To be mad and disappointed with him

[hersandhis]

Basically we have a six week old. I'm on maternity leave. DH works 8-5 Mon-Fri.

He's never done an entire nights worth of feeds. He's done one half a night and for a few days while he was on paternity he took LO in the morning so I could sleep in.

Now he's back at work. I don't expect him to do the nightfeeds whilst he's working but thought it would be nice if he did one night once a week, maybe on a Friday. This hasn't happened.

Last night, (Saturday) I was so utterly exhausted I struggled to hear my LO crying in the night and he was literally right next to me. DH heard him and just kept nudging me throughout the night to get me to wake up. I also a dodgy belly in the night and was sat in the toilet for god knows how long.

We were supposed to be visiting family this morning. All of us. DH literally couldn't wake me up this morning. He went downstairs with LO at 8:30am and was trying to wake me up for an hour and a half. Bearing in mind we were supposed to be leaving at 10am. I didn't go in the end because I didn't have time to get ready and I still had a poorly tummy. So DH went with LO without me. They were gone 2-3 hours.

Tried talking to DH to explain that I feel like I'm not getting enough help and support from him and all he said was 'I gave you a lie in this morning and went out with LO to give you a break and that's you not getting enough help and support?!?'

Um. No. You didn't give me a lie in. I wouldn't wake up. You kept trying to wake me up because we were supposed to go out.

You didn't go out with Lo to specifically give me a break as we were all supposed to be going.

Just infuriated me.

There's so many other little things as well but this is so long already so if you managed to get to the end

We used to swap our night feeds so on Friday night if I was up during the night I would get a sleep in and dh would get Up with dc and on Saturday night dh would do night feeds and I would get up with dc in the morning it seemed to work well.

@User12879923378 At the weekends (Besides the night time feeds) we parent LO equally. Same as the weekdays when he gets back from work.

It's literally just the night feeds that he doesn't share and obviously 8-5 Mon-Fri when he's working.

Obviously that lack of sharing in the housework is an issue but I have no problems with how he shares the parenting. Besides the lack of nightfeeds he's very good with LO.

So you still want to marry a bloke who doesn't want to marry you, won't do his fair share of lifework and tells you to shut up when you try to have a mature conversation with him (because that's what his 'shh' was, it was STFU)? He will never change. Never. He will always feel hard done by and like pulling his weight is a hardship. Marrying him would be foolish. And so would not going back to work FT.

*Daily I do all the washing, hoovering, keeping the dishwasher loaded and emptied. Washing the baby's bottles, sterilising them. Making sure the toilets are clean.

Still feel like my house isn't clean enough as I haven't had time yet to properly clean. Just surface cleanStill feel like my house isn't clean enough as I haven't had time yet to properly clean. Just surface clean

You sound OTT with cleaning. You do not need to be hoovering every day.

He insists that he does care about me and that he does love me.

His actions absolutely scream that he does not love you. It doesn't sound like he gives a shit about you at all.

Reading your update since I posted before almost brought me to tears. I can understand how you got involved with him and how you didn't realise how unhealthy and abnormal this relationship was before.

He picked you as somebody much younger than him, embarking on their first relationship, and who would therefore be much easier to control, have next to no reference points for what a healthy relationship looks like, and would end up emotionally bonded to him like glue.

Please, please, please go on the Freedom Programme or do the online version. You can make up your own mind and come to your own decisions afterwards, but please just complete that course. If nothing else it will give you the knowledge you need to trust your own mind and your own judgement, which I can see you're struggling with after being undermined. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

When I first posted there were a few factors you'd mentioned that gave me a sinking feeling. Having read through all your posts since then there are numerous aspects of absolute textbook coercive control (domestic abuse) here.

The story he told you about how he was neglected and mistreated by his ex is pretty classic, for one. As you've commented yourself, what he described was actually how he behaves. Almost all abusers come with a sob story about their horrible ex. It makes us feel sorry for them and overlook early warning signs ("oh, it's just because he was hurt before...").

The lack of violence is irrelevant - abusers only use violence when all their other tactics to maintain control of us have been unsuccessful. His are working.

I don't hate him, nor do I think he's a monster - there's no such thing. No abusive man would ever get close enough to a woman to abuse her if they all started out as monsters 24/7 from day one. But his behaviour towards you is abusive. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. You can't change him. There is nothing you could do to be perfect enough to get him to treat you differently.

It will most likely get worse as he grows more confident he's got you well and truly trapped, and that you'll never leave no matter how vile he is. (That's why he got worse after the baby arrived - he thinks you'll never leave now.)

Nobody will judge you, nor will they tell you to leave him. That has to be your decision. They just want you to have information to understand what's going on and what a healthy relationship should look like: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Warn him that whatever work he's expecting of you now, will be expected of him when he starts his parental leave. I assume he's taking some parental leave since he's the one who was so keen to start ttc?

Regardless, you need to stop being so passive in your relationship. Babies are a huge amount of work. You've taken on all of it, and he's picking and choosing small bits of it. Plus he's pushed all his housework onto you. Passive isn't going to work - you need to approach this head-on:

• Propose if you want to.
• Stop hinting about what you'd like him to do overnight and agree a proper rota. How does he think it's fair to share the weekend lie-ins? One each? So does he agree that whoever is on night-time duty gets a morning lie-in?
• Agree that you look after baby while he's at work. You'll also get as much housework done in that time as baby allows. Everything outside of his work+commute time is shared - childcare / household chores, the lot.
• Stop making his work lunches for him. Is he not capable of doing it himself? Does he make yours for you?
• Let him find out how tiring it is to look after a baby all day. Go away for a day and leave baby with him. Better still, go away for a weekend.

It's still early days. Whatever you do, don't let him continue to opt-out, or you'll find yourself doing it all even when (if?) you go back to work.

Yeah, @hersandhis, if my DH 'shushed' me like that it would probably be the last thing he ever did. Or at the very least, it'd be the last he'd see of me. But my DC are grown and I'm too old to put up with bullshit from anyone. Getting older has its benefits!

Ok, I think you need to think VERY CAREFULLY about your position. As a SAHM you are in a very weak position financially and 'strategically'.

As an unmarried woman, you have no legal rights over any asset that does not have your name on it. That includes the house in which you live (if it is in his sole name). The only thing you would walk away with would be child maintenance. It also puts you in the position of being financially controlled or 'punished' by the withholding of money.

This also puts you in a very weak position as far as negotiations go. As a SAHM you really don't have a bargaining chip as far as threatening to leave to get his attention. When DH and I went through a rough patch and I told him if he didn't straighten up I was leaving with the DSs, he knew that I had the money to do it as I worked full time and could have easily afforded to support a household on my own earnings. DH straightened up. If I had been a SAHM, I wouldn't have had that leverage.

And don't think for a second that your DP doesn't know all this. Most men do. Why do you think he is so reluctant to marry you? I'm not saying all men are like this, but I think an alarming number of them are.

To be fair, those would be main reasons why I will never remarry if I were to become single. Keeping control off my assets and being able to live my life just as I want to. There's nothing wrong with that as long as both people are on the same page with it and there are no young children involved.

I'm not telling you what to do. The choice to stay home or return to work is very individual and to be made by each of us based on our situation and our feelings. I'm just saying to think very carefully about the ramifications of either choice. Stay home and be financially vulnerable and subject to economic control or return to work and the likelihood is that he won't lift a finger in the home duties department anyway.

@AcrossthePond55

We rent our home anyway so I don't think that would be too problematic in the event of a split.

I'm on maternity leave and if viable I will be returning to work. Well I hope so anyway.

@LannieDuck He has had his leave. He was off for the first four weeks.

I'm on maternity leave and if viable I will be returning to work. Well I hope so anyway.

It's vital that you don't give up FT work to be dependent on a person who has shown you he has no respect for you. I'm still amazed you want to marry him. But he chose you well, he picked out a much younger, vulnerable person with no experience who will put up with his shit until she gets old enough for the scales to fall from her eyes and dump him the way his ex did. But in that case you need to be able to support yourself.

@skodadoda I only hoover daily the high traffic areas.

Upstairs barely gets hoovered once a week.

I do hoover the living room, kitchen and hallway daily though.

Kitchen because of food crumbs and hallway because we have cats and they just love running up and down, chasing each other, etc. Lots of hair!

I do admit I have high standards in regards to my home but since being pregnant and having LO I have already drastically reduced my cleaning and standards to boot.

@LeftRightCentre I've just had a serious chat with him.

He's apologised for not sharing night feeds and has said he will do two nights next weekend and after that at least one night every weekend.

I mentioned the shushing thing and he said he was half asleep when we started talking and could I remind him of the conversation. I did. He then apologised and said he does appreciate me.

I've mentioned stepping up around the house. He has said he will.

I remain skeptical to be honest as I have mentioned all these things before. I suppose if nothing changes after this I will probably have to consider my options.

I suppose I want to marry him a lot less now than I did a few years ago. I don't know, it's hard. I hate giving up and I desperately want him to change and make things work.

@AnoukSpirit thank you for taking the time to reply in such length with such care but in all honesty I'm not sure how to respond

Honestly id deck my dp if he dared to sushh me when I was talking to him. My dp made a joke about me being paid to be on holiday as on mat leave and I told him off. Honestly I'd rather go to work for the rest!!
In our house Dp can't help with feeds as bf but he does all the tidying around the house. I do all the cooking and load dishwasher. I vaccum once a week, bleach bathroom n kitchen and that's about it. We both take turns to do the clothes washing. Dp also has baby often while I shower/nap/cook.
Even at that with a colicky baby I struggle to clean or tidy sometimes as in exhusted. Your DP needs to man up and do his share, it is his baby and home. Also you need to give yourself a break, let the cleaning slip and sleep when baby sleeps. I fought it for a few weeks but felt so much better when I just gave in and napped with him in daytime.
I can't comment on your relationship as it's your choice but get some legal protection if your not married over your joint assets and make sure you can support you alone if needed when choosing rtw and hours etc.

AnoukSpirit has a point OP, Freedom lists types of abusers and I reckon you’ve just described one of them in talking about your DP.

He’s got an answer for everything hasn’t he? Can’t remember “big” conversations? Keeps repeating that he does listen, does respect you, even when his actions and words (shushing??? What the actual fuck?) continually show you that he does neither.

Oh he’s got you exactly where he wants you and no mistake!

You’re young, he’s your first relationship so you’ve no marker for what is and isn’t normal, and he knows it.

I married mine, I pray you don’t!

"he equally looks after LO at the weekend (Besides the night feeding) "

So he looks after him when he gets home from work for a few hours and at the weekend too? How much of a break do you want? I never had this with my three. You need to accept that parenthood is tough at times. It goes in phases. The rough, the smooth. Nobody said it's easy, did they???

OP my heart is breaking for you reading this thread. Please please listen to what anoukspirit has posted. I just knew from your earlier posts that you would be very young and him alot older. He is a complete cunt and when you hopefully get away from him you'll look back and realise what a lucky escape it was for him not to marry you. What do your parents and friends think of him?

He sounds a prize twat - Id leave him

....and yet in approx 2 years, you will go on to have DC2 with this prize of a man.

....and yet in approx 2 years, you will go on to have DC2 with this prize of a man.

Yep, and the usual 'I quit working after DC1 to be a SAHM to DP' and it's gone tits up and she's wondering about benefits. SO many women sleepwalk into this set up, knowing that you have no rights as an unmarried partner. You can already see it in her post about going to back to work 'if it's viable'. You can't afford not to go to work if you're an unmarried partner.

There's a thread in relationships now called 'I'm pregnant and he's throwing me out,' OP. Read it and let that be a lesson to you.

@Unfinishedkitchen @LeftRightCentre

There won't be a DC2.

I'm also lucky to be in a position where if me and DP split i would be fine.

Probably better off than now

Especially if I return to work which I do have every intention of doing so

@XiCi My Mum loves him when I do and then dislikes him when I moan about him.

I don't have any friends so can't comment on that.

Well, OK then. I believe in giving second chances, ONCE. He's talked the talk, let's see if he will walk the walk for more than just next weekend. They all straighten up and fly right when they've had the fear of God put into them. But it usually peters out or you have to nag at them to get them to follow through.

So what did he promise? No more shushing (i.e. will listen). Will do at least one night feed per week; you need to nail down which night you want. Will 'help out' more around the house; you really need to nail this one down: exactly what do you want him to do? Because if you don't, he'll waft about the house ineffectually flapping his mitts and say "But you didn't tell me what to do!!!" or he'll pick some minor chore and point and say "See how I'm helping!".

I'd also suggest that he bathe the baby and do the nighttime routine at least once a week in addition to the night feed. It gives you a break AND is good bonding time for them.

hersandhis the usual MN assumptions are definitely at play here. I’ve had the same lecture about being an unmarried Mum, yet actually I own all our assets outright (inheritance) and have more savings in my own name.

Tell him, don't ask or hint. You shouldn't have to but some like your husband are very selfish. Adopt the method my friend did when her OH nudged her on all the weekend nights, kick the idiot out of bed and tell him to move his arse not his elbow.

Sadly though it sounds though you have a massive partner problem with selfishness and poor behaviour and attitude.