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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scalded for drinking alcohol by a stranger

809 replies

Boilin · 18/08/2018 17:45

Went to Wetherspoons (I'm still there) with DP. I'm 28 weeks pregnant at the moment and had half a pint of cider with my meal. The woman who served it to me had no issue with it whatsoever, but the man stood next to me (not sure if he was slightly drunk) felt it appropriate to tell my DP that 'that won't be good for her or the baby' (hello I'm stood right here ). DP told him, 'it's fine' and told me to ignore him and the bloke then continued to discuss under his breath with his partner/friend my choice to have a drink.

AIBU to think he had no right? To think that it's fine that I had half a pint once in a blue moon? To feel pissed off with the constant judgement of my ever move since I've been pregnant?

Ugh. I've just had enough of today! Sorry for moaning...

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 18/08/2018 18:34

He was out of place.

But...
...is it so important to you to drink that you would do so while pregnant?

I'm with Flatpackjackie on this.

The truth is some women who are alcoholics get away with causing no damage to their babies
This is a most irresponsible statement to put out there.

Alcohol crosses brain and placenta barriers easily. The fetus can't metabolise alcohol the way the mother can. It can remain in the fetal system for a longer period until diffused out again through the placenta.
This is not 'moralising'. It's verifiable fact.

If you wouldn't feed your baby a sip of alcohol or rub some on its gums to ease teething, why would you give it alcohol in utero? It's a teratogen.
Fetal alcohol syndrome is a horrible, horrible affliction.

Why would you take any risk?

Original poster

Boilin · 18/08/2018 18:37

@mathanxiety because there is no risk! You must be absolutely bonkers to think that half a pint of cider drunk over an hour in your third trimester is going to cause FAS.

OP posts:

BlueBug45 · 18/08/2018 18:37

Oh and @Flatpackjackie your stance has caused lots of women who don't find out they are pregnant until the 2nd trimester due to things like irregular periods to ask for an abortion.

starbrightlight · 18/08/2018 18:37

Sorry this happened, OP. It seems at the first hint of motherhood people can't wait to judge. If there's a problem with addiction that's a different matter and very sad but the very occasional glass of something mildly alcoholic won't have any long term effects as you know already.

Our parents and grandparents weren't told to abstain and most of us seem fine. Nothing to do with alcohol but on my very first (brave) outing to the supermarket with my baby in a sling an old man verbally attacked me for neglect. In his eyes the baby should have been in a pram and I was terribly neglectful in having him slouched unsupported against me in a sling. We couldn't afford a pram and I didn't dare venture out again until my son was in a buggy. The sling was never used again. Sorry for going off topic it's just that I was reminded of the way people do seem to judge and how damaging it can be to a new mum's confidence.

My baby is now in his late 30s and doing very well. And I had the occasional glass of wine when pregnant, as recommended by my GP.

mumsastudent · 18/08/2018 18:37

as a teetotaller - a thought - all those people in the middle ages who slogged down pints a day as normal (although low alcohol but lots of it) how did Mary Arden manage to produce a genus like William? Where all the dc born with problems? (sarcasm/irony alert) for goodness sake the woman had a half of cider

Pengggwn · 18/08/2018 18:39

mathanxiety

Our brains evolved to calculate risk almost constantly. I take risks all the time and I did so throughout my pregnancy, both necessary and unnecessary ones. I flew in an aeroplane. I crossed roads. I went running. I had sex. All activities carrying some risk to my baby. I did those things because I wanted to. Having a small glass of wine is no different.

PeapodBurgundy · 18/08/2018 18:40

I tried to have a small white wine spritzer ONCE while pregnant with DS. Somebody made a similar veined comment and I ended up feeling too guilty to drink it. Still haven't forgiven that woman. There was condensation dripping down the side of the glass and everything, I'm salivating at the thought of it! It was half of a small wineglass of wine mixed in with soda water that I'd likely have savoured for most of the night to make it last. I still mourn the waste.

LagerthaTheShieldMaiden · 18/08/2018 18:41

I love all the passive aggressive fake hand wringing on these threads. "Why is it so important to you to have a drink, do you think you have a problem". Pathetic.

Why can't people just mind their damn business. You don't actually care about random strangers babies, you really don't, it's just a way to make yourself feel superior and virtue signal on the internet. Get a life

Bringonspring · 18/08/2018 18:45

I am more worried that you were feeding your unborn child food from weatherspoons

starbrightlight · 18/08/2018 18:47

Lovely to see that common sense is coming to the fore.

starbrightlight · 18/08/2018 18:49

Erm, I didn't actually mean about the weatherspoons food but maybe you do have a point.

MeyMary · 18/08/2018 18:49

I haven't had any alcohol since we started to try for a baby.

Would I have some now? Maybe a very small glass for a toast on a special occasion.

I know that small amounts of alcohol aren't as horrible as people used to think... But I just don't feel comfortable with it.

As for the man that criticising the OP! What a wanker.

He felt the need to tell her DP -an other man- instead of the person whose body he was talking about?? What a wanker.

starbrightlight · 18/08/2018 18:50

Or was that a pint.

MeyMary · 18/08/2018 18:50

Btw, I'm not saying that he should have scolded the OP directly. But I feel like doing it indirectly - via her DP - is even worse.

thecatsabsentcojones · 18/08/2018 18:50

My husband is a doctor with access to very in depth healthcare information. He did quite a bit of research and came to the conclusion that there's no reason why you can't consume a small amount of alcohol whilst pregnant. The issue is that the authorities say not to have any because they don't trust people to be moderate. As to FAS happening through small amounts of alcohol, again he would dispute that.

People love to inflict their morals on pregnant women, this is nothing to do with health, its people feeling they have a right to choose what women should do.

I'm surprised in your pregnant state that you didn't tell him to fuck right off. He deserved it.

CantChoose · 18/08/2018 18:50

I'm a GP and my best friend is an obstetrician. The evidence regarding alcohol in pregnancy is of understandably very poor quality. We have both looked into this extensively and felt there was no convincing evidence of harm in the 2nd and 3rd trimester with small amounts. She chose to have 1-2 single unit drinks a week, I haven't bothered so far apart from a sip or two at a friend's wedding with the toasts. It's a personal choice. I do think that women aren't counselled properly on the relevant risk and strength of evidence to allow them to make an informed decision and that public moralising does nobody any good.

SavanahXx · 18/08/2018 18:53

i agree with @Flatpackjackie !! you wouldn't take ecstasy or cocaine, what makes drinking different? its not, and this is coming from a 19 year old that should love drinking, but no, I find it absolutely disgusting that anyone would force alcohol onto their baby when that baby cannot speak for itself and say no!! the baby has no choice but to eat what you eat and drink what you drink till he or she is born, everyone who finds it acceptable should for sure be ashamed of themselves!!!!

Bear2014 · 18/08/2018 18:53

Ugh - I hated this sort of thing so much, OP. You feel like your life isn't your own and your body is public property. The fact that he said this to your DP and not you says all you need to know about him.

I had baristas in coffee shops give me decaf when I didn't ask for it, a chef came out of the kitchen to tell me to have my meat well done and a waiter questioned my order of a small glass of wine at lunch. Made my piss boil!

Original poster

Boilin · 18/08/2018 18:54

@Bringonspring it was a cider...

OP posts:

Bear2014 · 18/08/2018 18:54

Whether or not you would drink while pregnant yourself or if you disagree with someone else's choice, it's none of your business!

jaseyraex · 18/08/2018 18:56

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He was a twat! People can have their opinions but he had no need to say anything to you, or your DP.

I would have alcohol free kopparberg if we were eating out when I was pregnant. A woman proper scolded me for it and made out like I was Satan in disguise. Even when I pointed out it was alcohol free, she still bloody went on about it because "there's still 0.05% alcohol in it, any alcohol could kill your baby." My eyes would have fell out if I rolled them any harder at her.

ginandnappies · 18/08/2018 18:56

Oh bugger off @Flatpackjackie if you have a drink while pregnant it doesn't mean your an alcoholic. Where have you dreamt that rubbish up?! I had the same OP, I was about 37 weeks. Hot, tired and extremely fed up, so I had a small white wine spritzer. Immediately an old woman came up to me and gave me a few stern words, she was swiftly told to remove her nose. Don't worry about it, sadly you should take it as a bit of practice. As soon as you have a baby everyone and their dog has an opinion on what you're doing.

Original poster

Boilin · 18/08/2018 18:57

@SavanahXx you wouldn't take ecstasy or cocaine, what makes drinking different?

hilarious!

OP posts:

Lethaldrizzle · 18/08/2018 18:58

I had pethidine whilst pregnant. I would imagine opiates are worse than alcohol but that's ok because it's pain relief?

SavanahXx · 18/08/2018 18:58

op is asking for opinions, is she being unreasonable? yes, yes she is because he's a normal person who's obviously concerned for that poor baby, I would be too.

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