To be mad and disappointed with him

[hersandhis]

Basically we have a six week old. I'm on maternity leave. DH works 8-5 Mon-Fri.

He's never done an entire nights worth of feeds. He's done one half a night and for a few days while he was on paternity he took LO in the morning so I could sleep in.

Now he's back at work. I don't expect him to do the nightfeeds whilst he's working but thought it would be nice if he did one night once a week, maybe on a Friday. This hasn't happened.

Last night, (Saturday) I was so utterly exhausted I struggled to hear my LO crying in the night and he was literally right next to me. DH heard him and just kept nudging me throughout the night to get me to wake up. I also a dodgy belly in the night and was sat in the toilet for god knows how long.

We were supposed to be visiting family this morning. All of us. DH literally couldn't wake me up this morning. He went downstairs with LO at 8:30am and was trying to wake me up for an hour and a half. Bearing in mind we were supposed to be leaving at 10am. I didn't go in the end because I didn't have time to get ready and I still had a poorly tummy. So DH went with LO without me. They were gone 2-3 hours.

Tried talking to DH to explain that I feel like I'm not getting enough help and support from him and all he said was 'I gave you a lie in this morning and went out with LO to give you a break and that's you not getting enough help and support?!?'

Um. No. You didn't give me a lie in. I wouldn't wake up. You kept trying to wake me up because we were supposed to go out.

You didn't go out with Lo to specifically give me a break as we were all supposed to be going.

Just infuriated me.

There's so many other little things as well but this is so long already so if you managed to get to the end

You need to tell him straight. You shouldn't have to because he is a parent and working doesn't excuse you of your duties.

It's shit people think it's fair that a mum gets lumbered with all the night feeds, just because she is mum and dad is working.

No sleep doesn't kill you, but it can cause you to do unsafe and stupid things. Every one needs sleep.

YANBU. I remember when my husband went back to work after paternity his work mate also had a newborn baby. He had a big slice of humble pie when his friend asked 'what are your night shifts at home?' and realised his friend's wife, quite rightly, implemented a rota while my husband took for granted that I would get up all.the.time. It's funny as the logic doesn't seem to continue...this is of course purely anecdotal but for my friends and I, unless challenged, the assumption is while on maternity leave, you have to do everything at night. Yet when you're also back at work, you still have to do the lions share of early starts. Best to set expectations now just in case your OH is also one of the unelightened.

However you do need to be specific with men... hinting at a lie in will not work.., as others have said tell him what you need... after the away day!

OK, I'm afraid I don't think this will work (as your husband sounds extremely selfish) but when DH and I had our (bottle-fed) baby we did a schedule on a whiteboard (he did Friday and Saturday nights while I slept in the spare room) and stuck to it to the minute.

Do you think he actually cares about the baby, as allowing the main carer to get so exhausted actually puts the baby in danger, especially when mixing up bottles with boiling water, carrying them about etc. I'm afraid it's evident he doesn't care about you very much.

The way you write about it, it sounds like you are telling him how hard you find it and asking if he can help more. I think you need, instead, to tell him he isn’t doing his fair share and there is no way a job and providing the odd helping hand is equivalent to 24/7 care of an infant with a few bits of support thrown in. That he needs to do one night on the weekend without bothering you at all. That he was pathetic during his paternity leave and if he doesn’t step up to the plate it’s likely to destroy your marriage (because this is why so many married people divorce when their kids are older - the rot sets in early and they just hold on as long as they can). Lay it on the line, be blunt. Because your current method of communication is not getting through.

These are things you likely knew already before you had the baby. Is what you are expecting of him realistic or worth the hassle? So many new parents argue and end up at wits end over these things but you'll have a rhythm and routine within 3 months and won't even remember it.

You either deal with it or the resentment will kill your marriage stone dead.

Black and white conversation - "I feel like I'm doing this alone, and may as well be as you're offering me no incentive to stay. You either shape up or ship out".

You don't have to put up with his shit. Never forget that

Ok, you need to take it easy on yourself. If you are formula feeding, work out howto either get bottle ready 8n advance and a bottle warmer, or one of those new machines wihich do everything. ( sorry I just missed out on those, and years ago you could batch bottle make, and thenheat up, makes no difference in my opinion)

The ready meals are your friend, and ready made mash or oven chips, or ready made rice, pre prepared veg.
Make dinner easier for yourself, and get things which require little prep and cooking.

Take it easy on the house work, just the odd vacuum, and stacking dishwasher, doing laundry ( dont iron, unless essential, or get it ironed)

SLEEP when the baby sleeps. Seriously do this, and have a nap when the baby does, during the day. Midwives, health visitors tell you too, as do the books.

Turn off your mobile, and don’t answer the door, look after yourself

That ssshing you business was way out of order. That is not acceptable.

Do you think he actually cares about the baby, as allowing the main carer to get so exhausted actually puts the baby in danger, especially when mixing up bottles with boiling water, carrying them about etc. I'm afraid it's evident he doesn't care about you very much.

This is the same impression I am left with. He does not listen to you, he does not respect you, he does not care about your wellbeing.

That shit about telling you he would do dinner then getting takeaway and leaving all the mess for you to clear up? No. That is not on. That is not normal. And that is not how someone who loved you would behave in those worse circumstances. That smacks of him making a point of ensuring you get the message it's your job and not to ask him because he'll create more work for you.

As do so many of the incidents you've described.

So what if he works? He didn't purchase you. He shares responsibility for all the tasks necessary to maintain his life - or does he expect you to bathe him as well since apparently working means he is incapable of taking care of himself outside of work hours?

@GlisteningRipeElderberries

I have a perfect prep machine in my bedroom so making the bottles in the night are relatively easy, thankfully.

I also make all dinners 2-3 days in advance so I can just easily chuck in the microwave to heat up.

I spent all day today making meals in advance, making lunches for my DH to take to work this coming week.

Daily I do all the washing, hoovering, keeping the dishwasher loaded and emptied. Washing the baby's bottles, sterilising them. Making sure the toilets are clean.

Still feel like my house isn't clean enough as I haven't had time yet to properly clean. Just surface clean

I rarely sleep when the baby does. Sadly he doesn't sleep much in the day. and when he does i always feel too guilty to sleep because there's always something that needs doing.

@AnoukSpirit When we both worked full time he used to do the cooking most nights and also did all the washing. Maybe he feels resentful because of this. I didn't do nothing though, I would do most of the other cleaning like the bathrooms, hoovering, etc.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care about me too.

I was so upset after I opened my heart to him the other night and his only response was 'shhhh'.

I also feel like I need to justify his behaviour. He does do stuff, when I ask him too. He also changes nappies and look after LO for a few hours when he gets home from work and he equally looks after LO at the weekend (Besides the night feeding)

I don't know sometimes I just feel like I work so hard and he just fails to appreciate it. All the little things he does...

So he's always been a lazy selfish dick who sees lifework as women's work. And you've fallen into this bollocks paradigm of maternity leave being equal to And Wipe Your Husband's Arse Leave Because Aw, Diddums, He Works.

You won't change him. He's always going to be a selfish dick.

Stop saying your appreciate his working, wtaf, that's what adults do. And getting him to try to see if from your perspective.

What TomHardy and BoomBoom said. Tell him, you pull your weight or we are through. Mean it, too. And do not for any reason at all whatsoever become a SAHP or go back PT. You will be doing everything forever.

@BoomBoomsCousin We aren't actually married yet. That has been the cause of many arguments in itself.

When we both worked full time he used to do the cooking most nights and also did all the washing. Maybe he feels resentful because of this.

Then he's a straight up twat.

I was so upset after I opened my heart to him the other night and his only response was 'shhhh'.

I'd have kicked him out of the house for that. What a cunt thing to do. He sees you as nagging because he's not getting his arse wiped.

He does do stuff, when I ask him too. He also changes nappies and look after LO for a few hours when he gets home from work and he equally looks after LO at the weekend (Besides the night feeding)

Big fucking deal! He's her father. That's not even the bare minimum he's doing.

In the early days (as DD was a non stop cryer until about 5 months old) when DH was working a 50-60 hour week, he’d come home around 6pm. We’d have an hour together to eat and catchup, then I’d go to bed until 11pm so I could get 4 hours ‘uninterrupted’ sleep. Then I was ‘on duty’ for nights when he was working the next day but it was fine because I’d got 4 hours sleep at least plus any extra I got through the night. DH then took some weekend night feeds and we just took turns.

The point is we worked as a team and made sure each other got rest and time.

Your DH is using work as an excuse when it shouldn’t be. Tell him loud and clear that he needs to pull his socks up. YANBU.

We aren't actually married yet. That has been the cause of many arguments in itself. hmm

Oh, dear god. Do not jack in FT work. Just don't even dream about it. I'd seriously think of splitting. I'd never have had a baby with a man like this in the first place but that's a moot point now. Does someone have to ask him to do tasks at work? Thought not.

@LeftRightCentre I suppose this is all part of me feeling like he doesn't appreciate me or actually care about me.

Which is something I've questioned even before we had LO for various reasons.

He insists that he does care about me and that he does love me.

Although whenever I mention things that bother me, etc. Nothing changes.

I was happy with how responsibilities where shared when we both worked FT but not now. Although I don't think he was. I think he thought I didn't do enough.

@LeftRightCentre I did make it known to him many times in the earlier day that I wanted to be married before having a baby. I compromised and said I'd settle for being engaged. Neither happened.

He was ready to have a child before he was ready to marry and wanted ttc. I agreed because he's twelve years older than me, not getting any younger. I also loved him desperately and so wanted commitment from him and ttc was he only way I was getting it.

Don't get me wrong, I did want to have a baby, I just wanted to be married first.

Although I don't think he was. I think he thought I didn't do enough.

Of course he didn't. He thinks he should be exempt from doing lifework because he's a sexist.

@LeftRightCentre DH has a job where he's on his feet all day. My job was an office job.

Occasionally he made the odd comment about how he was on his feet all day and I was sat on my bum.

I did say to him that work is work; no matter whether it is sitting or standing.

DH has a job where he's on his feet all day. My job was an office job.

So what! If he felt so hard done by then he could get another job.

Occasionally he made the odd comment about how he was on his feet all day and I was sat on my bum.

What a completely arsehole thing to say. He resents you. He's contemptuous of having to perform like an adult in life.

He was ready to have a child before he was ready to marry and wanted ttc. I agreed because he's twelve years older than me, not getting any younger. I also loved him desperately and so wanted commitment from him and ttc was he only way I was getting it.

I feel really angry on your behalf about this. Not going to spell it out what will happen but he has got what he wanted and sod your ideals. You already gave in about baby after marriage then baby after getting engaged... Don't give up work, whatever you do.

"After I finished explaining he just kept going 'shhhh'. I found it very patronising and made it clear I was pissed off with this response to which he said he was only joking but made no other comments about anything I had said to him"

He sounds like a dick. Sorry.

@hersandhis maybe tell him this...
-If he doesn't spend time with baby he will miss out. Baby will not bond with him.
Or
-Say if he tells you to shush again, you will stop listening to him. He will be shushing himself.
Or
-If he cannot or will not do this with bsby ad around the house, you could get any annoying friend or relative to visit and help, or pay someone? Maybe the thought of a house guest or shelling out for help will motivate him!

Realistically these are tactics one would use with a naughty child! He should know there's to bond with baby, listen to partner and do domestic duties in his own house!

Are going back to work? Keep your options open.

"He insists that he does care about me and that he does love me.

Although whenever I mention things that bother me, etc. Nothing changes.'

He doesn't sound very nice. Be really careful about giving up work or depending on him.

@LongSummerDays I had a long chat with him about this the other day.

Told him I was feel angry and upset about the marriage thing. He claimed that he didn't realise I wanted to be engaged/married first. Which I struggle to believe because I'd said it enough times.

It came up because I questioned why he hadn't proposed while I was pregnant, knowing how important it was to me and then he blamed me and said numerous times he was going to but then I dropped a hint and it pissed him off so he didn't. Then he also said he didn't whilst I was pregnant because we had struggled to conceive and if there were any problems or whatever he didn't know how that would affect our relationship.

He's given different excuses over the years. Sometimes it's because he's not ready. Sometimes it because he wants to do it properly so he wants to save up money. Then he contradicts that by saying he was going to do it but didn't because I dropped a hint. On the occasions he said he was going to do it, he hadn't saved any money or anything.

Anyway, by the end of our conversation, which actually lasted a full week because he was finding it impossible to understand why it was so important to me. He eventually said he understood and he would propose by the end of this year.

I will be stunned if he does ever propose hers. If he really loved you he would have married you before your DC was born as you made it clear that that was important to you.