To be mad and disappointed with him

[hersandhis]

Basically we have a six week old. I'm on maternity leave. DH works 8-5 Mon-Fri.

He's never done an entire nights worth of feeds. He's done one half a night and for a few days while he was on paternity he took LO in the morning so I could sleep in.

Now he's back at work. I don't expect him to do the nightfeeds whilst he's working but thought it would be nice if he did one night once a week, maybe on a Friday. This hasn't happened.

Last night, (Saturday) I was so utterly exhausted I struggled to hear my LO crying in the night and he was literally right next to me. DH heard him and just kept nudging me throughout the night to get me to wake up. I also a dodgy belly in the night and was sat in the toilet for god knows how long.

We were supposed to be visiting family this morning. All of us. DH literally couldn't wake me up this morning. He went downstairs with LO at 8:30am and was trying to wake me up for an hour and a half. Bearing in mind we were supposed to be leaving at 10am. I didn't go in the end because I didn't have time to get ready and I still had a poorly tummy. So DH went with LO without me. They were gone 2-3 hours.

Tried talking to DH to explain that I feel like I'm not getting enough help and support from him and all he said was 'I gave you a lie in this morning and went out with LO to give you a break and that's you not getting enough help and support?!?'

Um. No. You didn't give me a lie in. I wouldn't wake up. You kept trying to wake me up because we were supposed to go out.

You didn't go out with Lo to specifically give me a break as we were all supposed to be going.

Just infuriated me.

There's so many other little things as well but this is so long already so if you managed to get to the end

Wtf. What's your phone got to do with anything.

Oh my, sounds like he's gearing himself up for tantrums at the weekend so that he can get out of doing the night feeds. No doubt your going to 'do' something that annoys/prevents him from possibly being able to do it now.

Stay alert OP.

@Teaandcrisps I'm not going to remind him of his promise to do two nights this weekend. I'll just wait and see if he does it or not.

You may well be right though...

So you're going to let him get away with it. You're your own worst enemy.

We did. Exh up to midnight and after 6 am. I did the rest. It wasn't fair as I was working too but it was a lot better than you are getting.

@Bluelady I just want to see if he will keep his promise without a reminder.

I figure if he genuinely gives a shit, I won't need to remind him.

Have read most of he thread and you've got some great comments but I'd like to add...

I rarely sleep when the baby does. Sadly he doesn't sleep much in the day. sad and when he does i always feel too guilty to sleep because there's always something that needs doing.

I know your LO is 7 weeks but that new baby energy will run out v soon and you NEED TO SLEEP during the day.

Douse yourself in lavender essenial oil, close the curtains, you've already got dinner in the freezer so SLEEP. Put the phone down and sleep!!!

Ear plugs in. Separate bedroom. Do it properly, not half arsed. Either you need the sleep or your being passive aggressive.

@applesisapple5 if I sleep in the day then literally nothing would get done.

Also LO doesn't sleep all that much in the day. Yesterday he wakes awake from 9:30am until 4pm. He He had round twenty minutes sleep in between that.

I rely heavily on caffeinated drinks.

Although, I have made one improvement. I used to get up every morning at 6am with DP and make his lunch and see him off to work, the past few days I've stayed sleeping until about 9:30 instead of getting up with DP. I've already premade his pasta for lunch though so all he has to do is chuck it in his bag and grab a couple of drinks to take.

Although, I have made one improvement. I used to get up every morning at 6am with DP and make his lunch and see him off to work, the past few days I've stayed sleeping until about 9:30 instead of getting up with DP. I've already premade his pasta for lunch though so all he has to do is chuck it in his bag and grab a couple of drinks to take.

GOOD!!! And your should be a No reason at all to feel embarrassed about putting yourself first, for once. He's obviously been putting himself first for years!

And what's this about your phone? Confiscate, my ass! Reach for my phone, you'll be pulling back a stub, Buddy! Who does he think he is, the headmaster?

The more I read, the sadder I feel for you. I'm worried that you say you have no friends. It also appears that your mum does not see his bad points. And now he is talking about taking your phone away. You seem to be becoming very isolated.

Lots of practical suggestions to help with your immediate problem, if he co-operates. But also please think very hard about your future and keep your job.

Holy crap.

He was pissed off because he had to do a night feed ... primarily because you are SOOO wiped out and exhausted from being on 24/7 that you didn't wake up quickly enough. And he's cross??? Fuck him. What a jackass.

If you were in the states or in a weaker financial position, you might already be back at work. Which would mean that you, too, would be a 'working' parent with a baby at home, who would still be waking up at night and needing feeds, changes and attention. And you would just get on with it. And cope. And manage to do your job. Just as he should be able to with the occasional broken night's sleep.

He's a selfish arse and you need to make it very clear that he needs to do more when he's at home. You shouldn't be 'on' 24/7 while he works 8-5 5 days a week and thinks he's done his share.

We both seem to be feeling pretty shit towards each other this evening apparently.

I told him never to threaten to confiscate my phone again in front of his children. I told him it was seriously out of order and now a whole discussion has been started about a whole host of issues we seem to have and I feel like bloody screaming. We are hitting brick wall after brick wall.

He said something like he wouldn't be stopping at the shop after work for me anymore when I ask. I said, fine, if that's how he's going to be I won't bother washing his clothes, cooking his dinner, making his lunch, etc. He said that was fine, he's perfectly happy and capable to do it himself and heck it would give me EVEN more time to sit around and now I'm bloody fuming. Clearly he takes for granted and doesn't appreciate a single thing I do and clearly thinks I'm sat on my arse all day.

He's happy and capable to do things yet has left everything to you.

@Tidy2018 if he actually did try and take my phone away that would be it for me. I'd just leave because that's a step too far. I'm just fuming he said it in front of his children. Spoke to me like I'm a child.

Yes, I haven't got any friends. The only person I see is my Mum or when we visit my partners family.

I do struggle to get out admittedly.

@BewareOfDragons I've tried explaining again tonight about him needing to do more - didn't even get that far. Instead it became a dig at me and I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say and now he doesn't want to talk anymore because he doesn't want me to accuse him of "nitpicking" again.

@safeea I told him last Sunday to bring his kids pjs downstairs and I'd wash them. They've sat on the landing all week as he still hasn't brought them downstairs to be washed. He got home from work tonight and quickly grabbed them and chucked them in the wash before he went to collect his children. Left it to the last minute. He ignored the other dirty washing that he could have chucked in the machine with the kids pjs and literally just washed their pjs. AND he was pissed off at me for refusing to pick them up off the landing and wash them.

He said that was fine, he's perfectly happy and capable to do it himself and heck it would give me EVEN more time to sit around and now I'm bloody fuming.

I'd throw that right back at him since it's obviously not true. He's pissed off that you didn't pick up dirty laundry of others off the floor and wash it ... but why should he be pissed off? He said he was capable of doing it himself so you wouldn't have to... and yet there it sat because he wasn't capable of actually doing it when it needed to be done.

As PP said the more I read the sadder I become...for you.
You're 22! Ok so you have a baby and Christ I remember how hard the newborn stage is and how o hated how DH breathed but your DP is just an arse, in every way. Sure he might have some redeeming features but doesn't a man show his true colours when he has relative power over a woman.
You need to make some friends and have a night or two with your mum's.
Please don't let this drag you down, you have you're whole life ahead of you.

Go and stay with your mum for a week at least if you can, you need sleep and support.

He can look after himself and his other children, they aren't your responsibility. It's Friday night, pack a bag and go.

I imagine he will be angry (how could you do this to us?), then threatening (I'll end it/won't marry you if you don't come back), then he will love bomb you to get you back (I'm so sorry, all my fault, let's choose a ring[wont happen], can't live with out you etc).

It's bullshit.

I hope you see him for what he really is. In your time of greatest need he has treated you like contemptible shit.

He's awful. Please put yourself and your child first. The longer you stay the worse it will get.

He deserves a medal
TWAT OF THE YEAR
I do not understand why you are with this wanker

Op my dp isn't great and it's not 50:50 at all and I'm exhusted, but he would never ever dream of behaving like this as he would get such a dressing down. He made jokes about me being on paid holiday and got such a dressing down that he regretted it! Babies are such hard work. Let him take a night , he won't die and he needs to pull his weight. Also do sleep in, my baby has stopped sleeping g in daytime and it's breaking me. Sleep in with yours until half nine, your mad not to!

@TheSeasonOfTheWitch I lied to him about something when I was pregnant and he found out and went absolutely mental. It was the first and only time I was actually genuinely a little bit scared. He called me every name under the sun. He had every right to be mad. I was in the wrong. Anyway, he told me then and there to pack my bags and leave. I was crying in our bedroom and he was downstairs with the kids. I apologised loads but still he told me leave. I didn't. Anyway the next morning he asked if was coming with them to visit his dad. I said I wasn't and stayed home. He texted me some shit and I told him I was going to leave as I couldn't deal with this and he said if I walked out that was that, I could never come back and I best say my goodbyes to his kids now, etc. So he went from telling me to leave to then saying if I did that it would be the end of us and I couldn't come back etc.

@BewareOfDragons he also told me in the same conversation that he didn't expect me to do dinner every night and he didn't mind doing the dinner some nights but also mentioned several times the fact that I didn't do dinner tonight.

He sounds a peach - not sure why you’re staying with him?