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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

316 replies

Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:23

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 19/08/2018 08:58

I wouldn't take the kids out of school for a wedding (or a family holiday for that matter but that's a different thread).

Out of everyone to invite they probably didn't go through everyone's circumstances before they booked their own wedding. Plus if they don't have children let alone with addition needs then they would even understand what's involved.

I very much doubt they have done it to stop your kids from attending. This choice of date is not about you it's about them.

EdisonLightBulb · 19/08/2018 08:58

Tbh, I would either drive over at 3:30 for the evening event with kids or ring in sick to school if you want to go that bad. Two DC with sickness and diarrhoea on a Friday isn't an impossibility. If they say hey went to a wedding at he weekend, that's ok, most people will assume it was the Saturday.

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:58

if the additional needs of your eldest are such that you can’t even as a one off leave her with your mum after school

It wouldn't be with my mum, as my family will all be attending the wedding, I'm saying it isn't possible for a school mum to look after him.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 19/08/2018 08:58

Let it be an unapproved absence then. They can’t actually compel you to take them in if you want to take then to a wedding instead unless they already have a poor attendance record.
Fwiw I recently had to attend a Thursday wedding with 8yo DD so she had to miss 2 days of school because the wedding was a 3 hour drive away. Now that’s a pita!

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 08:58

A lot of venues - especially popular ones - the Saturdays book up very far in advance. I can think of one near me that you can't get a Saturday for over 2 years.

Snoopychildminder · 19/08/2018 08:59

Weekday weddings are also a third of the cost.
Maybe it was the kids (I also dislike children at weddings as I am usually the one that ends up looking after them all whilst their parents drink the night away)
But maybe it was cost, maybe it worked better for them? It’s a shame you can’t go but don’t take it personally, it’s theirweddi g afterall

ForalltheSaints · 19/08/2018 08:59

If it's this year, an alternative Saturday might not be available. In any case as others have pointed out, her wedding and Fridays may be significantly cheaper.

BIWI · 19/08/2018 09:00

You seem to want to see problems here Hmm

You don't know that the school won't approve because you haven't asked them yet. But if they don't approve, and you have to go on your own, your mum helps you out with your DC so why can't she help out for a bit longer?

And what on earth does your cousin's desire or lack of, to have her own children, have anything to do with this? Or how wealthy her father is?

You say you're close, but it doesn't really sound like you like this cousin - just don't bother going to the wedding as it's seemingly so difficult for you.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 09:01

You are one person invited to their wedding. Well, one "family" one adult plus kids. Maybe there were other people that the Saturday didn't work for. Maybe they couldn't get the Saturday so went for the Friday (many places have an "only one wedding in the venue on any particular day" rule for example). Maybe the very wealthy dad said you can have x amount total and they wanted the extra for a honeymoon.

If they didn't want your kids there, they'd not have put their names on the invite.

actualpuffins · 19/08/2018 09:01

I expect it will save them a lot of money, as regardless of children, about a third or more of the guests won't come.

I went to a weekday wedding, but only my mum and I went out of six guests originally inviting because of the logistics of it.

gamerwidow · 19/08/2018 09:02

My cousin got married two years ago her very wealthy DF paid but did not give her infinite budget. She got married on a Friday too.

BIWI · 19/08/2018 09:03

OK - see that your mum will be at the wedding, so clearly she can't look after your DC at home Grin

but you still have plenty of time to find a babysitter.

actualpuffins · 19/08/2018 09:03

Having said that a Friday isn't too bad. The one I went to was on a Tuesday.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/08/2018 09:03

You do seem to be creating problems that don’t exist. I would be very surprised if the school don’t authorise (I’m a teacher btw). All our local schools do, especially if your DC have generally good attendance. For whatever reason the Saturday wasn’t convenient, maybe a close friend/family member couldn’t make it and the Friday was the best alternative?

Momo27 · 19/08/2018 09:03

Agree with BIWI actually. You sound quite judgemental; saying your cousin doesn’t seem maternal and that she’ll need to get a move on if she does want kids because she’s in her late 30s ... how is any of this relevant? If I knew someone spoke about me like that, I wouldn’t want them at my wedding frankly

actualpuffins · 19/08/2018 09:04

I agree, that is not very nice.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 19/08/2018 09:04

Unauthorised absence at school is no big deal. Fines only kick in after 4 days I believe. No need to lie at school, request approval, if it is not approved, take it as unauthorised, nothing more needs to be said. Your cousin has out them on the invitation, take them and have a great day. Life is too high enough without looking for things to get cross about.

diddl · 19/08/2018 09:04

It's certainly a way of whittling down the guests.

You can feel OK because you've invited them, whether or not they take time off is up to them!

MLMLM · 19/08/2018 09:06

Just take the kids with you, stop making a big deal out of nothing

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 19/08/2018 09:07

Your DC are invited, you have 14months notice, you’ve no idea what your children’s half term is, you haven’t actually asked the school or your XH.

So essentially you’re just finding problems where there isn’t any...you sound like that annoying friend who blatantly doesn’t want to go somewhere but instead of just saying that, comes up with every excuse under the sun 🤷🏻‍♀️

And wtf does how maternal she is have to do with the situation

MarthasGinYard · 19/08/2018 09:07

'she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s).'

So what?

SheSparkles · 19/08/2018 09:09

You really are overthinking this-it isn’t all about you!
I got married on a Friday because along with all the reasons people have already given, it gave everyone the whole weekend to recover

MakeItRain · 19/08/2018 09:11

You need to ask for an absence form at your school. Ask for a day's absence for the wedding of a close family member, which your whole family is attending.
You might find they authorise it, but even if they don't, it will simply goes down as an "unauthorised absence". If it's the only day youve ever done this there shouldn't be any consequences to that, as the fines are generally imposed after 5 days (however you'd have to check with your Local Authority to see how they implement fines.)

I think in your circumstances, people would be very understanding about you wanting your children to attend. You'd need to emphasise how close you all are and how the whole family is attending, and the positive impact the event will have on you and your children.

Even if you feel uncomfortable about asking for the day, it's worth doing as it may well be authorised and you can stop worrying. If unauthorised you have time to decide whether you want to take the day anyway.

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 09:12

We actually do get on very well and I have a lot of love for her. I mention both how she feels about children and her father as both are relevant given most posters have said a Friday wedding is sometimes down to cost.

It's fine if she doesn't like/want children. I mention it because that is a reason I thought the change may be as she doesn"t like the company of children, and stated she doesn't like them running around so given she already made a point about not wanting them around...

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 19/08/2018 09:12

So your children are invited, so that seems to answer your question as to whether she's done it deliberately to exclude them. She hasn't.

Lots of people have week day weddings. As PPs have said, the cost difference can be massive and just because the bride's father is "wealthy" doesn't mean that they're necessarily happy with paying top whack/over-inflated prices for a Saturday bash. There are a whole ton of reasons why they might have chosen that date. It might be the only day the venue they love is available, it might be a special date for them, it might be that they want to marry on a Friday so they can go on honeymoon on Saturday, it might fit better with what leave they are able to book from work. You just don't know, but it's unlikely they've done it to spite your children.

(And from your original post, I'm not sure where the bride's maternal interests and/or her fertility window come into it all.)

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