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Original poster

to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

316 replies

Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:23

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

OP posts:
SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 09:35

Child free weddings seem to be quite common these days. I think if she wanted child free she’d just have said so rather than move the day of her wedding. Most people I know work Monday to Friday, so it will rule out quite a lot of people being able to easily attend. Not just children. It might be that her venue wasn’t available on the Saturday or that they charge less on a weekday.

Have you tried local childminders for ad hoc child care? I know some round where I live do this and I think they would be able to give prescribed medication. Worth a look. Alternatively you could take them out of school for a day, though I’m always wary of this. My bil and sil took their three dcs out of school for the best part of a week for a family wedding recently. I don’t think I’d have done that, but they didn’t see a problem. They’re a very sensible couple with proper grown up jobs (unlike me!), children all do well at school etc etc. So maybe it’s fine?

AChickenCalledKorma · 19/08/2018 09:35

My BILs wedding was on a Thursday and 500 miles away. It was clear from some conversations that we had that it never crossed their minds that this would be problematic for those with children at school. It was just a day that was available at the venue they wanted and fitted in with their honeymoon plans.

We asked for, and got, four days off school. But we'd have gone anyway even if it wasn't authorised.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 09:36

Then you've loads and loads of time to sort something. Why are you so uptight about it ?

Momo27 · 19/08/2018 09:37

You really are making this all about you, and looking for problems.

Tbh as you do a job where you work school hours only but clearly not actually in a school (because clearly you have no problem in taking a Friday off yourself) then frankly you’re in an easier position than many people who don’t have that sort of flexibility. Your only issue is whether to request the day off for your children, then take it as unauthorised if the school don’t agree (one day unauthorised is not going to instigate any school issue) or to pull all the stops our beforehand and arrange one off childcare (there are agencies that can provide this, even specialised care. It may be pricey but quite possibly no more than you’ll spend staying in a hotel with 3 of you.)

Honestly I would bet money that this change of date impacts on you less than other guests who may not be able to take a Friday off, or afford hotel bills, or who have older children in more crucial school years.

Do you actually want to attend this wedding? Or just tell us all the hypothetical barriers you can think of?

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 19/08/2018 09:39

Jeeze, the happy couple can choose whatever day they wish to get married without having to consult any parents that are invited if it is convenient for their individual child’s needs. She may have mentioned that she doesn’t want children running around because that is very irritating at weddings and hopes that the parents will respect their wishes. Your life will be a great deal happier if you stop over thinking and realise it’s not all about you. Go and enjoy and let your hair down

Pebblespony · 19/08/2018 09:43

You sound like fun. I'm sure they'll be devastated if these seemingly insurmountable imaginary problems stop you from attending.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/08/2018 09:47

If she didn’t want children there she wouldn’t have invited them. I didn’t want them at mine so didn’t invite them.

FASH84 · 19/08/2018 09:50

Maybe she couldn't get a Saturday at the venue she chose or realised it would be double the price compared to the Friday. It's their wedding not yours, you could still go to the evening if you really really can't make the daytime (kids can't have upset tummies that day?)

Bodear · 19/08/2018 09:54

She’s told you that she would prefer a child-free wedding so you know how she feels about it. I really don’t understand what your issue is or what you’re asking. The B&G are planning a wedding and have invited you and your kids, if you can and you want to then go, if you don’t then don’t. It really is no more complex than that.
It has nothing to do with her fertility or their desire to have kids.

Normandy144 · 19/08/2018 09:54

Just advise the school that they will miss the Friday for a family wedding. They will most likely say it is unauthorised but a) that doesn't mean you can't still take them out and B) a fine is highly unlikely as they mostly kick in at absences of 5+ days. All sorted!

wildewillow · 19/08/2018 09:54

It's their wedding, they can do what they like!
Maybe the chose a Friday as it's considerably cheaper than a Saturday (just because someone's father is wealthy doesn't mean they want to spend an extra few £1000 for a different day!), maybe it was the only date free at the venue they love, maybe it's half term or maybe they don't want any kids there. You seem to be taking this personally but it's actually not about you. Friday weddings aren't unusual and haven't been for quite sometime. Do your kids not have any friends they can stay with for one night? Or your XH family? You've got 14months to sort something out it's not like it's last minute!

LadyintheRadiator · 19/08/2018 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 19/08/2018 09:55

It can be half the price to have a weekday wedding, and you also have the benefit of fewer attendees and fewer kids, so yes all of those things could have been a factor

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 09:55

It's so much cheaper to have a week day wedding I don't know why anyone would choose a Saturday now.

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 09:59

Honestly I would bet money that this change of date impacts on youlessthan other guests who may not be able to take a Friday off, or afford hotel bills, or who have older children in more crucial school years.

I'm sure a massive amount of people who could have attended a Saturday could attend a Friday, but ultimatley they would have known this when booking it for a weekday. I'm sure this will keep the wedding much smaller/more family based but perhaps this is the intentions as you would only go to the trouble of booking time off/calling sick/booking hotels/children off school if you really really wanted to go, not so much for an old school friend or colleague.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 19/08/2018 09:59

Their (not her) reasoning for the date is not a personal slight. You are not that important they would have set their date just to manipulate whether you or your dc attend or not! Forget the conspiracy theories, you and your dc have an invite to a wedding, accept or decline and make the necessary arrangements. End of story.

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 10:00

It's so much cheaper to have a week day wedding I don't know why anyone would choose a Saturday now.

Because you actually want your invited guests to come to the wedding and mostly Saturday is easier as lots of people are already off work/school??

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 10:02

As I have said a thousand times, I don't think this is a deliberate point to exclude just me/my children. I don't think for one second my family were thought of in the booking process but they would have known that booking a term time weekday a lot of children/working adults wouldn't come.

OP posts:
scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:02

Why not go and take your kids and just keep them off school for the day or am I missing something?

Enidblyton1 · 19/08/2018 10:02

OP, the most likely reasons for the easing being on a Friday will be the cost or availability of the venue.
Don’t assume all guests would feel the same as you regarding childcare. I would be thrilled about a Friday wedding these days because I don’t work on Fridays and childcare for most of the day is covered by school - much easier than having to find a babysitter for an entire Saturday afternoon/evening.

You have over a year to find someone who can pick your children up from school and look after them. Worst case, you have to pay someone to do it and it costs a lot of money - annoying, but that’s what many of us without family or XH would have to do for a Saturday wedding if children aren’t invited.

GoblinSharts · 19/08/2018 10:04
  1. Weekday weddings are cheaper
  2. Lots if parents will find it easier to get a babysitter to look after children after school rather than having to have them for a full day. In terms of childcare, for most people this is an easier option as the children will be at school for the majority of the day.
  3. I have a child. I love adult only events. I totally get why they don’t want children running around/screeching etc.
  4. It’s their day. They have spent however many thousands on their wedding.
  5. you can’t keep everyone happy.

I haven’t read the full thread but unless their was some epic drip feed I stand by the above.

LadyintheRadiator · 19/08/2018 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyintheRadiator · 19/08/2018 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badcat666 · 19/08/2018 10:07

Dear gods OP, your children ARE INVITED!

Stop making out that she doesn't want children at HER wedding. If she didn't want them there they would not be invited, tis logic!

And who cares if she doesn't want or have children, us childless people aren't 2 headed hideous monsters or beneath you in social status because we haven't bred you know.

You have over a sodding year to sort this out.

Is this the issue? That you have to sort something out yourself instead of everything being very handy for you?

Why are you making it so complicated? You check the school holidays for next year, you ask the school for time off and you then make arrangements with your ex if YOU don't want to take the children out of school for one day.

Saturdays are normally booked up to anything to 2 to 3 years in advance so maybe they just wanted to get married and a Friday was available.

Stop making it about all about you and that they have offended you in some way just because they want to get married on a Friday and it's annoyed you and your plans.

NeverStopExploring · 19/08/2018 10:07

What is the big deal with a weekday wedding? You have a year to sort it so either do or decline. If they want a small wedding they would only invite a small amount of guests rather than inconveniencing ones they have invited. People complain and moan about an invite. Like a previous poster has said it’s not a summons! I don’t know why people bother inviting lots of family or friends as you will always be criticised for something.