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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be mad and disappointed with him

187 replies

hersandhis · 19/08/2018 15:15

Basically we have a six week old. I'm on maternity leave. DH works 8-5 Mon-Fri.

He's never done an entire nights worth of feeds. He's done one half a night and for a few days while he was on paternity he took LO in the morning so I could sleep in.

Now he's back at work. I don't expect him to do the nightfeeds whilst he's working but thought it would be nice if he did one night once a week, maybe on a Friday. This hasn't happened.

Last night, (Saturday) I was so utterly exhausted I struggled to hear my LO crying in the night and he was literally right next to me. DH heard him and just kept nudging me throughout the night to get me to wake up. I also a dodgy belly in the night and was sat in the toilet for god knows how long.

We were supposed to be visiting family this morning. All of us. DH literally couldn't wake me up this morning. He went downstairs with LO at 8:30am and was trying to wake me up for an hour and a half. Bearing in mind we were supposed to be leaving at 10am. I didn't go in the end because I didn't have time to get ready and I still had a poorly tummy. So DH went with LO without me. They were gone 2-3 hours.

Tried talking to DH to explain that I feel like I'm not getting enough help and support from him and all he said was 'I gave you a lie in this morning and went out with LO to give you a break and that's you not getting enough help and support?!?'

Um. No. You didn't give me a lie in. I wouldn't wake up. You kept trying to wake me up because we were supposed to go out.

You didn't go out with Lo to specifically give me a break as we were all supposed to be going.

Just infuriated me.

There's so many other little things as well but this is so long already so Cake if you managed to get to the end Grin

OP posts:
OutPinked · 19/08/2018 18:19

It would be worthwhile making a point of this becoming a weekly occurrence. Explain to him how exhausted you actually are and say every Friday or Saturday you would like him to help out by doing the night feeds if that’s ok.

With regards to a lie in, a good compromise is he can have one on the Saturday and you on the Sunday or vice versa.

Don’t be afraid to ask him to watch the baby while you have an hours nap sometimes when he returns from work either.

C0untDucku1a · 19/08/2018 18:19

Op he is a lazy waste lf space. Why do you want to be married to a man who disrespects you?

Having a child with someone is not commitment to a relationship. Being engaged means nothing.

How old are you both? Have you ever had another relationship?

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 18:21

@C0untDucku1a I'm 22. He's 34.

I was 18 when we met and it is my first relationship. My first kiss. First sexual partner.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 19/08/2018 18:21

Why do you want to marry him anyway? He's an arsehole.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/08/2018 18:23

He fucking SHUSHED you when you were telling him your feelings!!!!!???!!! That's LTB territory for me right there. You don't shush someone who is baring their heart to you, not even as a 'joke', because it's not a fucking joking matter!!!

Stop providing domestic services, you need to conserve your strength for you and baby. Let him make his own fucking meals, do his own fucking laundry, sort his own fucking admin. Give him a box of tissues and a Playboy and say "The bathroom's that way Fucker, I'm tired!".

I just hate when men don't carry at least part of the weight because 'they're working'. Depending on what he does, working can be much less strenuous and stressful than carrying 100% of the domestic duties.

Hadalifeonce · 19/08/2018 18:23

I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like your partner doesn't even offer you the courtesy of actually listening to you. How would a written down rota/job list per day go down? eg Friday night Feeds DP, Saturday night Feeds DP. Tuesday dinner DP, Thursday dinner DP. Even loading/unloading dishwasher, ie the non cook loads the dishwasher.
Would he accept it in black and white?

GoatWoman · 19/08/2018 18:27

There are so many threads like this. Did he ever want a child?

I ask this because I have now 2 failed marriages under my belt and to be honest, if I had my time again, I would never have a child with a man whom also didn't desperately want one. I tell my daughter this.

I think it's so important. I had a very wealthy but crap dad who actually seems to hate children. He did a whole lot of damage but hey, I had a pony! My first partner wanted a baby but then bolted when she arrived.

Second, made it clear that he never wanted children. I agreed at the time, but ended up resenting him due to premature menopause and empty nest syndrome when my daughter left for Uni. We have now divorced.

Good luck to you whatever happens

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 18:28

@AcrossthePond55 Yes, he shushed me.

I was actually still speaking when he started the 'shhhh'. Every time I paused for breath he just kept saying 'Sshhhh'. He had no other response to anything I had said to him.

It felt so so patronising. I rolled over away from him and told him I wouldn't be continuing the one side conversation to which he said he was only joking with the 'sshhh' but he had nothing else to say about anything I had said to him.

I even tried to reassure him and said I wasn't having a dig and he hadn't done anything wrong but I just wanted to explain to him how I was feeling.

And I still just got 'shhhh' like he was trying to shush a baby to sleep or something Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 18:30

@GoatWoman he has children from a previous relationship but he said he wanted us to have a child of our own too.

Although, I imagine if we didn't end up having a child (we struggled to conceive) he wouldn't have minded as much as me as he already has children.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 19/08/2018 18:30

He doesn't want to hear what you have to say. He has no respect for you.

LeftRightCentre · 19/08/2018 18:32

he has children from a previous relationship but he said he wanted us to have a child of our own too.

It's not at all hard to wonder why his relationship with their mother broke down.

LeftRightCentre · 19/08/2018 18:33

You are far too young to live the rest of your life with this dickhead.

RubiksQueen · 19/08/2018 18:33

Rarely say it but - LTB.

Men who say they were 'going to propose but then you spoilt it' do not mean to propose. Proposal isn't a reward for not being grumpy, or for not saying the wrong thing. Marriage isn't something you get as a prize for being a 'good girl'. He has no intention of marrying you.

Your life would be easier if you were on your own with nobody to answer to, nobody to nag you about domestic things, where you could do things in your own sweet time and be done with it. And he's still liable for child maintenance whether you're married or not.

I'd be looking into a tax credits and benefits assessment as a single person and seriously considering my options. The 'shhh' thing is so utterly demeaning and not at all funny.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 19/08/2018 18:37

He's a bellend who doesn't listen to or respect you Sad. Don't waste your precious life with him ❤

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 18:41

@LeftRightCentre there are various reasons why they split I'm sure but one of the reasons he cited to me (although he admits he wasn't faultless) was because he felt rejected and unloved, not just sexually but in every way. He said there was no intimacy and she made no effort on their relationship. He tried to do regular date nights and such but she wasn't interested.

All of which he is like with me now. The way he described her is how he is with me. He puts minimal effort into maintaining and keep our relationship strong. It's all me.

Although if he behaved like he does now I'm starting to understand why she stoped bothering.

OP posts:
Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 18:43

@RubiksQueen that's exactly what I thought. Saying he was going to propose but didn't because I hinted as though he was punishing me. That's not right. If he wanted to marry me then he wouldn't think like that. Sad Which is what I tried explaining to him when we had or chat. He didn't understand just said it made him feel pressurised etc.

OP posts:
EgremontRusset · 19/08/2018 18:43

Could you go to bed at say 8pm then he does the 10pm ish feed before going to bed? That way you get a few solid hours without him doing a ‘night’ feed. Better of course for him to do an actual night feed Hmm but if he won’t then better than nothing

LeftRightCentre · 19/08/2018 18:48

@LeftRightCentre there are various reasons why they split I'm sure but one of the reasons he cited to me (although he admits he wasn't faultless) was because he felt rejected and unloved, not just sexually but in every way. He said there was no intimacy and she made no effort on their relationship. He tried to do regular date nights and such but she wasn't interested.

He thinks women are put on this Earth to serve him. Every word he told you about that relationship is bullshit. You know that now, don't you? She got sick of his doing FA. Bet he didn't marry her, either. Bet she just spoilt it and was a nag and all the usual bollocks men like this sprout.

He's a glorified baby daddy is all he is.

EgremontRusset · 19/08/2018 18:48

Sorry, I commented back when this was a one page thread.

AppleKatie · 19/08/2018 18:48

Saying he was going to propose but didn't because I hinted as though he was punishing me. That's not right. If he wanted to marry me then he wouldn't think like that. sad

Nail on head OP.

I’m sorry. I came on to say that the first six months is awful for everyone, a huge adjustment, we all row/make mistakes/wish our partners different etc etc...

But fucking hell- the more you post the clearer it is. He’s a twat. And actually he has done this before he should know how to support you.

He does know.

He just isn’t. So game over.

User12879923378 · 19/08/2018 18:49

It doesn't matter what he does unless he is doing night shifts permanently and is just unable to help. When I was on mat leave I did not have to explain to my husband that what I was doing was work too. He would walk through the door and take the baby. He'd play with her and feed her for most of the evening. He didn't do all of the nights but he certainly did 2-3 a week and some of those were in the week even though he had to work (we did shifts, she was a good sleeper which admittedly helped).

He's always been good, just pulls his weight, works out what needs doing for himself around the house. We both have our jobs and we split the baby (or spend lovely time with her together) when we're at home. His dad is the same. It shows what positive modelling can do. And it shows that it is not true that men cannot manage a night with a baby or cope with doing equal baby work whilst working during the day.

User12879923378 · 19/08/2018 18:50

It's still a lot of work, mind, and neither of us is getting the sleep we'd like to have by any means. I don't want anyone to think that I have discovered easy parenting. It's just less hard when you're partners.

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 18:52

@LeftRightCentre he did marry her eventually. He proposed within a few months and they married after five years although I think it only happened because her Nan was dying.

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 19/08/2018 18:53

So you've begged him to marry you.... gosh you must feel so loved. If you have to beg a man to propose then there is something seriously wrong.

Think you need to get a bit of self respect. How humiliating...begging him to marry you

Original poster
hersandhis · 19/08/2018 18:58

@FishesThatFly I haven't begged him. Hmm

I simply explained to him why marriage was important to me originally. He said it was also something he wanted so when it didn't happen I asked him why. No begging involved. No thanks. I want him to want to marry me. Begging him to do so would defeat the point.

But thanks for your unhelpful input. Smile

OP posts:
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