believe that money should more rightfully be spent on your DC.

If say you were ever to split up from your DH, I’m sure you’d be happy for him to take one of your children on a trip like this in the future. How would you feel if his new partner was reacting like you are now?

DameSquashalot · 21/08/2018 23:03

I don't think OP will be comong back. Don't blame her really.

Sunstella · 22/08/2018 00:10

flowerpott

...She's his child. Presumably you knew he had an older daughter when you married your DH and so accepted he had existing parental commitments?

^ So there is a parental commitment to spend thousands of pounds on a child’s 21st birthday even if the family can’t really afford it? Confused

Has OP even been back?

^ I’m astonished by the amount of criticism on here, so many of you making OP a bitter and jealous stepmother Hmm I would not be coming back either

Ohyesiam · 22/08/2018 00:26

Wheni First booked flights back from the us I got really muddled by the dates because of the time change and almost had someone meet me at the airport a day early.
But he’s crap not to have a bit more sympathy with you.
Your next three kids will also need the ny treatment though, so make sure you get to take the first two.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/08/2018 00:34

21 is not a massive birthday. However, If he hadn't started a new family, then an extravagant time consuming trip to New York would be spot on. But given he has 3 more kids who are really young - then no way.

Hertha · 22/08/2018 01:15

But they agreed the holiday.

Tessliketrees · 22/08/2018 01:59

New York for 4/5 nights for a birthday sounds like a piss take 21 or not.

I also find it super odd that she would want to do that. 4 nights in New York with her dad? Weird.

You should be happy he’s such a good Dad

Yeah, he's a fucking prince. He has three young kids at home and is spending a fortune taking his adult child to the US.