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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad and disappointed with him

187 replies

hersandhis · 19/08/2018 15:15

Basically we have a six week old. I'm on maternity leave. DH works 8-5 Mon-Fri.

He's never done an entire nights worth of feeds. He's done one half a night and for a few days while he was on paternity he took LO in the morning so I could sleep in.

Now he's back at work. I don't expect him to do the nightfeeds whilst he's working but thought it would be nice if he did one night once a week, maybe on a Friday. This hasn't happened.

Last night, (Saturday) I was so utterly exhausted I struggled to hear my LO crying in the night and he was literally right next to me. DH heard him and just kept nudging me throughout the night to get me to wake up. I also a dodgy belly in the night and was sat in the toilet for god knows how long.

We were supposed to be visiting family this morning. All of us. DH literally couldn't wake me up this morning. He went downstairs with LO at 8:30am and was trying to wake me up for an hour and a half. Bearing in mind we were supposed to be leaving at 10am. I didn't go in the end because I didn't have time to get ready and I still had a poorly tummy. So DH went with LO without me. They were gone 2-3 hours.

Tried talking to DH to explain that I feel like I'm not getting enough help and support from him and all he said was 'I gave you a lie in this morning and went out with LO to give you a break and that's you not getting enough help and support?!?'

Um. No. You didn't give me a lie in. I wouldn't wake up. You kept trying to wake me up because we were supposed to go out.

You didn't go out with Lo to specifically give me a break as we were all supposed to be going.

Just infuriated me.

There's so many other little things as well but this is so long already so Cake if you managed to get to the end Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 16:25

Okay yeah I definitely wrote too much Blush

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Pickleypickles · 19/08/2018 16:28

I think you need to tell him in plain English "on Friday night this week you need to do all the night waking for me please as I am shattered and can t do another night of broken sleep"

MellowMelly · 19/08/2018 16:30

I had my cake! Thanks!
It’s still early days with your little one, maybe you partner might need a few little extra nudges to help out a bit more.
Some men take a little longer to get into the swing of things!

Seniorschoolmum · 19/08/2018 16:31

You need an agreed routine with his bits spelling out in big letters. And short words Smile

a) Friday night, he does all night feeds and you get up on Saturday so he can have a lie in
b) Saturday night you do night feeds and Sunday morning he gets up so you can have a lie in. Until 10am!

hidinginthenightgarden · 19/08/2018 16:31

Have you actually said this or just thought it?

*"Um. No. You didn't give me a lie in. I wouldn't wake up. You kept trying to wake me up because we were supposed to go out.

You didn't go out with Lo to specifically give me a break as we were all supposed to be going."*

Same with wanting him to do Friday feeds. You needs to ask for help.

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 16:34

I did talk to DH last week after the weekend just gone that it would be nice if he could do one night a week, obviously at the weekend. But he still hasn't.

The nightfeeds are just one thing that are bothering me

It's little things day to day and I just feel like I'm losing it and struggling on my own but then I think of what DH does and wonder if I'm being unreasonable

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MissContrary · 19/08/2018 16:45

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms to pull his weight. Not getting up this morning wasn't a great way to deal with it either though. If you weren't going to go you should have told him when he first woke you rather than messing about not getting up and not being ready in time when you had planned to all go together. That way he would have known, wouldn't have kept waking you and could have cracked on.

Spanglyprincess1 · 19/08/2018 16:50

I'm breastfeeding so I feel your pain and my baby is seven weeks now. Dp never does a feed as I'm struggling to express but he takes baby out or into another room for 3hrs or so in morning or early evening so I get a chunk of time.
A lie in sounds reasonable on sat or Sunday tbh , I think you need to be direct and say directly to him what you need

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 16:51

Do what Seniors suggests and sleep in the spare room if you have one the night he does the feeds.

growup1 · 19/08/2018 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 16:56

@MissContrary I didn't do it on purpose! I didn't hear him trying to wake me up this morning. I didn't deliberately stay sleeping. That's how exhausted I must have been.

I was annoyed at myself for not waking up as I did actually want to go out!

When I'm particularly tired, I doubt an earthquake would wake me. Hence why I was even struggling to hear my LO crying in the night

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scaryteacher · 19/08/2018 16:56

We split the night feeds so I did Sunday through to Thursday, and dh did Friday and Saturday. I could snatch a nap when ds napped during the day, and got two full nights at the weekend. Dh got a full nights sleep on the days he had to get up and go to work.

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 16:59

@Spanglyprincess1 I'm exclusively formula feeding so no excuse really for DH.

When he was still on paternity leave he would let me have a good chunk of sleep in the morning and take LO for a few hours but nothing now he's back at work.

Last Sunday he even tried waking me up early and mumbled something about us going to a bootfair! Hmm I told him to get stuffed :) haha

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Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 17:00

@growup1 huh? Hmm

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Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 17:02

I tried talking to him the other day about just trying to help more around the house and got the "But I'm at work all day"

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User12879923378 · 19/08/2018 17:04

I love the idea that the problem is that maybe you haven't asked him to do more. Like the problem is that he somehow has not noticed that he never has the baby at night and you always do, or that a bloke can't be expected to realise that no one male or female is physically capable of doing every feed every night all week.

Does he think it's safe for his baby to be looked after by someone so exhausted that they cannot wake up for over an hour and a half? Seriously?

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 17:08

@User12879923378 thank you 🙏🏼

DH does nothing around the house unless I specifically tell him to do a certain thing.

Asked him if he could take the rubbish out. He did it but didn't then put a new bag in the bin. Hmm

I was seriously ill last Monday and struggling to look after LO, in desperation i asked him to come home from work, he didn't, which I understand but he told me not to worry about doing dinner and said he would do it. Then he got home ordered sausages and chips from the takeaway Hmm even though we have sausages and chips in the freezer and then couldn't be bothered to put the plates in the dishwasher and left them for me to sort the next day.

I have also actually mentioned to him about doing one night feed a week and he still hasn't and I don't see why I should have to ask again.

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MumW · 19/08/2018 17:09

Stop hinting and tell him in no umcertain terms that you will do the Sunday-Thursday nights and he's doing the Friday and Saturdays.

If moans that you get it easy and he works hard then tell him that as it's so easy with the baby all day that he can do next weekend AND go out even if it's to the local premier inn to catch up.

Men seem to have this idea that SAHMs just sit around doing nothing.

Hadalifeonce · 19/08/2018 17:11

In my experience, men are rubbish at taking the hint, you have to explain it in simple words, 'I want you to do (something) on/at (when). Also in response to the I've been working all day, so have you..... and you've been doing it on very little sleep. My DH was brilliant, if he came home from work and the place was a tip, he would make me a cup of tea and start tidying, he never gave any criticism re housework.

MumW · 19/08/2018 17:12

I don't see why I should have to ask again.
You shouldn't but if you want it to happen, you're going to have to be assertive.

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 17:12

He's a peach, isn't he?

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 17:17

@Hadalifeonce had a massive heart to heart with DH in bed the other day.

Explained how I felt. Also tried explaining that I work literally 24/7. I said that I in no way don't appreciate what he does going out to work five days a week but tried to explain from my perspective that doing all the night feeds, doing all the housework, cooking the dinner and looking after the baby all day was literally exhausting and just as hard work as him going out to work everyday, if not more so as I literally don't get a break. I get maybe an hour or two in the evening when he gets home from work and takes LO so I can bath and finish doing the dinner. That's the only break I get.

Tried explaining all this to him because I wanted him to understand and just appreciate a bit more. After I finished explaining he just kept going 'shhhh'. I found it very patronising and made it clear I was pissed off with this response to which he said he was only joking but made no other comments about anything I had said to him. Hmm

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Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 17:19

@Hadalifeonce should also say he will do stuff around the house but 99% of the time I have to ask or tell him too.

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Lollypop701 · 19/08/2018 17:23

You need to get up next Saturday and leave the house from 9am to 6pm. Go to a local hotel and sleep. Leave a note telling him what you’ve done and that any issues he needs to shhhhhhh. Preferably put a laxitive in his meal the night before. He has no idea what’s involved and needs to get a grip

Thebluedog · 19/08/2018 17:23

I think you need to stop asking him and start telling him. It’s 50/50 housework and dc care when he’s at home. You get a whole night of sleep, that includes him not trying to wake you on Friday night and a lie in until 10am on Saturday and gets the same on Saturday night and Sunday morning. He cooks and cleans up Saturday, you do Sunday. During the week you share bedtime routines and washing dishes after tea. Put it down in black and white.

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