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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

316 replies

Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:23

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

OP posts:
Fireworks91 · 19/08/2018 08:42

We chose a Friday, it was cheaper and meant we could have the venue we wanted in the month we wanted. Nothing to do with not wanting kids there...if that was the reason they would just state no kids and have it whenever they wanted.

greendale17 · 19/08/2018 08:43

I don’t like weekday weddings. The vibe is different for some reason. Plus I don’t like booking annual leave to attend.

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:43

I only work limited hours around school, with some help from my DM. My youngest would be okay with a friend/school mum for tea if I left early but eldest has additional needs and medications so neither of us would be comfortable with that.

XH is extremely difficult so doubt he'd agree to have them as I asked begore for an important hospital app I needed to attend.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 19/08/2018 08:44

If the DCs are invited then the school will likely allow them to have an authorised day off for a family wedding.

MarthasGinYard · 19/08/2018 08:45

So they are on invite?

I don't see the problem you've over a year to sort it.

MarthasGinYard · 19/08/2018 08:46

'If the DCs are invited then the school will likely allow them to have an authorised day off for a family wedding.'

There you go

And surely booked a year in advance school will know it's genuine.

RainySeptember · 19/08/2018 08:46

"I asked begore for an important hospital app I needed to attend."

But you probably didn't give him 14 months notice for that.

And medical appointments can be rearranged, whereas another person's wedding cannot.

Sell it to him a bit, there'll come a time when he needs a favour for you.

Are their names on the invitation? If they're invited it's all moot anyway, it's just one day off school.

bridgetreilly · 19/08/2018 08:48

Well, are the children invited or not? That seems like a bigger clue as to whether she wants them there than what day of the week the wedding is on. If they are, take them. If not, then don't. But I don't see how that changes from a Saturday to a Friday. It might make a difference in you being there, but not the children, so I don't see how it's relevant to whether your cousin likes children or not.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 19/08/2018 08:48

I don't like child-free weddings, but honestly, picking at her choice of date because it doesn't suit you and casting aspersions on her supposedly lacking 'maternal' qualities - not sure I'd want someone at my wedding who thought so disdainfully of me.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 08:49

Maybe the saturday was already booked.

Momo27 · 19/08/2018 08:49

if the additional needs of your eldest are such that you can’t even as a one off leave her with your mum after school, then would dragging the kids along to a wedding really be a sensible idea? Obviously you don’t need to tell us your dds condition but I’m imagining something quite significant, not just making sure she has a tablet at the right time. Seriously, if you’re not comfortable to leave the kids with anyone apart from their dad, then if he really can’t do that date then just decline the invite. It’s no biggie. Certainly not worth getting worked up that it’s not on a weekend

ElainaElephant · 19/08/2018 08:51

Friday is the traditional day for weddings where I live (and yes, it's in the UK). Schools are very amenable to allowing children a day off for a wedding.

But if you don't want the risk of an unauthorised day off, they can have a sick day. One day off school won't harm them.

Snoopychildminder · 19/08/2018 08:51

Weekday weddings are also a third of the cost.
Maybe it was the kids (I also dislike children at weddings as I am usually the one that ends up looking after them all whilst their parents drink the night away)
But maybe it was cost, maybe it worked better for them? It’s a shame you can’t go but don’t take it personally, it’s theirweddi g afterall

pandarific · 19/08/2018 08:51

There are also these things called babysitters... If it's in 2019(!) I'm pretty sure you could find one by then.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 19/08/2018 08:51

I think that many venues have realised that people are choosing a weekday and actually Fridays are not cheaper than weekends these days.

It’s difficult with children and school, but most others can ask for a day’s holiday leave if it’s really important to them. It would just be an unauthorised absence which won’t trigger a fine.

Redken24 · 19/08/2018 08:52

It could be a special date for them.
Cost thing
Venue only available on that date.
Wanting to just get married already.

It's their wedding.

supadupapupascupa · 19/08/2018 08:52

I had a Friday wedding. Nothing to do with cost. Everything to do with being able to book the suppliers we wanted (photographers, florists, cars etc) And we booked a year in advance! Everyone but one we invited came as we gave a years notice.

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:52

Their names are on the invite, but the school is very strict on time off and think it will very unlikely be approved.

I could take them as sick but if I go with the DC we will likely need to stay the night due to the distance and think youngest will mention it when they do the "what did we do at the weekend".

As far as the cost I know wealthy people cut the costs, but in this scenario it is my uncle's only daughter, he is extremely well off and wants to pay for everything. I just know how he is and he is not the sort to ask to have a weekday wedding to cut costs. For what its worth the date was completely changed, not just from the Saturday to Friday. More like the 31st moved to the 1st.

I will have to speak to the school when they return I suppose, it's not that I "cba" to arrange things its just more difficult than them going to a friend's for tea.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 19/08/2018 08:53

Could also be that they've found a honeymoon that will start on the Saturday so they decided to bring the wedding forward a day?

This ^

notacooldad · 19/08/2018 08:53

There are roughly 240,000 weddings in England & Wales each year, I'm sure there will be another you can go to' Eh? That doesn't make sense.

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:55

Yes the medical app was slightly different but along the same lines and his reaction said a lot. It was an important app I needed to attend for an operation, if not attended it would mean the whole process had to be restarted (which it did and I am still waiting second time around). I asked him months in advance and his response was that it was "my day" so nothing to do with him and up to me to arrange my own "problems". I can't see him being co-operative with this.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 19/08/2018 08:56

'is my uncle's only daughter, he is extremely well off and wants to pay for everything. I just know how he is and he is not the sort to ask to have a weekday wedding to cut costs. For what its worth the date was completely changed, not just from the Saturday to Friday. More like the 31st moved to the 1st.'

None of this relevant

You have an invite

Your dc are invited

That is all

MarthasGinYard · 19/08/2018 08:56

Oh and yes YABU

As per my previous post

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 08:57

But even if she did organise it so no DC, so what? That's totally her choice. Accept or decline (assume the wedding is this october as that would tally with 8 weeks before for proper invites?)

venetian25 · 19/08/2018 08:57

I find this annoying too, I get that it's cheaper but I went to a weekday wedding a couple of weeks ago, it was a Wednesday, we were staying over as it was a few hours away so I had to book two days off work and the friend I travelled with is self employed lost two days work. Had it been term time some friends who work in schools would not have been able to go, it puts lots of people in an awkward position. Stop being tight and book it on a Saturday!!