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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a ft carer for FIL

176 replies

Shouldershrugger · 18/08/2018 10:56

My dh and i moved into my PILs house to help look after them alongside dh sister. SIL is the main carer and dh helps out in the evening and weekends. I help out when I am available to. I work pt and have 3 children. Youngest one being 2 yrs old. Sil has been bitching about looking after her dad a lot lately and has been insinuating that she has been doing us a favour. She sods off every evening and every weekend. She gets paid for looking after her dad and her rent is excused as she lives in one of FILs property. Due to her bitching, griping and sniping at us lately, dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work. Fil requires all around the clock care. He's unable to do anything for himself. Apart from feeding himself. Everything else is done by us. Aibu to not want that responsibility full time? I'm happy to help out when I'm home, but I want to have the freedom to go out whenever I want. Am I being selfish? I feel like such a cow.

OP posts:
Kemer2018 · 18/08/2018 15:31

Yanbu.
But it may be better to live somewhere else.
Would sil still be getting carers allowance paid?
The care should be sorted between his biological family, not you. What if Your parents need care? You can't care for both sets.

Jozxyqk · 18/08/2018 15:36

Your SIL is absolutely within her rights to say she is struggling to care for her father.
Your DH is absolutely within his rights to volunteer to care for his own father.
Your DH is absolutely within his rights to ask you is you would be willing to assist with caring for his father.
However, your DH is absolutely unreasonable to volunteer your time to care for his father. He does not own you; it's not the 50s.

If my DH did this to me, I'd tell him he could bloody well think again. Pressure like this can cause MH issues for the carer, & relationships to breakdown, especially if the carer feels trapped.

Carers allowance is indeed very little - my DH gets it (I'm disabled). It's less than £65 per week.

BunnyCarr · 18/08/2018 15:45

Your Dh sounds like a complete twat.

sexnotgender · 18/08/2018 15:52

Nice to see a thread where everyone agrees! Your ‘D’H does not get to volunteer your time to look after FIL.
What was the agreement when you moved in?

hmcAsWas · 18/08/2018 15:53

"I feel awful saying this but I hope she slips away soon before she looses more of her dignity and takes dad down with her" apriljune don't beat yourself up for that, I was thinking exactly the same with respect to my parents....but the pressure is completely off now and dad can enjoy being with mum (daily visits of several hours) without the pressure of doing everything and getting up several times in the night.

Dad was against her going into a nursing home to begin with and it took all three of us dc to chip away at him and persuade him. He does now agree it was a good call

I hope you manage to sort something out and improve the situation soon Flowers

diddl · 18/08/2018 15:55

"dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work. "

So your husband isn't capable of looking after his dad?

How about he swaps with SIL?

Gives up work, gets paid to care, lives rent free in other property & SIL picks up evenings & weekends?

If SIL has had enough, then that's fine-the decision then is if your husband takes over, they pay for carers or he is put into a care home.

HelenaDove · 18/08/2018 15:57

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Sat 18-Aug-18 12:15:03

"Too much for someone with no kids"

So someone should get the rough end of the wedge again simply because they dont have living proof that they have had sex without contraception"

If it is Carers Allowance shes on that works out at 0.07p an hour.

And it was sexist and disrespectful of your DH to "volunteer" you in the way he did OP.

Jux · 18/08/2018 16:07

The siblings need to work something out between themselves and which doesn't include you at all. You, obviously, would be willing to help out in emergencies but it's their responsibility to ensure that he gets proper full time care, either from themselves or from professionals.

It does sound like he needs a completely different set up now, either people coming in or him going into a nursing home.

What is your set up in his house? Do you pay rent? Who does the housework and maintenance, garden, etc?

You need to look at the benefits you get from living where you do, as well as the benefits SIL gets from not paying for her home, and work things out from there.

HelenaDove · 18/08/2018 16:09

katielouise thats disgraceful.

Quartz2208 · 18/08/2018 16:09

No one can sustain this OP it is foolhardy of your DH to think so.

Your SIL cannot do it 24/7 - no wonder she is at breaking point, carers allowance is not for 24/7 care and the fact she doesnt pay rent in a property is neither here nor there. She has reached her limit

You cannot do it either

It has sadly one suspects come to the point of professional care

LeftRightCentre · 18/08/2018 16:17

She has THREE brothers, one who doesn't even have kids, and they never lift a FINGER to help their mother.

But they'll be there with their palms out when she dies and they want a slice of her money, I'll bet.

BigBlueBubble · 18/08/2018 16:52

Those pointing out that Carer’s Allowance is a pittance aren’t factoring in the house that SIL occupies rent-free, which is probably worth several hundred pounds a month. Also SIL must be getting more than just Carers Allowance otherwise she wouldn’t be able to afford to live, even rent free.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/08/2018 17:11

"dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work."
Your husband is a liar - he is NOT capable of doing so himself, is he? What he intends to do is shift the work from his sister to you. Without asking you, by the sounds of it.

Lets go back to the start of this.

"My dh and i moved into my PILs house to help look after them alongside dh sister." How much discussion did you and your husband have about this? How much did you expect to be involved?

I'm a cynical old witch, but how materialistic is your husband? You mention your SIL lives in one of your FILs properties (and now so do you/DH), is it fair to say FIL's got money? Money which SHOULD be getting spent on carers to meet FILs needs, but money that your husband and his sister would rather inherit?

You need to sit and talk this through, all of you - your husband, his sister, you and FIL. What needs to be done, and how many people it takes to do it. None of this 'DH decides' and you meekly do his bidding.

apriljune12 · 18/08/2018 17:17

hmc and puzzled

Flowers for your kind words.

Op I don’t think I have been on an aibu thread where everyone agrees.

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 17:58

Those pointing out that Carer’s Allowance is a pittance aren’t factoring in the house that SIL occupies rent-free

We have but rent- free + £85pw is a not fair wage.

We have asked OP to clarify what money SIL receives, but OP hasn't been back.

I suspect OP and her DH are taking the piss with SIL and she has gone on strike.

HateIsNotGood · 18/08/2018 19:07

When did Carer's Allowance become £85pw?

gamerwidow · 18/08/2018 19:12

Those pointing out that Carer’s Allowance is a pittance aren’t factoring in the house that SIL occupies rent-free
Do we actually know if the OP is paying rent either as she is now living in the FIL house? There is nothing in the OP to say either way.

violets17 · 18/08/2018 19:32

A single person on CA gets approximately £450 pcm in their hand plus rent and council tax paid. UC tops up the CA to £c450.

HateIsNotGood · 18/08/2018 19:35

We don't know gamer I asked that very early on.

OP hasn't been back - but let's give her the benefit of the doubt for now - nearly all posters are agreeing that the situation now/and possible needs serious discussion. And that is probably what is happening.

SillySallySingsSongs · 18/08/2018 19:39

Do you pay any rent for living in your FIL's house with your family?

Good point.

HateIsNotGood · 18/08/2018 19:45

I get Carer's Allowance violet @ £64.60 pw. Full rate. There may well be other entitlements/benefits/support that the sister gets but we don't know. She certainly wouldn't be getting any HB as she doesn't pay rent.

But as a stand alone 'payment' - Carer's Allowance is £64.60. (not want to derail thread). Does she even get 'Carers'? - her parents might be the ones paying the Dsis to care for them. we don't know.

violets17 · 18/08/2018 20:01

Hatels- also don't want to derail thread but I think OP is not around atm.

If someone has other income they get to keep the whole of the £64.60. If they are completely reliant on benefits it is £194.34 pcm of universal credit plus £64.60 pw. If not caring and uc is sole income then uc is £317.82 pcm. So someone reliant on benefits and caring does not get to keep the whole CA. Plus HB and CTB. Probably irrelevant to OP just saying those are the figures.

HateIsNotGood · 18/08/2018 20:30

Yes violet those are the figures for a certain set of circumstances and thank you. A pp stated that Carer's Allowance was £85pw and I was merely stating that it wasn't it's £64.60. I work pt also and if my earnings were to increase (which they have done before and should again hopefully) over a threshold (currently £120?) my Carer's Allowance would decrease - similar to the different circs you outlined above.

Severide08 · 18/08/2018 20:42

I work in care and between me and my sibling we both temporarily gave up work to care for my DF when he was palliative care with cancer .We did 2mths between my dad was up and about until the final two months .
We did have a care company come in four times a day to do my DF personal care and hospice nurses/carers twice a week. I did some of my DF's personal care inbetween the times of the carers and I did the five other nights.I
I won't lie it was very very hard both mentally and financially as the two months I was off work we only had DH wage coming in and I missed my DC's .But do I regret doing it ,No I don't. But expecting one person to do it I can well see how they would crack ,probably what has happen with OP sil.

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 08:31

Thank you all. Just to clarify. My dh and i moved to look after the pil and have been here for 4 yrs now. Mil has passed away a yr and half now. Sil has the early evenings and nearly all the weekends to herself. During that time my dh and i look after fil. Over the last 2 yrs we've asked sil to look fil for just 2 Sundays while we attend a wedding in my family. This is why all the bitching and sniping has really intensified. My dh and i don't respond to her comments as we understand that it can be stressful to look after sil. If I'm staying in, then I let sil know in case she wanted to leave early and she does take up the offer everytime. I understand sil feelings but jeez she's such a bitch. Some if the things she comes out with are just foul. I'll see how the sil and dh talk works out first. Thank you all for your advice

OP posts:
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