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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

316 replies

Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:23

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 10:57

This is the crux of it really. It’s doable, but very inconvenient for you. If it was your wedding (or maybe a sibling’s?) you would do this. And if it was your wedding (or maybe a sibling’s?) then you’d go to the effort to include your children.

If it were mine or a siblings wedding though this wouldn't happen in the first place though would it. But if a sibling had booked it in the same way I equally wouldn't go to that much trouble and anxiety for our family to attend as it just wouldn't be worth it as we could celebrate/catch up with them in another way.

OP posts:
confusedmummy76 · 19/08/2018 11:01

Mountain out of a mole hill. You are invited and the kids are invited. As a PP stated three obviously choices. Chose one and get on with it

Momo27 · 19/08/2018 11:03

Why would you want to put your ds through the whole thing when from your posts it’s clear he has extremely high anxiety and would need weekly sessions with a professional for over a year in order to prepare him for being babysat?

A day which doesn’t conform to any normal routine, attending a ceremony where children need to be well behaved and quiet, amongst loads of strangers, probably quite noisy at times and then topped off with a night in an unfamiliar hotel ... sounds extremely stressful for a child with SEND.

I really don’t get why you ever thought it would be a good idea to take your children

happypoobum · 19/08/2018 11:04

You sound like really hard work OP.

parklives · 19/08/2018 11:06

You are seeing problems when they don't exist op.
Your cousin can marry which ever day she likes.
You are one guest out of how many?
Stop trying to find insult when there isn't any
Have you ever organised a wedding? If you had I don't think you would have written this post.
Grow up.

AlansLeftMoob · 19/08/2018 11:08

It's her wedding day. Her and her DP. Their choice. Their day. Their celebration. They are going to invite you to be a part of it. Saying things like "she's not maternal" or "she would need it to happen fairly soon" - you have no idea whether or not she has had issues with fertility or if she even wants children. Coming at it from that angle is a really, really shitty thing to do.

All throughout planning my wedding I dealt with family members like you - the date doesn't suit, the venue doesn't suit, the main course choices don't suit, the church doesn't suit - with all due respect, if you have childcare issues because someone else is getting married - tough. It's up to you to work that out. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to organise something, you have THIRTEEN MONTHS.

"you couldn't book a day off with school" - I don't live in the UK but are you telling me that children aren't allowed a day off? What happens if someone dies?! Or if someone's sick?! Or if they have an appointment?! Are you not just allowed to ring a school and say "sorry, my children won't be in today" - what?!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 19/08/2018 11:08

I'd just call in sick. So what if the dc mention it.
A. It could have been over the weekend itself and the children genuinely ill on the Friday but ok for a Saturday wedding.
B. It doesn't really matter if the teacher and head teacher know what you've done. Most of them would probably do the same in your situation and even if they wouldn't, so what? Your children are very young. It would be different in their exam years.

Kleinzeit · 19/08/2018 11:09

PS if you do try to find a sitter then have a couple of short sessions before doing a late-night or overnight one. Otherwise your DC may find it overwhelming and believe that a babysitting sessions always means overnight and then be resistant to any babysitting altogether.

Languageofkindness · 19/08/2018 11:10

If you wanted to go you would go, it really is that simple, the absolute worst the school will do is fine you but even that is unlikely for a day. If you don’t want to go then don’t go.

pictish · 19/08/2018 11:12

Alan - everything you said.

What a lot of self-centred carry on over nothing.

NorthernSpirit · 19/08/2018 11:13

I really feel gorcyour cousin. She’s invited you & your children to her wedding yet you are moaning about it (when you have plenty of time to sort yourself out). Why are you so entitled and ungrateful?

As for the comment about her having children in her late 30’s - nothing to do with you (what a bitchy comment).

Personally i’d uninvited you. You are ungrateful and sound hard work.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 11:13

If it were mine or a siblings wedding though this wouldn't happen in the first place though would it.

That was my point; you would make sure your dcs could attend, as would your sibling. But you aren’t THAT important to this wedding, just as I’m guessing this wedding isn’t THAT important to you, as you’ve said you could do it but don’t want to go to the effort or expense.

NewSparkle · 19/08/2018 11:14

I got married on a Friday. Not because it was cheaper because where I live Friday is premium like Saturday but because it was our day & we wanted a weekend to celebrate. My friends/cousins all have kids (I don’t) and to be honest school never entered my head. They made arrangements as they had 2 years notice & all came (I didn’t invite any kids). Others couldn’t come for many diff reasons and that was fine too.
I really think you’re taking the Friday thing too personally, if she doesn’t have kids she wouldn’t even think of their needs unintentionally. if she took everyone’s opinion on board no date would suit.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 19/08/2018 11:15

You’re really just looking for problems. FWIW I work in a school office and work with absences and I assure you we really don’t care if you take one day unauthorised absence for a wedding. In fact there is no point requesting it this academic year as the registers and diaries will not be set up for 2019-2020. I’ve never had anyone request one day off a year in advance, that is ridiculous.

Just take the children and go, you’re all invited.

^^
This

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 11:29

I really feel gorcyour cousin. She’s invited you & your children to her wedding yet you are moaning about it (when you have plenty of time to sort yourself out). Why are you so entitled and ungrateful?

Not really sure what I have to be so "grateful" about?? A wedding invite isn't a massive gift/gesture to me? You get engaged, want to get married plan the day and invite friends and family, some will come and some won't be able to make it, probably more so if on a weekday.

It's not very easy for me to attend, so it has caused some stress and upset but I haven't moaned to her or even said anything to anyone in the family other than using an anonymous platform to ask opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 11:32

In relation to my DC's disability, with respect no child with additional needs is the same. A lot of the anxiety is in relation to the medical side of things than mentally, as they have been through a lot of medical intervention so for them to feel comfortable with someone else taking over the medical side we would all need to know this person quite well.

In a setting of largely family, and the ones feeling comfortable and safe with I know my children would enjoy the day so don't try commenting on what is best for them.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/08/2018 11:34

Jesus, if the invitation to a wedding a full year away is causing you “stress and upset”, just decline Confused

StoatOfManyColours · 19/08/2018 11:34

So if it's not that big a deal why are you upset about it? Why have stress and upset about a cousin's wedding over a year away?

JUST DON'T GO.

Rebecca36 · 19/08/2018 11:36

She may have had really good reasons for changing the day, for a start reception venues, caterers etc are a lot cheaper on weekdays. It's a good idea to get wed during the week for that reason alone but there may be other reasons.

Your children are very young, you could take them out of school for one day, it wouldn't hurt them.

Though she may say atm that she isn't keen on the idea of having children, she may well change her mind. Plenty do.

Please try not to be so sensitive about this issue, go to wedding and enjoy.

PositiveVibez · 19/08/2018 11:37

Oh. My. God. Just don't go!!!! Issue solved. Talk about being dramatic. You can either make it, or you can't. No big deal.

Bezm · 19/08/2018 11:38

I think I know what's happening here.
OP wants to go to the wedding without her children. If she wanted them to go, she would be delighted that it's on a Friday, aa if it had been on a Saturday they would not be able to go as they would be with their dad. There isn't anyone else to have them as they will all be at the wedding. If ex won't have them, she can't go. The school permission thing is a red herring. If the school won't authorise the day off, which in my school they would, then they won't lock them in school to prevent them being off! It's just unauthorised.
There is absolutely no reason for not going to the wedding. The children are invited, you're invited, job done!

adoggymama · 19/08/2018 11:39

Find a babysitter between now and then? There are plenty who will care for your children all day and late at night for a wedding. I'm one!

RedDwarves · 19/08/2018 11:40

Most people here get married on a Friday because it's a lot cheaper. I'd be confident that they are doing it for the same reason. Don't be so self-involved as to assume that it's because they don't want you/your children there.

SilverySurfer · 19/08/2018 11:43

YABU. Regardless of what you think, the only relevant fact is that it's their wedding so their choice of date. You have received the invitation and all you have to do is RSVP Yes or No. Moaning about it won't achieve anything.

Aridane · 19/08/2018 11:53

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!