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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

367 replies

lolarocco · 20/08/2018 13:57

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

OP posts:
LuckyDiamond · 21/08/2018 18:29

He did book 4 nights.

Beagle840 · 21/08/2018 18:29

OP sorry you are having a hard time on here. It seems whenever someone mentions being a stepmum on here you get a lot of people automatically thinking they are resentful of the stepchildren.

I personally don't think YABU to object to such huge expense when funds are tight. Presumably if DH had suggested going with a friend or with you or as a family you would also have felt the same? Some posters are jumping on the fact that he is going with SD but it doesn't sound to me from reading your OP that that's the issue. It's an extravagance that your family can't afford and for me, that would be the bottom line.

The 4/5 night issue is a tough one. Did DH say he would be away for 4 nights, or staying there for 4 nights? I'm thinking it could be just an innocent misunderstanding.

Annalogy · 21/08/2018 18:30

I reckon he feels guilty for her having a broken home and is over compensating. At the detriment of you and your DCs.

I don't think her turning 21 is a valid enough reason to spend money that he doesn't have and leaving OP with 3 young children who maybe won't get a holiday as a result.

Maybe I'm just bitter Wink

soph12 · 21/08/2018 18:33

I agree totally with you on this one. Yes he wants a special time with his daughter but there are other cheaper options. Why should u be left on your own with the rest of the children and he is still away 5 nights regardless!

AnTeallach · 21/08/2018 18:37

I think it's great that OP's DH still has a relationship with his eldest child and the fact he's remembered her 21st and wants to treat her is amazing! I've raised my 3 kids on my own since they were very small and like many, many others, without any outside help from family or friends. They're now all young adults and would love their father to have shown more than the vaguest nterest in them and their lives and remembered their birthdays (& ages!). In your case OP I think YABU - this is a cause for celebration!! (Though I understand it's hard with money being tight.)

Hertha · 21/08/2018 18:38

I reckon he feels guilty for her having a broken home and is over compensating.
This is my guess too. Only guesswork as I don’t think OP is coming back, but I bet the previous trip to NY was just OP, DH and their kids, and now he feels bad that his other daughter was left out (for whatever reason).

It is an extravagant gift but the OP did seem to agree (albeit reluctantly).

catlady34 · 21/08/2018 18:39

I can see both sides. It's 4 nights for him because he'll be on a plane for the other one, and it's 5 nights for you because that's how long you'll be solo parenting. NY is far away and awesome, I wouldn't begrudge him one more night.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 18:40

what does it matter to anyone else if she does need a hand at bed time?? What's wrong in asking for help if you need it? It's not like she's not going to suck it up and get on with it is it

Well its quite relevant to the question she asked, isn't it? Whether she is being unreasonable or not. And she is unreasonable to make such a fuss about looking after her own children.

She agreed it was fine if he went. He's going. Her quibbling and complaining now is unreasonable.

(For context I wouldn't have agreed to him going in the first place!)

JulianOfNorwich · 21/08/2018 18:43

They might "parent like a team" ... but OP has to acknowledge her husband plays for 2 teams.

Strongmummy · 21/08/2018 18:49

You’re making this into a bigger issue than it is. There’s been a misunderstanding and he wrongly assumed you meant 4 nights in a hotel. I can understand why you’re nervous about looking after the kids on your own, but he’s doing a lovely thing for his step daughter. He’s phrasing it very badly, but you do need to get over yourself as I think part of your upset is linked to jealousy. Make sure you book time away for yourself when he gets back and he pays.

Lisabel · 21/08/2018 18:49

It is 4 nights at a hotel and it's for his daughter's 21st so that's all fine.

You will be alone with your three young kids and not getting a chance to enjoy being in New York yourself, which is less fine! To deal with the situation either he needs to buy you a lovely souvenir or you need to book something special for yourself (if money's tight then it could be for your next birthday instead).

CoolCarrie · 21/08/2018 18:56

Your dh has set the bar very high for your 3 children’s 21st in the future, so you need to just get on with it, and remind him in the years ahead.
She is only 21 once op, so let it go.

FontSnob · 21/08/2018 19:11

toomany her aibu is that she agreed 4 and then he changed the goal posts to 5 nights.

Everyone has subsequently jumped on her for daring to feel that 5 nights is going to be hard work. My point is that its the attitude of posters like yourself and others that make it difficult for mothers to ask for help when they need it without being made to feel like they are failures or heinous mothers for daring to voice that kids are hard work. So she feels daunted by the prospect of that much time with the kids without her DH. That isn't unreasonable.

Annalogy · 21/08/2018 19:14

I just hope that he'd be fine with it if OP went off for 5 nights.

ittakes2 · 21/08/2018 19:21

It’s far and expensive - 4 nights is not long - 4 nights with an extra travel day is min - yabu.

RaisinBread · 21/08/2018 19:24

You are being unreasonable he has booked 4 nights away. It’s a long haul flight so has created a 5th night where he is not at home.

I’m a single parent of three children, no family living near by, no help. I’m with them, every, single, day.... and yes it’s tiring but it’s fine they are kids I’m an adult. Teachers manage to be responsible for classes of 30 at a time. Three is nothing in comparison. 5 days is also really not a major hardship!

Just think of the other 360 days a year where you have help on hand. Not the 5 days you won’t.

EdWinchester · 21/08/2018 19:25

I wouldn't much relish looking after 3 small kids on my own, but I do think you're being a tad unreasonable.

Sometimes being a step parent causes conflict between 2 sides and I think this is one of them.

It's a lovely thing for him to do with his daughter and I think it'd be unfair on her if he restricted it because of his younger children.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 19:29

She is only 21 once op, so let it go

She was at least a year ago!

Hertha · 21/08/2018 19:33

She was at least a year ago!
If she was promised it on her 21st it’d be mean to rescind it now.

KnightofWands · 21/08/2018 20:03

Wow! YABVU.

Delatron · 21/08/2018 20:03

I agree fontsnob and this thread has turned in to a competitive ‘I have 6 kids and my husband is away for 320 days a year and I cope just fine’ thread

Of course it’s exhausting looking after 3 young kids on your own all week with no respite. It’s ok to say that and admit it. Why do we all try to be superwomen and claim that it’s fun and not tiring at all! We are doing ourselves no favours downplaying how much hard work (and quite frankly boring) looking after small children is.

I think NY for 4 days when you’re strapped for cash is an over the top present for a 21 year old. DH is dismissing her feelings too which is worrying.

derxa · 21/08/2018 20:04

Oh FGS let him have this holiday with his daughter.

Sher87 · 21/08/2018 20:05

Absolutely spot on girl!

fedupwithcookingfromscratch · 21/08/2018 20:06

I don’t think YABU but I would like to offer another POV. As the oldest daughter of a dad who had a second family, I never got to spend any special time at all with him because by the time I was 21 he had a baby and a toddler and a stepmother who always insisted on taking priority. I’m not suggesting that you are like that, but 21 is a special birthday. And she will always remember that he made it special for her. As a mum now with one young DD I can also understand how crap I would feel being left for almost a week. I would tell him how difficult it’s going to be but you get that this is an important birthday. You and your kids with him will have those too and you will expect him there!! Realistically they will lose one day to travel and jet lag so he isn’t taking the piss, but it could have been handled better.

FupaGlory · 21/08/2018 20:07

You are being unreasonable and it could be the jealous thing that's making you seemingly pedantic. It's normal. But unreasonable