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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

316 replies

Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:23

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 19/08/2018 12:54

So, erm, don't go. It won't ruin her day if you're not there.

Tippexy · 19/08/2018 12:59

You don't want to go to the wedding because you feel it inconveniences you, and you hoped you'd have a thread full of people on your side, agreeing with you that the bride is being a horrible selfish cow, so that you could cancel safe in the knowledge that you were in the right.

It hasn't really worked out like that though, has it?

OrcinusOrca · 19/08/2018 13:01

We got married on a Friday because everywhere is much quieter. The locations for our ceremony, where we lived etc were always full of hustle and bustle on a Saturday with more people about gawping and we didn't want that, so we chose a Friday. It was much easier for people coming from afar as the roads were much quieter.

WhyAreWeddingsSoAwks · 19/08/2018 13:02

Turns out my cousin is quite like you.

A years notice, kids invited, it’s a Friday but as it’s half term here I didn’t realise it wouldn’t be there...

She accepted and later found all manner of reasons why it was just too difficult. Including the impact it might have on her DCs progress!!! (one day in October Grin and I’m a teacher... lol)

I went to her wedding far away from my home, I went to her kids first birthdays etc, I visited them and they never visited me.

It just tells me that I’m not high enough on her priorities to overcome the difficulties. Which is fine because now I know that we’re not “close” at all. Wink

HarperIsBazaar · 19/08/2018 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moredoll · 19/08/2018 13:53

Accept the invitation on behalf of your children and yourself and stay overnight in a hotel. Presumably members of your family who live locally to you will also be doing this and you can take it in shifts to sit with the children.
OR
Decline the invitation on behalf of your children and arrange a trusted babysitter. Would one of the Teaching Assistants at the school be willing to babysit?
OR
Just go to the ceremony alone and rush home.

Those are the choices. It's your cousin's day.

parklives · 19/08/2018 13:56

Op is going to be back sometime before the wedding pissed off the the bride is going to wear a white dress and that's exactly what the op was going to wear! Grin

HelpmeobiMN · 19/08/2018 14:00

There could be a lot of reasons why she didn’t have a Saturday wedding but even if it was to avoid kids, that’s still her choice. Some people really get the hump when their kids aren’t invited to things so she might have been trying to avoid that.

If the wedding is this October or next (I assume it’s next) you have loads of time to sort childcare. It doesn’t have to be a family member - you could get a childminder or ask your kids’ friends’ parents if they could sleep over (with you offering to return the favour one day obviously).

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/08/2018 14:52

YANBU OP. Your cousin clearly hates children and has deliberately organised her wedding to exclude your DCs because she hates your children most of all.

Punch her in the face OP, she totally deserves it.

Justabadwife · 19/08/2018 14:57

I'm not seeing the issue.
The kids are invited, you're being difficult!
It's one day off school.
Suck it up.
Either go and don't moan about the DC having the day off.
Or don't go, But don't piss and moan about the DC not being invited and the B&G not liking kids.

pouraglasshalffull · 19/08/2018 15:01

Just take them out of school for 1 day for gods sake its not that big of a deal. Whats the difference between it being authorised and unauthorised? Nothing, just your own need to not break the rules. Especially in October they won't be missing anything major. Your cousin can have her wedding on any day she pleases, if your not that bothered about going to arrange other childcare or take your children out of school that's your problem not hers.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/08/2018 15:29

@HarperIsBazaar I've nothing to comment on your post but your NN is wonderful Grin I do love a good user name!

00100001 · 20/08/2018 07:43

This thread is AMAZING!

apriljune12 · 20/08/2018 07:49

Have I missed something? The wedding is next year and the kids are invited yes?

So what’s the aibu?

OutPinked · 20/08/2018 08:19

It’s over a year away (!)

You have a few options really.

  1. Call in sick for the DC on the Friday. If they tell everyone at school then so what, what do you think will happen to you exactly? They can’t fine you for one day off.

  2. arrange childcare between now and October NEXT YEAR. I’m sure you will find someone, even if it’s your exH who has more than enough time to get it off work.

  3. don’t go.

ShatnersWig · 20/08/2018 08:32

Most obtuse OP I've read in a while.

slashlover · 20/08/2018 10:43

Maybe she actually really, REALLY wants your kids there?

As far as she's aware, your kids go to their dads on the Saturday and he can't really be flexible with days. Maybe she thought there would be a better chance of them being able to come on a Friday as it wouldn't disrupt their schedule with their dad?

Also, with so much notice it will be in next years holiday allocation for everyone and is very unlikely that it will be fully booked if people request it now.

runningkeenster · 20/08/2018 10:51

his response was that it was "my day" so nothing to do with him and up to me to arrange my own "problems". I can't see him being co-operative with this

The kids are his, too. You don't ask him, you tell him he's having them and he needs to take the day off work. Nothing to do with doing you a favour and everything with taking responsibility for his kids.

Jaxhog · 20/08/2018 11:03

She doesn't have DCS, so it's probably never occurred to her.

You have plenty of time to make arrangements, so either do that, or don't go. It isn't as if your DCs will be missing GCSEs!

ThunderR0ad78 · 20/08/2018 11:15

The school will approve one day off for your children to attend a family wedding! 100%

You are over thinking it. Take your children to the wedding!

I really don't understand the problem!

Mummyof0ne · 20/08/2018 18:26

I think you’re being a tad unreasonable. It’s her day.

She doesn’t have kids, so she wouldn’t necessarily think of accommodating them
For her special day

I’m sure you could ask your children’s friends parents to help out as a one off

jelliebelly · 20/08/2018 18:37

YABU - people have a year's notice - most can organise a day off work/School - Friday weddings are becoming quite popular. Just take them out of school for a day and enjoy the wedding as a family - I really don't get the issue.

Thehappygardener · 20/08/2018 19:22

Lots a good advice, hope it helps.

Have a great time at the wedding or arrange a lovely girly time with the bride to be at some point over the coming year 🍷🎈🎉

OrangeCarpet · 20/08/2018 19:22

OP I think it must be quite tough at times for you being a single parent with a child with additional health needs and an uncooperative ex and not much support. I think you might be right that your cousin thinks this will help limit the number of children but we can only guess. I don’t know whether you know this but if you post something in AIBU then you have to be prepared to be shot down in flames by people who take pleasure in putting others down. If you want a more balanced response I recommend you post on a more specific board in future. For example, wedding, chat, lone parents.

PinkLady01 · 20/08/2018 19:30

If kids weren’t invited that would most likely be on the invitation...