To be mad and disappointed with him

[hersandhis]

Basically we have a six week old. I'm on maternity leave. DH works 8-5 Mon-Fri.

He's never done an entire nights worth of feeds. He's done one half a night and for a few days while he was on paternity he took LO in the morning so I could sleep in.

Now he's back at work. I don't expect him to do the nightfeeds whilst he's working but thought it would be nice if he did one night once a week, maybe on a Friday. This hasn't happened.

Last night, (Saturday) I was so utterly exhausted I struggled to hear my LO crying in the night and he was literally right next to me. DH heard him and just kept nudging me throughout the night to get me to wake up. I also a dodgy belly in the night and was sat in the toilet for god knows how long.

We were supposed to be visiting family this morning. All of us. DH literally couldn't wake me up this morning. He went downstairs with LO at 8:30am and was trying to wake me up for an hour and a half. Bearing in mind we were supposed to be leaving at 10am. I didn't go in the end because I didn't have time to get ready and I still had a poorly tummy. So DH went with LO without me. They were gone 2-3 hours.

Tried talking to DH to explain that I feel like I'm not getting enough help and support from him and all he said was 'I gave you a lie in this morning and went out with LO to give you a break and that's you not getting enough help and support?!?'

Um. No. You didn't give me a lie in. I wouldn't wake up. You kept trying to wake me up because we were supposed to go out.

You didn't go out with Lo to specifically give me a break as we were all supposed to be going.

Just infuriated me.

There's so many other little things as well but this is so long already so if you managed to get to the end

Does DH do a corporate/office job? If so he can definitely summon the physical stregnth to agree to a schedule. As someone in the corporate world I can say that yes there are stressful times at work, but equally there;s lots of chatting and getting coffee. You're with a new baby 24/7. You deserve a weekend schedule that gives you some rest

It just sounds worse and worse.

I really think you need to consider splitting. He doesn't value you or what you do. His treatment of you borders on abuse.

It will be easier to split now, when the baby is little (since your H isn't any help anyway) than when the baby is older. Just think of living in a peaceful home, only having to tend to yourself and your baby.

I'm in the US so not knowledgeable about UK benefit, but perhaps you should check on what you'd be entitled to as a lone parent? With your baby so young all you need is a little 1 bed place.

I don't understand why you aren't reminding him that he is doing the feeds this weekend? To test him? If this was the other way round he'd be called every name under the sun on here.

I also think from his point of view he is doing plenty, he's working in a physical high pressure job all week and then giving you 2 hours break per day and longer at the weekends. Now he's going to do the night feeds at weekends and look after his other children at the same time....I think you need to talk to each other properly about the resentment between you. And leaving his child's pyjamas on the landing for a week when you've presumably been doing a wash every day while he was out isn't great. Fair enough, let him do his own washing but don't have his children come to damp pyjamas in an already unsettled home.

The more you post the more he sounds like a total arsehole!
Does he have redeeming features?

Did he do last night? Or find an excuse to weasel out of it?

I'm sorry but the more I read it the more I can see things from his point of view.

Yesterday he went to work at around 7am as he did all week. You slept until 9.30 as you had for the last few days. When he came home around 5.30 his children's pjs were still on the landing (he's a dick for not thinking of this himself earlier in the week but still). He threw them in the washer and then left the house to collect his other children.

When he returned, hungry and tired with a house containing at least 5 people, he realised that there was no food ready so he would have to cook.

He got his children's pjs out to dry and set to work making the tea. His partner went for her usual 2 hour break in the evenings and spent it tapping away on MN (luckily he couldn't see she was slagging him off as one sarky comment will mean she ltb). He makes a comment, "im gonna start confiscating that bloody phone" (very stupid comment, nobody has that right, however, in a Friday house at tea time where the kids have just arrived after a week away from their dad, is there any place for staring at fbook??)......
Everyone finally fed and in their pjs and he prepares for the weekend. He has promised to do both nights feeding the baby and will give his partner her usual longer weekend breaks while he looks after the (at least) 3 children. He hopes he remembers to do the night feeds because if not he will be accused of not caring about her.

He feels annoyed, he feels tired. He can't communicate with his partner and they resent each other. Maybe they need to talk before it's too late.

When op mentions the 2hr break it was in relation to taking the baby. She carried on with dinner or whatever.

@Sparklyfee He did the nightfeeds last night without reminder. I've got up this morning with LO and left him to have a lie in.

In regards to the pjs, I'm not that mean. I'd never leave children to go to bed in damp pjs to prove a point to my DP. He clearly didn't realise but they have more than one set of pjs. I did tell him last Sunday I'd happily wash their pjs if he brought them downstairs to the machine. He didn't. Just like he didn't bring down three sets of his dirty pants that are still on our bedroom floor. All I did was say to him that I've no problem doing all the washing, if everyone could just make sure they bring their dirty clothes down to be washed.

@sexnotgender he did do the night feed without reminder so points for that.

He does have a considerable number of redeeming features, I suppose.

@Sparklyfee I do agree to an extent and it's good to see another view point.

In regards to my two hour break, nine times out of ten, I'm not sat on my phone, I'm making dinner, folding washing, washing LO's bottles and sterilising them, emptying the dishwasher, etc.

That two hours is for DP to spend some quality time with his son who he hasn't seen all day. An opportunity for him to bond.

Last night was the first night I hadn't sorted out something for dinner, the first night I did just sit on my phone and neglect household tasks.

DP has tried to argue that I just sit on my phone all evening every evening. Not true. I won't sit down on my phone until everything has been done.

For three days this week I've slept in until 9:30am. As I say, usually I get up at 6am with DP.

That sounds reasonable. Glad he remembered! I don't want to sound too harsh I just think it's easy to forget that when he's at work he is actually working. You can get cabin fever at home with a newborn every day and get jealous, resentful of his time out.

Get out to some groups or something during the week, continue with the lie ins until 9.30. You need to get out and see people, even if it's just the odd baby group. Get into a good routine and it will get easier. It's only been 3 weeks since your DP returned to work.

Ask his children to bring their clothes down for washing. Not just him. Seems odd to me that it's his responsibility to pick up their clothes but not theirs or yours. If he doesn't do his own then fair enough, leave his washing if that's what you want. He's an adult .

I think my point is that's it's dangerous on here for relationships sometimes....supportive other times. Everyone is slagging him off but I think there's plenty of opportunity for you to meet in the middle here and it's been 3 weeks only since he returned to work leaving you with LO. It's hard. But that's parenthood for you! You'll get used to it.

Out of interest, why did he say the thing about your phone?? I've told my DP I was going to ram his phone up his arse before when I felt I was doing everything and he was in fbook world or wherever. I wasn't literally going to ram it! Probably

Cross posted there! I think it's just adjustment issues. It's hard.

Can your mum look after the baby one evening while you two go for a meal? Try and reconnect?

@SwanQueen No, he actually does a physical job where he is on his feet all day

And no, you don't have to make dinner every day. Of course not, he's just tired as well I bet and you are getting into the habit of annoying each other and sniping at each other.

Break that habit!

@Sparklyfee I totally agree and really want to make things work between us. It's a tough time and of course adjusting is hard. I'm desperate for us to make this work.

In regards to his kids clothes, he has always told them since the very beginning to put their dirty clothes in a pile. He then goes upstairs, picks them up and washes them himself. Their clothes still get washed by him on a Saturday night as the kids have to pack them up and take them back to Mums. Their pjs live here though so he obviously just kept forgetting to bring them down for a wash as there wasn't the urgency like with their other clothes.

He's right about my phone. I probably spend far too much time on it but in the day when he's not here - it's my only company and I suppose that extends into the evenings. The alternative in the evenings is to watch some crap on the TV that DP is watching.

@Sparklyfee he did also confess yesterday that he had had a really stressful afternoon at work and then he got home and I was in a bad mood.

We just need to talk. To have a proper talk and listen to each other.

He obviously listened when we talked last week, hence him doing the night feed last night without reminder. So that's evidence that us talking can work.

It's difficult for both of you. And I know how easy it is to disappear into your phone. It scares me how MN suddenly turns him into an abuser because he made a comment about taking your phone. He obviously has no right ever to take anything from you....but it's easy to understand circumstances in which he might say that.

Try and go easy on him, ask him to go easy on you. You have a tiny baby. Keep talking, make time for each other where you can.

Make some friends, or at least baby group acquaintances for now. It's human contact at least! And go back to work after your maternity leave if that will save your sanity!

I understand about the kids clothes. At first I was just wondering if you were both being petty towards each other and they might get dragged in to it. But I see that's not the case

People aren’t responding just about night feeds. It’s hushing the op like she is a pet dog when she tries to have a serious conversation. It’s shouting at her both that he can make the dinner and doesn’t need her and he’s mad she hasn’t made the dinner?! It’s shouting at her to just leave and that she’s not to leave at the same time. At best he has zero conflict management skills, poor relationship skills and is pretty entitled.

He didn't tell her to leave and not leave at the same time. You are reading the words any way you like to make him be the one in the wrong.

He found out she'd lied to him, we don't know what about but OP admits she was the one in the wrong. He reacted to this by telling her to leave, he was angry and upset at being lied to. The next day, not at the same time, he'd calmed down, tried to act normal by asking her to join him visiting family but despite being the one in the wrong she didn't.

Flip it all, imagine that he was the one lying, then refusing to leave when told to, then refusing to go visit family.....I know what MN would say. Ltb

And I'm not responding about the night feeds. I'm responding to the obvious signs that OP is struggling to adjust and is lonely. She's frustrated and both her and her DP are understandably tired

"Fair enough, let him do his own washing but don't have his children come to damp pyjamas in an already unsettled home"

Yeah because on MN stepmums are usually told its none of their business if they try to discipline their step kids. Stepmums are still good enough for the cleaning and washing bit with regards to step kids though.

Your DH is a bullying man child OP.

Sparkly he has no buisness taking the OPs phone.

Are you the OPs other half?

OR threatening to take the OPs phone.

Crikey...read back. I have never said it's ok to take her phone. Good fucking god, read her posts

i have read her posts Sparkly. It is highly likely he treated his ex the same way which is why that relationship failed.