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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a ft carer for FIL

176 replies

Shouldershrugger · 18/08/2018 10:56

My dh and i moved into my PILs house to help look after them alongside dh sister. SIL is the main carer and dh helps out in the evening and weekends. I help out when I am available to. I work pt and have 3 children. Youngest one being 2 yrs old. Sil has been bitching about looking after her dad a lot lately and has been insinuating that she has been doing us a favour. She sods off every evening and every weekend. She gets paid for looking after her dad and her rent is excused as she lives in one of FILs property. Due to her bitching, griping and sniping at us lately, dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work. Fil requires all around the clock care. He's unable to do anything for himself. Apart from feeding himself. Everything else is done by us. Aibu to not want that responsibility full time? I'm happy to help out when I'm home, but I want to have the freedom to go out whenever I want. Am I being selfish? I feel like such a cow.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/08/2018 11:00

Say no. That is not ok. If he needs personal care then it needs to be someone that offers or direct relative or soneone thar is getting paid for it. Dont get sucked in.

Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 11:02

No, of course you're not selfish. It's your life. You choose how you want to spend it. You'd be totally tied to the house. If the SIL doesn't want to do it, she needs to start paying rent (or move out so that the property can be properly rented out). That rent, together with the money she gets paid for care, can be used towards paying for a professional carer. Your DH might need to contribute a bit as well.

lastqueenofscotland · 18/08/2018 11:07

Oh god no. If your DH wants to do it fine by make it clear you won’t be.

flumpybear · 18/08/2018 11:11

You must tell him you're unhappy with that set up and perhaps look for a nursing help or even a home if he's that unable

user1andonly · 18/08/2018 11:12

Nope! It's all very well for your dh to say this as his life wouldn't actually change much - he'd still go to work and look after his Dad when he's at home as he does now - meanwhile you (and your toddler) would be trapped at home all day.

If it's getting too much for sil, then the siblings need to work out a plan between themselves eg paying for care a couple of days a week so sil can have some days free.

I think it would be a huge struggle to meet fils needs as well as caring for a toddler and it's not fair to ask this of you.

maggiecate · 18/08/2018 11:13

No, you're not. Caring is exhausting, draining work. I don't blame your SIL for having had enough, it can be soul destroying - she may just have reached the end of her rope. It might be time to have a talk as a family as to whether residential care would be more appropriate. Alternatively could your husband give up work/go part time to support his sister?

tierraJ · 18/08/2018 11:14

Maybe it's time for FIL to have proper care assistants in to look after him.
If he has several properties then he can afford carers.

For myself, I work as an HCA I would be too embarrassed to carry out any personal care for a male relative & the male relatives that I have would prefer care assistants with a professional distance to carry out personal care if they didn't have wives to do it.

Strax · 18/08/2018 11:14

DH isn't capable of doing it though, is he? Your life is not his to offer up.
Has he discussed it with you to ask if you would be willing or what you would be willing to do? Don't feel guilty about it at all. A uterus does not make you default carer in your relationship.

Monny1 · 18/08/2018 11:15

I don’t blame you. Your Sil should be doing it along with your husband. Stand your ground and say no!

HateIsNotGood · 18/08/2018 11:15

Do you pay any rent for living in your FIL's house with your family?

timeisnotaline · 18/08/2018 11:16

No absolutely not. You’re a person too , not dhs servant he can direct to whatever tasks he chooses.

Ghanagirl · 18/08/2018 11:16

As previous posters have said don’t do it!

FishesThatFly · 18/08/2018 11:18

Can l just clarify this...

Your DH has said that YOU will now care for his Father. Was this actually discussed in anyway or did he just assume that's what you would do?

Do you think this was the plan all along in his mind when you moved in?

You all need to sit down and discuss moving forward and what you're all willing to do.

You need to be firm otherwise you'll get lumbered as it will be put to you as a short term solution if you do it.... which will become a permanent fixture

multiplemum3 · 18/08/2018 11:19

How are you meant to look after him constantly with your younger being two? It doesn't work, it's not fair on you and your husband needs to realise he's being stupid

dustarr73 · 18/08/2018 11:19

No dont i was my uncles carer and it really restricts your life.
Ask dh when hes leaving his job and what will you be living off.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/08/2018 11:20

I think round the clock care if needed as it appears to be might become a strain on everyone maybe now would be the time to have a frank family discussion together to discuss more long term care options,,maybe a facility with medically trained staff maybe a better option for you all including your lovely father in law ..difficult one this but stress you want the best care available for him and you are all unqualified to do this? good luck x

Lollypop701 · 18/08/2018 11:20

So sil is effectively in a f/t paid caring role? If she resigns this position then the pay, including the rent offset, will cease. If you/oh take on this role you will have the same ‘salary’ which can be used to hire care. But make no mistake this is hard work, which will only get worse as he ages? when would you have time together as a family? Holidays? What happens when dh/you or one of the kids are sick? Your dh may be sick of sil behaviour, but if your moving in is recent and if she has been doing everything for years, with no break, then perhaps understandable, although still not ok. Maybe a proper talk with sil face to face to clear the air? Good luck

Butterymuffin · 18/08/2018 11:21

he would be capable of doing so himself

This isn't at all fair if what he means is 'my wife will do it'. Ask him when he's resigning from his job. Then tell him you have enough on your plate already and it needs to be done by professional carers.

Janus · 18/08/2018 11:21

How can you do this? You have one child at home still so does that mean he has to spend his entire early childhood staying at home? I’d say to dh it’s not fair on your child or you.
I agree that paid help is the way to go, is fil able to provide for this? If not then sil has to move out of his house so I’m ome can be generated surely?

HappilyHarridan · 18/08/2018 11:22

Maybe by moving into his home your husbands sister got the impression that the two of you would be doing more of the caring? Why not live elsewhere so the boundaries are clearer?

category12 · 18/08/2018 11:23

I would say very clearly to your DH if he doesn't want SIL taking care of FIL, he needs to be the one giving up work to give fulltime care or he needs to find the money to pay for a carer. No way would I be taking up the slack.

Is he just hoping to bluff SIL into doing more?

apriljune12 · 18/08/2018 11:24

You should all stop sniping sit down and discuss this properly.

Your sil is probably knackered and you can’t just pick up the reins.

You need a proper family discussion.

Your dh sounds a twat.

Janus · 18/08/2018 11:24

income can be generated

Gazelda · 18/08/2018 11:24

You'll quickly resent being trapped at home. Your dh would be unfair to commit you to this.
It's reasonable and understandable that your SIL is finding it difficult. She is being unreasonable by bitching and hinting though.
I think you all need to face up to the situation and have a grown up discussion on the best and fairest way to give your FIL support, comfort and dignity.
Agree on suitable care. Agree on how this is funded. Agree on fair financial set up for each of your accommodation (are you paying rent at present?)
The pressure will be taken away, as will the resentment and unspoken expectation.

Jenala · 18/08/2018 11:24

Why not request a social services assessment? He could have 4 home visits a day which would take the pressure off the whole family and may mean sil feels more able to carry on?

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