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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a ft carer for FIL

176 replies

Shouldershrugger · 18/08/2018 10:56

My dh and i moved into my PILs house to help look after them alongside dh sister. SIL is the main carer and dh helps out in the evening and weekends. I help out when I am available to. I work pt and have 3 children. Youngest one being 2 yrs old. Sil has been bitching about looking after her dad a lot lately and has been insinuating that she has been doing us a favour. She sods off every evening and every weekend. She gets paid for looking after her dad and her rent is excused as she lives in one of FILs property. Due to her bitching, griping and sniping at us lately, dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work. Fil requires all around the clock care. He's unable to do anything for himself. Apart from feeding himself. Everything else is done by us. Aibu to not want that responsibility full time? I'm happy to help out when I'm home, but I want to have the freedom to go out whenever I want. Am I being selfish? I feel like such a cow.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/08/2018 08:43

OP truthfully all of the bitching and sniping is a smokescreen to 2 things

  1. your FIL is at the stage HE needs professional care

  2. it’s probably a pattern in your relationship that you go along with him

SillySallySingsSongs · 19/08/2018 08:44

You still haven't answered as to whether you pay rent!

gamerwidow · 19/08/2018 08:52

There’s nothing wrong with you not paying rent if that’s the case but it does mean that you and your SIL are getting the same ‘benefits’ out of the arrangement. Nb I use the word ‘benefits’ loosely because this situation isn’t great for anyone.

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 08:54

Fil has a carer that comes in every morning to shower, dress and get him ready for the day. Dh and I do fils brekki and meds and put him back to bed 2 to 3 mornings a week so sil can have a lie in. We also have an extra person that comes to take fil out about 4 to 5 times a week and sil goes and does her own thing and then normally I or dh take over when fil gets back. I know, I sound resentful towards sil. I am if I'm being honest. I can't forget the horrible things that were said about me. She and my other sil called me lazy for not helping out with anything for 10 days after the birth of my ds. That wasn't the worst of it either. My dh doesn't pay rent but that was on the insistence of fil when he had all his faculties. But dh pays for the bills and household costs and looks after all of fil business. And no, he doesn't get paid for that. We'll see what happens. But I will stress to dh my feelings. You guys are right, it's up to dh to sort out arrangements that do not include me.

OP posts:
flowery · 19/08/2018 08:56

”dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself.”

But when he told you he was going to tell her that, what was your response?!

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 09:01

Flowery.... I was taken aback to be honest. I was waiting for him to tell him more where he wouldn't depend on me to take over. Dh offered to do fils brekki, meds and put him to bed before going work. I don't mind doing dinners as I cook nearly evening anyway. But during the day time I take my ds out, do my own thing. It sounds pretty crap when I actually sat it aloud

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 09:04

Sorry ladies, I was at work yesterday. I think I've filled in the gaps. Apologies if not

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 09:18

Hi OP, with your updates it does sound like SIL gets plenty of time off from caring and you help too. Why doesn't DH's other sister help with caring for SIL?

Also, how much does SIL get paid for caring for FIL?

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 09:19

Caring for FIL sorry

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/08/2018 09:22

So you don’t pay rent, like your SIL.

You cover all living costs, (which you would have to do if living in your own home), presumably so does your SIL.

You didn’t respond to what your SIL gets paid or the Carer’s allowance point. Are you perhaps not in the UK?

So far it does seem like you (as a couple) are doing less than she is.

Since you’re already getting help in what’s stopping you increasing the hours they do so that everyone gets more of a break? There’s no reason why the extra burden should fall on you.

I’m struggling to see why he hasn’t gone for the most obvious solution, which is to pay for more care. It sounds like FIL has funds and assets which would cover this.

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 09:29

I think sil gets £65. But I've only heard her mention it. Never asked her. The other sil flat out refused to help. She didn't even visit her dying mother the last yr she was with us. Just because we live in the family, does that mean I have to automatically become a carer for fil? All 4 of FILs children got a property each in the will. We happen to live in the one that is to be inherited by dh. But the other 2 are nowhere to be seen.

OP posts:
genivert · 19/08/2018 09:30

The family needs to work out a sustainable care plan that's fair for fil's needs (and that's paying rent to him, if reasonable, so he can find it!).

Your Marital problem is another battle, one which is harder to fix... Why did your DH effectively offer up your life as a caretr without consultation or considering the long term Sustainability with fil or you and DCs?

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 09:31

Sils car insurance, utility bills and home maintenance bills are all covered by fil.

OP posts:
genivert · 19/08/2018 09:34

Also, OP I don't wish to be unkind but no one should be obliged to be a full time carer.

Your sil is entirely entitled to live her own life.

Don't pressure her it the absent sil to do more.

Your targeting the wrong people. Why does your DH get to work outside the home and help in his spare time whilst the silx2 are expected to give up their lives here?

Can't you see the double standard?

Caring us exhausting, physically difficult, emotionally challenging, and inappropriate (safety/if the caring is begrudged in many cases.

You're confusing the real problem of no proper long term care plan with temporary sticking plaster solutions.

Biologifemini · 19/08/2018 09:34

Get a full time nurse.
And move out.

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 09:40

Genivert... I'm going to speak to dh to get a carer a few times a week.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/08/2018 09:47

The crux of it is: your DP does not have the right to tell you that you will be FIL‘s carer. You‘re not his servant to be told what to do.

Professional help is the way to go. Not this automatic assumption that the women of the family will jump in.

dinosaurkisses · 19/08/2018 10:00

Surely if you’re not playing rent or a mortgage and DH and you are both working (albeit not full time) there should be a decent chunk of disposable income there which could partly be used to cover more carers?

That’s without even approaching the other siblings- they might be unwilling to weigh in now, but a quick “Hey, we need to talk about Dad- we’re looking at selling one of the properties to fund his long term care.” would quickly get them out of the blocks to discuss things in order to protect their inheritance.

I feel very sorry for your FIL- he’s obviously done fairly well in life and probably thought he’d have no issue paying for care if he needed it. Now it’s come to it, because he’s promised away his properties, his children think they’re already their assets to protect.

Lollypop701 · 19/08/2018 10:13

Op you are doing ok looking after fil, if sil doesn’t want to provide care that’s her decision but she then has to pay her own way. I understand your dh wanting to get rid of her help tbh, as she is just causing friction. You can then claim the £65 a week, plus her expenses, to pay for extra care. Was sil involved when mil was alive? I take it that fil has money, so your dh needs to sit down with all siblings and tell them the cost of full time care etc and this is coming of the fil pot. Care is expensive. Once his pot is empty then they all have to chip in financially, your family less so are you are providing some of the care.

Original poster
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 10:23

Sil and I both looked after mil. I'm used to looking after fil now. His anatomy doesn't embarrass me anymore. Bless him.

My personal feelings towards sil don't prevent me from helping her with fil. I see how exhausting it can be for her.

My dh doesn't have the right to dictate my time. But he can rely on me for the occasional times I have to step in.

I just needed reassurance that I wasn't a horrid person for being irked a bit. So thanks all. Hopefully the situation will be resolved fairly for all. Have a lovely day all xxx

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 10:23

How long has SIL been caring for him?

If she does stop, she shouldn't expect FIL to continue to pay her bills, insurance etc.

gamerwidow · 19/08/2018 10:26

No body gets anything from a will unless the person is actually dead. Those properties do not belong to your DH and his siblings.
You need to all get together and decide how to use FIL's assets now to pay for his care instead of worrying about what you might have all been promised when the circumstances were different.

Seaweed42 · 19/08/2018 10:37

Sometimes in these circumstances, it is better to get someone to act as a mediator to discuss things between you in relation to your FILs care. Emotions are always running high. If there was a family friend who might do that, you might find it useful. Also, don't use texts and emails to communicate with SIL as things come across rude and abrupt when they aren't meant to be. Similarly, in emails and text people are often ruder and more agressive than when the person is in front of them.

FishesThatFly · 19/08/2018 11:39

So... if DH does breakfast and you do dinner. Carers come and wash and dress. Plus he is taken out by others nearly every day...... what exactly does SIL actually do??

mickeysminnie · 19/08/2018 11:59

Your sil does not have to remain as your fil's carer if she doesn't want to.
However that doesn't mean that you have to take up on that role either. If there are 4 properties owned by your fil there is plenty of assets available to fund his care.
For those suggesting that your sil should now not habe her bills etc paid for... Christ, she has been a carer for her parents for years, give her a break.
Why should the other two siblings get their property with no intention of helping out?
I would tell the other siblings that more care is needed and they either pay for the extra care or one or both of "their" properties needs to be sold to fund it.