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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

316 replies

Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:23

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

OP posts:
Ninjamilo · 20/08/2018 19:32

You sound like very hard work tbh.

We booked our wedding for a Friday - turned out it was the day nephew had a GCSE. He arranged to take it earlier in the morning and a friend picked him up and travelled the 3 hours to our venue with him.

Everyone else took their kids out of school for the Thursday and Friday and not one person complained.

We invited 110 people - not one declined due to the kids or work.

Your kids are so young they’d be missing sod all for the sake of a day.

It sounds like you’re trying to make excuses and that you don’t actually want to go.

NotBeforeCoffee · 20/08/2018 20:31

If they don’t want children at the wedding they can just stipulate that on the invite no need to change the day. Maybe they just want a Friday wedding

Bella898 · 20/08/2018 21:05

I got married on a Friday because it was cheaper and meant close friends could stay a 2nd night if they wanted.
Literally never crossed my mind whether this would put out people with kids but they were invited anyway.

Bella898 · 20/08/2018 21:19

Lol Grin I just noticed your username is weddingproblems

slashlover · 20/08/2018 22:31

It's also possible the date has some significance for them - anniversary of their first date etc.

browneyes77 · 20/08/2018 22:57

I can see where you’re coming from OP.

What you’re saying is that your cousin has made comments prior to her wedding about not wanting children there. So the fact that she has arranged it for a weekday knowing that many people with children might find that difficult, makes you wonder if it’s been done on purpose. So your question is basically; has she put children can come on the invites so she doesn’t look bad for openly not inviting them, but has then purposely chosen a day when she knows the parents would struggle to attend with their children? Therefore weeding them out naturally rather than just not inviting them.

If you wanted to go on your own, you have no other options of childcare as your ex is an arse, all of your family who would usually help will be at the wedding and it’s not possible for you to get a babysitter due to one child’s medical needs.

I think you have three options:

  1. Just bite the bullet and take the kids out of school and take them with you. School may not like it but can’t do much about it. Ask the school first (as some have said it may be half term that week so you may get lucky), see what they say. If you don’t ask you don’t get. Don’t assume you know what they’ll say, they could surprise you.

  2. Do your own suggestion of just going to the day do and coming home to pick them up from school if it’s doable.

  3. Don’t go at all. If it’s too much of an inconvenience and stress for you, then whilst it’s upsetting you can’t be there, maybe you just have to accept it’s not going to happen.

I think they are your only feasible options.

pollymere · 20/08/2018 23:53

Despite your hesitation, I've had a similar problem with a funeral and it turned out fine. There was no way I could do funeral and school run. School is ultra strict about absences but actually gave my dd an authorized absence for it. Explain to the school that you need to attend close relative wedding and will need to take dc with you. You won't get fined even if you an unauthorized one as the school usually ignore these types of absence.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/08/2018 00:23

Fgs, just take them out of school for a day. Ask for it, and if you're turned down, just go anyway. Or phone them in sick. Even if they suspect you're lying, they can't do a thing about it.

I'm a teacher, and I don't think I've had a full class for the whole of this last term, due to at least one child being away on a jolly - and one memorable week I had three out. No fines. Some kids have taken multiple weeks out this year with no fines incurred. Trust me, there are an awful lot of people who couldn't give a fuck, so you really are over-thinking one day.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/08/2018 00:52

Actually, you don't even need to ask for it. Just write in, saying "Timmy and Billy won't be in school on Friday as we are attending a family wedding."

Lavende · 21/08/2018 01:03

Jesus wept. It’s a year away. The kids are on the invite. Just don’t send them to school that day. You’re not going to have the head teacher knocking your door down for one demanding to know where they were. Maybe you’ll get fined? Maybe you won’t? Either way I can’t see what the problem is honestly. If the wedding is that important to you then you’ll find a way to go.

ittakes2 · 21/08/2018 03:58

At 6 & 4 missing a day of school is no big deal. Alternatively, hire a baby sitter and do a trial run before wedding. Regardless of wedding it’s helpful to have someone you trust with your kids so you can attend important events.

Grasslands · 21/08/2018 04:09

i love a classy black tie friday night wedding. ahhhhh the possibility of tops and tails :)

barefootinkitchen · 21/08/2018 05:03

I think you can let your kids have a day off for a family wedding . We’re going to one soon on a Friday . That thought would never enter my head.

AllDayBreakfast · 21/08/2018 05:09

I can empathise with not wanting children there much as I'm like them. I'll never forget the wedding i went to where a little boy loudly announced "I need a poo" just as the vows were being taken. It's clearly audible on the video lol.

AllDayBreakfast · 21/08/2018 05:10

"Much as I like them" that should've read...

scarbados · 21/08/2018 06:47

We chose our wedding date, venue and everything else as WE wanted because it was OUR wedding. Yes, we were happy that some family and friends attended but we can live quite happily with the fact that some either weren't able to or chose not to. We were arranging our wedding, not a big family party that needed the approval of a majority of those invited.

Invitees who whine that the arrangements don't exactly meet their expectations or sense of entitlement are the ones who ABU.

Teacher22 · 21/08/2018 07:04

Wealthy people are rich because they do not waste money. Friday weddings are significantly cheaper than Saturday ceremonies and I imagine this is the reason for your cousin choosing this day.

Pay someone to pick up the children from school and babysit them and go to the wedding. Or take the children and pay the school fine. Don’t spoil a joyous occasion by taking offence that clearly was not meant.

mumknowsbest47 · 21/08/2018 07:14

YABU and you are also over reacting and causing unnecessary drama. Its their wedding, it’s their choice. They have invited you and DC. Pretty sure they would not be totally devastated if you decide not to go anyway. However the easiest way is to have a sickie from school and then you can all go. It doesn’t matter if DC mentions it on the Monday during “what did you do at the weekend” talk. It could have been the Saturday and DC would have been better by then. But in any case most people throw a sickie from school at some time, nobody cares and it will all be forgotten by the Tuesday. Stop creating, and start planning your outfit!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 21/08/2018 07:55

Not rtft but surely if the kids are at school there is someone they can go to play with together or separately as a one off? If not then get cracking with making some school friends in September!

Ninabean17 · 21/08/2018 08:11

Hopefully by now you've realised you're being entirely unreasonable. This wedding is not being revolved around your children. It's your cousins day, if you want to go then go. They shouldn't have to work their wedding around each guest and possible term dates.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 21/08/2018 08:31

I got married on a Friday, I didn’t take anyone else into consideration. 3 of my friends are teachers, didn’t even enter my head that they may not be able to attend (they did attend). I invited relatives and their children, some from far away, again they all attended. You have plenty of time to organise things op.

Icantgetnosleep000 · 21/08/2018 08:53

surely the most straightforward explanation is the most likely.

I'm assuming she hadn't booked the venue when she told you original date? And then she discovered it was only free on the Friday (+/- the fact that it's cheaper).

I can't imagine someone booking a venue and THEN changing the day.

In addition, it's very easy and common for people to request child free weddings on invites. And fair, might I add. So why would she go out of her way to do such an obscure thing instead? My previously child free self wouldn't have even understood the implications of a weekday wedding with regards to childcare. I might have even thought it would be easier for the parents as they're in school the majority of the day! People without kids often don't understand the realities of childcare etc.

So, unless there's more to it, I'd suggest YABU for saying she's doing this to avoid children at the wedding. It's not all about you (in the nicest possible way).

YANBU at being upset you can't go Flowers

Icanttakemuchmore · 21/08/2018 09:46

Sorry nrtft. Gas she actually lky said no children? Could the children not accompany you to the weeding? It's just a one off if the children don't have any other time off school.

Icanttakemuchmore · 21/08/2018 09:46

That should say 'has she actually said'

Weddingwhingefighter · 21/08/2018 09:53

Yes. YABU!!!! Massively.
im so sick of people moaning about how others want to do there weddings.
The couple didn't book there wedding on the basis of whether you could or couldn't make it. there was no 'HA, were having a Friday wedding to keep kids away - HAVE THAT" moment.

Friday is generally cheaper anyway, but no so much nowadays as wedding venues have cottoned on to this.
If they are anything like my DH and i and the sole reason for booking a Friday wedding was so everyone could get blind drunk, party all night, not have work in the morning and have 2 whole days to recover from the hangover.
the no children thing was because we don't have children, the venue preferred no children, and we didn't want screaming kids during the ceremony or any running riot.

You invite people you would like there and if they cant come then never mind.
if a guest really really wanted to go to the wedding, they would do what they could to make it.
It is one day out of your whole entire life you need to dedicate to someone else's happiness and you were privileged enough to be on the shortlist of guests they wanted to share their special day with.
if you cant find the means of making it to the wedding that its your loss, not theirs.