to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

[Weddingproblems]

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

[Lovingtheisland]

Oh god, you’re one of these awful ‘the world must revolve around myself and my children and every woman should be maternal, want children and make that (and other people’s children) the main priority in their lives type’ yawn.

Why on earth did you start a thread saying your children aren’t invited to your cousin’s wedding and then a few posts later say that their name is on the invite?! Surely that means they are invited then?! You’ve got over a year to try organise a day off school for them, i really don’t get the drama here?!

[Sunnysidegold]

Do you really think someone would change the day of their wedding just so your children couldn't come? Couldn't she just out your name in the invitation in that case?

I wanted a Saturday wedding at a particular wedding. Ended up having a Friday two years later than I planned as no Saturdays wrre available for ages (we had to have a summer wedding due to the nature of our work). So we had a Friday. It meant one day off work. A lot of friends are teachers and were either able to go or just came to the evening.

[Bodear]

I don’t understand how maternal she is, or what you think about her fertility, ffs, has to do with any of this. That you comment about those things is a little odd tbh. Your kids are invited and you really have no idea why she and her fiancé chose to move the date. Organising a wedding is hard and the bride and groom can’t please everyone so like others have suggested speak to school, or don’t go. But whatever you do please do it with grace. Your kids are not the most important factor in their decision making and nor should they be.

[Sunnysidegold]

I've just seen that she has put your children on the invitation. So she obviously does want them there.

Take them out of school for the one day. If it's a family wedding I'm sure you will have the support if family for your child with additional needs.

[scrumplepaper]

When is the wedding? This year or next year?

[blitzen]

People showing 'no urge' to have children, doesn't mean that they don't want to, nor does it mean they dislike children, and it's nobody else's business.

I got married on a Friday. I had a limited number of close family children as if all family and friends brought children we would have had 40+ children and then the evening becomes a cheesy disco with the Ghostbusters theme tune etc.

It was a Friday due to the availability of the venue and was no cheaper than having it on a Saturday.

[Alwayscommuting]

We got married on a Wednesday. My little sister was my MOH and was still in high school. With 5 months notice the school authorised a day off. My other bridesmaid was a teacher and she managed to get the day off too. We had 2 children there only one was of school age and they had no problem either. Speak to the school you may be surprised.

[BIWI]

But your children are invited! So it's clearly not about not having children there.

[ushuaiamonamour]

scrumplepaper makes a good point: Maybe there were people they especially wanted to be there who couldn't attend on the weekend. Or maybe they had a suspicion that changing the wedding to a more inconvenient day might weed out guests likely to carry on about what the bride planned to do with her womb, her advanced age, her suitability for becoming a parent, and her father's financial standing

[blitzen]

Also, have you checked if it's during half term?

[Ilovehamabeads]

I can’t see any problems here you are creating them in your head. Your children are invited, take them. It’s one day off school and goes down as unauthorised, big deal. Both my dc came to my cousins weekday wedding this year. We didn’t ask the school for permission to go. I just told them the children wouldn’t be in school on that day.

[Brambleboo]

You seem to be seeing only negatives in this, OP. Is it the case that you really don't want to go?

You have well over a year to sort something out, but seem to be writing of all ideas before even trying them. You're also being quite judgemental and making assumptions based on no evidence. Who cares whether your cousin has no plans to have kids. That is her & her H2B's business only. It's also up to them what day they choose to get married on. Your kids are invited so that cancels out your main assumption.

Try to start looking for other ways you can attend. You've time to start finding yourself a network of friends, regardless of this event, who can help you out in times like this. Time to find a babysitter you trust and who can deal with special needs. Resolve to just call in sick for the kids' school; stuff the school! One day won't hurt.

Don't forget, there are lots of people who work shifts or whose contracts include weekend work, so Saturday would be equally as awkward for them as Friday is to you.

[MatildaTheCat]

School is not prison. You simply inform them that the dc won’t be in on x date as they are attending a family wedding.

Your cousin has very definitely not booked her wedding as a ruse to exclude your dc. I also don’t understand what’s so wrong about not wanting a lot of children at your wedding and I’m very fond of most children. It will mean the odd person can’t attend but that applies to every date, venue and other arrangements.

[twattymctwatterson]

If she didn't want kids at her wedding she would have made it child free which she would be well within her rights to do. She and her DH are entitled to whatever kind of wedding they want on whatever day they want. As people have pointed out the main reason for having a Friday wedding is cost. You have over a year to sort out childcare or decide to take the DC out of school and seem to be looking for problems. You also don't sound very nice about her not "being maternal". Who gives a fuck?

[scrumplepaper]

Do people really send out invites a year and two months prior to a wedding these days?

[cucumberwater]

This choice of date is not about you it's about them.

^this

You’ve been invited, either go or don’t go. Stop trying to make their wedding decisions about you

[2infinity]

I honestly think you are over thinking it. I do this all the time and get myself into states over nothing! Its not worth it hugs

So you say you grew up together? Are you still as close now? If so, ask her why the date was changed. You don't need to mention the kids at this point, just the next time you see her say a passing comment like "oh we got your invite, how come you had to change dates?" That way no one needs to know how much you are thinking about this and hopefully she will be able to explain and you can stop worrying.

If she can't come up with an answer then you know something is up. At that point I would simply ask "are you not keen on having children?" If this is the case then you have your answer.

Is there any respite options in your area for your eldest? Everyone deserves a day off, so if so be kind to yourself. This is what respite is in place for. That would be a solution for your eldest if it is possible. Discuss it with your DC consultant, they will be able to advise you more on this. I know it must be a worry but everyone that works in respite are trained and usually experienced nurses. Then your youngest could go with a friend?

I'm sorry you don't get much support from XH. That is really rubbish about your opp!

[Yvest]

There simply isn’t a problem here. You are looking for a problem which doesn’t exist. I seriously doubt she gave you or your children a moments consideration when planning the date.

The wedding is in 14 months. Tell school you’re taking the children out for a family wedding. If they don’t authorise then so what? You won’t get fined, they don’t need to lie to anyone. Your mum is at the wedding so you have help.

Alternatively you have over a year to ask your ex for help, he can book leave and pick up your kids from school if you don’t want to take them

Finally, don’t start assuming what your cousin an her family can or can’t afford and why they’ve gone for a cheaper day. None of your business and only idiots pay over the odds for anything if they don’t have to regardless of how well off they are

[Weddingproblems]

I know fully well the date doesn't need to be revolving around my children . But by setting a Friday in term time setting this date would weed out the majority of the children, definatley those who aren't family members children.

If I didn't want to go to the wedding none of these things would be issues as I could just use the excuse of saying sorry my DC have school that day and we can't make it, which is what I would do if it wasn't close family, or a distant friend/colleague.

Her choice whether or not to have children has nothing to do with me, and makes no difference to me one bit, but when someone speaks about their feelings about children, and says they'd prefer their wedding to be adult then setting on a school day seems related to that.

Yes I totally get that it could also be a million other reasons.

[sendthecoffee]

My brother got married earlier this year. His wedding was on a Saturday but I was a bridesmaid and needed to be there for Friday morning - he lives the opposite end of the country to me. My three kids were given the two days off school plus the Monday, so we could travel back then. It really sounds like you're making problems when there aren't any.

[beepbeeprichie]

My best friend had a week day wedding. She got all the suppliers she wanted at a fraction of the cost. Having cash didn’t really come into it- she saw the price differential (band was £800. On a Saturday £2,500). Venue was 1/3 cheaper. To expect her to keep a Saturday date just so a few children could be there would be selfish in the extreme. It’s up to her and her husband what they want. You’ve not even spoken to the school yet ffs.

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

Apparently childfree weddings are a thing these days. So if that’s what she wanted she would have said so. You’re overthinking. Take the day off, go to the wedding, you’ll still have the whole weekend to enjoy. Win/ win!

[birdonawire1]

Yes, I agree she doesn’t want children at her wedding but would rather not say so, hence a weekday choice.
Just don’t go. If there is an evening party maybe get a babysitter and go to that?

[scrumplepaper]

Is it this October or next? Because I've never ever heard of actual invites going out 14 months in advance.

[Weddingproblems]

Next October, it was more of a save the date. Says dates/times and venue but on official stationary. The last date was given verbally i.e. it will be on "1st Jan 2000".