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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

316 replies

Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:23

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

OP posts:

LavenderDoll · 19/08/2018 11:54

It's a year away
The children are invited
You can keep them off school
Stop making it all so dramatic

I doubt you or your children featured in the decision making process 're dates

Momo27 · 19/08/2018 11:57

I call BS! So many inconsistencies in the OPs posts.

But if by some remote chance this is all true.. just take the kids out of school for the day whether authorised or not, enjoy the whole damn shindig and your overnight hotel stay,
OR
Go to the actual ceremony (which after all is the most important part) travelling there and back within school hours. No disruption to the kids’ routine, no hotel costs, no worry about preparing your kids to be babysat.

It’s really that’s simple.

And whether your cousin wants to have children of her own or not is a total irrelevance. I’m beginning to wonder though whether it’s no coincidence that her ‘maternal’ side doesn’t show itself when she’s in the OPs company... OP sounds really hard work - I can understand anyone not appearing overly keen to have kids if they think it makes you totally self absorbed

Guienne · 19/08/2018 11:58

Just a thought - does your child with SN have a TA in school? Might that person be prepared to babysit? It would obviously carry the advantage that it's someone your child knows well and is presumably reasonably trustworthy.

Skyeliu · 19/08/2018 11:58

I am not from here but I have been living in the UK for more than 10 years now. I still find it very strange why the bride's father should pay for the wedding (ppl seem to still expect this) and then his daughter takes her husband's surname? Very strange to me. The wedding cost should be shared by both parties (husband and wife to be or both of their families)? Sorry to moan about it but I just find it a very odd custom. I am from a country where the women don't take the husband's surname and the wedding cost is normally shared by both families.

HoppingPavlova · 19/08/2018 12:00

You have an invite. The children have an invite. You have over a year’s notice. The rest of your immediate family will be there and I’m guessing are happy to assist you with the kids if need be ? The kids will be 5yo and 7yo at the time. Take a day off, cop a fine if necessary, it’s a wedding of a close family member ffs.

3stonedown · 19/08/2018 12:03

I don't think she did to to exclude children, but if she did that's perfectly ok as it's her (and husband/wife to be) day.

I know someone who had a very large wedding budget but had to do a Friday and there is no availability in any of the popular wedding venues in our area for at least 18 months.

RiverTam · 19/08/2018 12:10

I think it would be worth trying to get someone else involved in your son’s care as you never know when other situations might come up where you need to leave him.

But it’s a year away, she and her DFiance have given everyone plenty of time to make arrangements. Even with your son’s needs I think you’re being a little silly.

PlasWedding · 19/08/2018 12:12

We decided for a Friday wedding because it was literally half the price of a Saturday one.

The world doesn't revolve around your DC.

Raven88 · 19/08/2018 12:14

Maybe she is infertile so doesn't show an interest in children because it's difficult. I used to do that when I thought I was.

MarthasGinYard · 19/08/2018 12:14

'Not really sure what I have to be so "grateful" about?? A wedding invite isn't a massive gift/gesture to me? '

Why doesn't that surprise me

Somehow I'm not sure you'd be too....missed.

Kleinzeit · 19/08/2018 12:15

OK, you came here to ask opinions about your cousin instead of moaning in real life. But it still sounds as if you wanted us to blame your cousin. And there's a difference between moaning and problem solving. Some of us picked up that there's a real problem and I'm sorry if the solutions we've suggested are useless, we could only guess what issues your DS has and what the solutions might be. But this big problem has nothing to do with what you asked for opinions about, which was your cousin's attitude to children at her wedding.

As a parent of a child with (very different) SN I do feel your pain, but if you didn't specifically tell your cousin that you can only come to a weekend wedding or that a weekday would be so very much harder then I wouldn't expect a woman who doesn't have similar children to just know that. I really don't think she purposely picked a day you and/or your children couldn't go.

Etino · 19/08/2018 12:19

Don’t go to the Wedding. Certainly mentally say to yourself you’re not going and stop thinking about it.
But do do something about your support networks. You certainly don’t feel supported even if they are adequate, so expand and improve them.

Hayles88 · 19/08/2018 12:19

Oh OP just do the bride and groom a massive favour and don't go. You obviously don't want to, but surprisingly it's not all about you.

This!

OP do not go. They don't need your entitled arse ruining their wedding. There's so many solutions to this, you're just in a strop because it doesn't fit in with your snowflakes.

Cornishclio · 19/08/2018 12:23

For a wedding take the kids out of school. It is not going to hurt for one day and fines wont kick in just for that. Don't ask permission just do it. You have over a year if you don't want to take the kids out of school and having a back up babysitter rather than your DM is a good idea. What about their other grandparents or don't you get on with them either?

FatCow2018 · 19/08/2018 12:24

Jesus you sound ridiculously difficult OP! Its one sodding day of school, either keep them off and go, or don't. It really is as simple as that.

Do you often turn everything into a drama and make it all about you??

InMySpareTime · 19/08/2018 12:33

If you take the kids out of school just after afternoon registration, it doesn't even count as an absence. Take them out of school at 1.05 (or whatever), party clothes in the car, hotfoot it down to the wedding.
Simples.

MrsChollySawcutt · 19/08/2018 12:35

What a mean spirited post OP.

It is absolutely none of your business whether the bride wants children or not. She doesn't have to have a family if she doesn't want to and anyway what the hell has any of that got to do with the date of her wedding?

As for the rest, it's not about you. I'm sure one guest or another would have an issue with any given date. Are the bride and from supposed to poll the guests first for a suitable date.

You and your DC are invited. You either accept or decline gracefully if you can't go.

RachelAnneJ · 19/08/2018 12:41

You think they set a weekday wedding to avoid your DC, yet they have invited them?

You are obviously just pissed off that they didn't choose a day that suited you rather than them.

Just don't go. People invite others to their wedding to celebrate with them. You seem determined to turn it into a huge (completely non existent) challenge (that's all about making your life difficult).

Look for the solution not the problem.

Fireworks91 · 19/08/2018 12:44

Fuck me, does the world revolve around you?

mantlepiece · 19/08/2018 12:45

Like a previous poster I read between the lines that you don’t want to take the children. You want the wedding to be on a Saturday so their Dad can look after them while you have a weekend away with the grownups!

Nothing wrong with that at all, but that’s why your moans about your cousin don’t make sense.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/08/2018 12:45

If she and her fiancé don't have children it won't even have occurred to them. And the school is very unlikely to impose sanctions if its one day off for a family wedding, assuming your DC have a good attendance record otherwise.

mamalovebird · 19/08/2018 12:49

We grew up together and the family is very close

Well then, can't you just have a conversation directly with her about it instead of creating imaginary reasons for her decisions?

In a setting of largely family, and the ones feeling comfortable and safe with I know my children would enjoy the day so don't try commenting on what is best for them

Then take the DC, enjoy the day and celebrate. It's really not more complicated than that. One Friday, 14 months away is really not worth this much angst. The school will be fine, you'll be fine, the kids will be fine.

Alternatively, if you'd rather go on your own......I know you & XH aren't on good terms but if he won't arrange a day off to have them then what about his parents, seeing as yours will be at the wedding?

Or, if you spoke to your DC's health care professionals, they could help you arrange some sort of care for him, given that it's so far in advance)

There are lots of ways to sort this situation.

30hours · 19/08/2018 12:50

You can’t pay for a baby sitter between you and your ex?

VladmirsPoutine · 19/08/2018 12:51

I've only read the first 3 pages but have reached the conclusion that you are being unreasonable. Your dc are invited and you're taking issue with everything. Just don't go - from the way you've built this up in your mind you'll probably feel quite aggrieved when there so you'd be doing everyone including you a favour by just not going.

Tippexy · 19/08/2018 12:53

Your children are invited

I've said it five times in bold because I don't think you seem to realise this.. instead you keep bleating on about whether the bride likes and/or wants children!

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