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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a ft carer for FIL

176 replies

Shouldershrugger · 18/08/2018 10:56

My dh and i moved into my PILs house to help look after them alongside dh sister. SIL is the main carer and dh helps out in the evening and weekends. I help out when I am available to. I work pt and have 3 children. Youngest one being 2 yrs old. Sil has been bitching about looking after her dad a lot lately and has been insinuating that she has been doing us a favour. She sods off every evening and every weekend. She gets paid for looking after her dad and her rent is excused as she lives in one of FILs property. Due to her bitching, griping and sniping at us lately, dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work. Fil requires all around the clock care. He's unable to do anything for himself. Apart from feeding himself. Everything else is done by us. Aibu to not want that responsibility full time? I'm happy to help out when I'm home, but I want to have the freedom to go out whenever I want. Am I being selfish? I feel like such a cow.

OP posts:
Sockwomble · 19/08/2018 12:07

Those properties need to be sold to fund care? Who is doing the night care? - if there isn't any now, there will be eventually.

MeyMary · 19/08/2018 12:09

Thank you all. Just to clarify. My dh and i moved to look after the pil and have been here for 4 yrs now. Mil has passed away a yr and half now.
It's imo lovely that you agreed to that! And not something people should just expect.

And no, you don't sound terrible. It's imo obvious, understandable and healthy that you want to go out with your DC during the day!!

I'm shocked that your DH seems to simple want to volunteer your time! It's imo unacceptable.

They need to come up with a sustainable solutions.

Paying for a carer or thinking about a home or assisted living facility might be a good idea (although it sounds like your FIL might not be healthy enough for the latter).

I suspect that your SIL is starting to get "snippy" because this kind of work is difficult, takes a lot of energy and she might just not be up for it anymore. (Not because she's somehow lacking but because being a ft carer is a lot of work. And living rent-free doesn't offset that at all imo...)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2018 12:10

It's good to learn he already has some outside care, as this gets over the possibility of "I don't want anyone else"

But selling one of the houses to fund more care might be more complicated if family members are living in all of them and already regarding them as "theirs"

What with nobody paying any rent and FIL also paying out for SIL's (and maybe others'?) utilities, is there any cash actually available to pay for more care? It's just that you hear about the "property rich, cash poor" thing and I wondered if this is the case here?

MeyMary · 19/08/2018 12:10

I mean, seriously. 60£ a week and rent-free living for FT care / assistance of an elderly person?

That SIL sounds like an angel...

blueskiesandforests · 19/08/2018 12:15

It sounds as though there are as many properties as adult children and the children have each been told which they will inherit, meaning that the adult children see the property as their individual property.

It sounds as though film's considerable assets could easily find round the clock high quality professional care, but the adult children don't see the assets as fils any more, so obviously no one adult child will agree to "their" inheritance being sold, so the adult children are fighting among themselves over who does care to save £.

Really all the assets need to be in one pot, 3 put up for sale with the last to be sold once fil dies. Whatever's left in the pot after paying for fil's professional care is split between the heirs in the form of whatever cash released from sale of the properties is left.

It's the one property each which has caused the problem by the sounds of it. FIL is not going to get the care he could easily afford because he's already told his heirs what's each of theirs individually, and nobody will give up their share.

blueskiesandforests · 19/08/2018 12:16

*FIL's not films

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2018 12:39

It's the one property each which has caused the problem by the sounds of it. FIL is not going to get the care he could easily afford because he's already told his heirs what's each of theirs individually, and nobody will give up their share

Yes, that sounds about the size of it. It would probably have been better to plan for this situation years ago instead of just assuming it would all work out, but it's a bit late for that now

ilovesooty · 19/08/2018 13:36

I think these children regarding the properties as theirs already are going to get a huge shock when there is a social care assessment.
Does anyone have POA?

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 14:21

My dh has poa. Fil has a rental income from 2 of his other properties. Fil is doing well financially and the more I think of it, the more irked I'm getting. I'm supposed to stay in so dh and siblings can inherit an extra 10/20k! That's what I'm giving up my time with my children!? I'm definitely telling dh to arrange care in the home now.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 14:28

I'm supposed to stay in so dh and siblings can inherit an extra 10/20k! That's what I'm giving up my time with my children!? I'm definitely telling dh to arrange care in the home now.

This is what I said upthread. You're being expected to work out flat out to safeguard DH's and SILs inheritances. Fuck that.

Tell them to put a property in your name to really set the cat amongst the pigeons.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/08/2018 14:42

No body gets anything from a will unless the person is actually dead. Those properties do not belong to your DH and his siblings. You need to all get together and decide how to use FIL's assets now to pay for his care instead of worrying about what you might have all been promised when the circumstances were different

This with knobs, bells and whistles on.

OP I’m sure you personally have done well by your FIL. It is absolutely not your responsibility to pick up the slack on behalf of your DH and his siblings.

But the fact remains that your FIL does have the means to fund a very good quality care package for himself, which may or may not include residential care.

You haven’t mentioned whether any of you have power of attorney. If not, and it falls to external parties to decide whether he should remain in his own home because he lacks capacity to decide for himself, he will still have to pay for it.

And make no mistake, every one of those properties will be taken into consideration along with any other assets he has in determining what he can afford.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/08/2018 14:45

he will still have to pay for it

..he will still have to pay for whatever care the authorities consider necessary.

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 14:45

Shumpalumpa... LMAO.. yeah they'll love that. I'd rather have nothing. Dh said I could get carers allowance but I've declined. I don't want any money. I'd rather my time being for me and my children. I'm doing ok financially myself.

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/08/2018 14:46

Sorry, cross posted after all that! Your DH does have POA

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 14:46

Myimaginerycathasfleas... My dh has poa

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 14:48

So you had the conversation with DH, OP? How'd it go?

Missillusioned · 19/08/2018 14:52

I don't see why any property has to be sold. If FIL has a business and several properties surely his income would be sufficient to fund care. Well, it certainly would be if the properties his children are living in were rented out at market rate

AlmaGeddon · 19/08/2018 14:56

I think it’s the individual who is entitled to carers allowance, not the carer. So fil should have 65 a week for that. I would expect he is already getting it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2018 14:57

I'm supposed to stay in so dh and siblings can inherit an extra 10/20k!

So it really does come down to protecting their inheritance - quelle surprise

Call me unreasonable, but the siblings are already getting free homes and FIL now appears to have yet more rental-producing houses which will doubtless pass to his children too. And yet they'd rather the women did everything than see his own money actually spent on FIL?

Just how much more do they all want?? Hmm

Sockwomble · 19/08/2018 15:02

No the carer gets the carers allowance.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2018 15:05

Maybe there's some confusion between attendance allowance (which the cared-for person gets and can spend how they like) and carers' allowance which goes to the actual carer?

MeyMary · 19/08/2018 15:23

I'm definitely telling dh to arrange care in the home now.

Good for you! Expecting you to take care of FIL is imo extremely rude.

"You can get carer's allowance..."

That's great. He could quit his job, take care of FIL and get whatever allowance you'd be entitled to? (If you sacrificed your time with your children and / or your PT job?)

Fstar · 19/08/2018 15:29

No it isnt fair, being a carer even for part of the day can be stressful. Tell sil thaf you are going to employ a carer and she will lose ber carers allowance. Perhps lso speak to local carer community as some charities may be able to help out

Inertia · 19/08/2018 15:37

Sounds like it’s time to let SIL get a job, and use the money that FIL pays for her bills etc plus the carers allowance to pay for professional carers to do FIL’s care.

You can’t do it full time- you work and have caring responsibilities for your own children. Your DH can’t work full time and care full time and be an active father .

Your SIL is absolutely entitled to say that she’s had enough, but she can’t continue to then take the care funding and living subsidies from FIL, he needs the money to pay daytime carers while you and DH are around at night.

timeisnotaline · 19/08/2018 16:49

Personally I’d explain to dh that a carer might cost 10-30k, the divorce would cost him far more plus his family. This is a hill I would die on, you already do a very reasonable amount.

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