To not want to be a ft carer for FIL

[Shouldershrugger]

My dh and i moved into my PILs house to help look after them alongside dh sister. SIL is the main carer and dh helps out in the evening and weekends. I help out when I am available to. I work pt and have 3 children. Youngest one being 2 yrs old. Sil has been bitching about looking after her dad a lot lately and has been insinuating that she has been doing us a favour. She sods off every evening and every weekend. She gets paid for looking after her dad and her rent is excused as she lives in one of FILs property. Due to her bitching, griping and sniping at us lately, dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work. Fil requires all around the clock care. He's unable to do anything for himself. Apart from feeding himself. Everything else is done by us. Aibu to not want that responsibility full time? I'm happy to help out when I'm home, but I want to have the freedom to go out whenever I want. Am I being selfish? I feel like such a cow.

Tell your DH to piss off. I would not be a carer for any parent-in-law, fuck that. I wouldn't even be a carer for my OWN parents.

And yes, I DID just say that.

And no, I WON'T expect any young adult child of mine to be my carer either.

I don't think any adult with their own home and family and career and responsibilities and commitments, should be having be a carer for an infirm elderly parents (or parents in law.) I would be happy to help out when I can, but be a full-time carer on top of life's other many commitments? No.

And as many people have pointed out, the work of CARING for people in the family, and being a carer in general ALWAYS falls to the women in the family!

hmc - I didn't mean to offend about care homes, sorry.

I'm perhaps too caught up in what we are going through atm with DF where he is adamant he does not want to go into a home. Atm we are almost managing and with the upcoming help of SS and more paid help we should be able to keep him at home which is what we all want. If it gets worse or things become unsafe we will have to look at residential options too.

ShumpaLumpa - what would you suggest? Genuine question. It's my DS (son - aged 28) who is the official carer. My sister and I are trying to spare him doing more than 35 hours a week which is what DWP says people must do to qualify for CA. My sister and are do the rest between us. We are imminently about to get help from SS and engage other help too using DF's Attendance Allowance.

My point really was that OP's SIL should be able to have her evenings and weekends to herself despite being the official carer.

A little sensitivity please for those of us with relatives in care homes. They are not all shady as shit

Thank you @hmcAsWas

My DM is in a care home because she has severe dementia. She lived with us until her needs were too much for us to manage. The decision to "put her into a home" was heartbreaking but we chose carefully and the care she receives is far superior to anything I could provide. She still sees me nearly every day, but in the meantime she is never alone, and is surrounded by lovely carers who keep her clean, fed and entertained.

My 'inheritance' is gone but who cares? My DM is comfortable and safe, which is a damn sight more than can be said for a lot of elderly people struggling on in their own homes, with or without visiting care.

myimaginarycat - that is really good to hear about your DM's care home. People don't often talk about good experiences with care homes and it's nice to hear. Perhaps bad experiences get more airplay and affect perception.

Violets17 - who does your son live with? (So I mistook DS for sister).

It sounds like you're already going to address things by employing professional carers. And if your DS is happy to care for his grandfather than that's to be admired, especially as care often falls to the women in the family. It may also be physically easier for DS to provide the care.

I think if I was 28 and had to put my own career, pension, marriage etc on hold to be a full time, I would have struggled not to be resentful.

If you and your sister are working, I would put some money into savings each month for DS or give him the money each month. And if there is an inheritance, DS should be recognised for the sacrifice he made in his own life to care for his DGF.

But as I said, I appreciate you're doing your best in a tough situation, and you know your son and family situation best.

@violets17 I think we are very lucky where we live (popular retirement area) in terms of provision. My DM, like anybody would be, had her mind set against it, and it was a forced period of respite care that broke the deadlock. Once there she loved it and wanted to stay. It helps that I am a regular visitor and can keep an eye on things.

Sorry OP, don't want to derail your thread.

Just to add, if dementia is in the mix it really is a game changer. Safety of the individual, and the people around them, becomes a major factor. If you aren't dealing with this at the moment, you could be before you know it. Honestly, from the sound of it, professional help is the way to go.

If your sil is actually being paid ( ie paid a working carers rate of pay) then why can't another carer be paid to do it.
If you mean she gets carers allowance but is now finding that role to difficult then you need to look at making different arrangements for his care which may be residential care.

Shumpa - DS has his own flat and lives alone. He has been caring for DGF for about 6 months (as in being on CA) and is adamant that he wants to do it as he adores his DGF.

It is also easier for him and DF being both males and DS being younger and stronger than us. I don't want him to do it for too much longer though and we are going to get professionals in. Sister and I have agreed that the inheritance should skip the two of us altogether.

Yes, DH was wrong to "volunteer" you without full discussion first
Yes, SIL is NBU to want a break (though her "free housing" might complicate things)
Yes, FIL will almost certainly need paid carers in order to resolve this

But will he accept them when he's used to the family running round after him instead ... and will DH/SIL accept them due to the cost?

To my mind, the mistake was moving in without thrashing this out first, but I agree with PPs that the only thing to do now is sit everyone down for a proper discussion of what's going to be done ... and if that eventually means moving back out yourselves, so be it

Moving in with 3 DC of your own was a bad idea to begin with tbh.

Absolutely don't do it OP. Agree it's about preserving DH and SIL inheritance

You have lots of great ideas here of how to implement FT care without it being you OP.

I love my FIL but would not be happy being a FT carer for him (or anyone actually!).

You need to sit down with DH & SIL and discuss a way forward. Or explain to DH your feelings and then have them create a plan

Violets - no worries. It just stuck a nerve (and I was oversensitive) because there is a lot of guilt involved in placing a loved one in a care home setting. Thanks for understanding

Imaginarycats - I know exactly where you are coming from. DM has vascular dementia too, coupled with febrility and weakness due to heart failure. Poor old dad was barely coping. She's well looked after in her nursing home and they put a lot of effort into entertainment and stimulation as well as physical care. DF visits her every day for a couple of hours - he times it for lunch time and the staff give him a meal too

YANBU - I ended up as carer to my DH grandma a few years ago. Every time something came up all my experience of care and caring for her was completely ignored, she ended up in hospital for 2 weeks with severe UTI (they're alot more dangerous in elderly women, particularly mixed with dementia) because they would not listen. She's now in a home and I have to ask their permission to go and see her. I the person who knew more about her needs than they, who did all the ground work now have to be chaperoned in by my MIL. These things will never be forgotten and this kind of thing can damage relationships with family members.

Hire in outside carers, I wish I knew the area you live in as I might be able to recommend some companies. Contact social services (who will no doubt say what a fabulous job you've all been doing but now it's time to hand the reigns over.) Keep your FIL at home as long as you all feel able, but have the extra help.

Flowers to you x

hMcAsWas

You could be describing my mum and my dad is just about coping but it’s tsking a huge toll on his health. I support as much as I can but I can see a time coming when she may need to go into care. I feel awful saying this but I hope she slips away soon before she looses more of her dignity and takes dad down with her.

@apriljune12 if it's any comfort, a good care home will have maintaining dignity very high on its agenda.

If you mean she gets carer's allowance when you say that she is 'paid to look after him', you are aware that's a pittance aren't you? She is well within her rights to want some help from the rest of the family.

It sounds as if your DH wants family care for his father rather than putting him in a home. In some cultures, the idea of putting an elder member of the family into a home is absolute anathema, and he may be from one of those cultural backgrounds. Therefore, there are different options if your SIL doesn't want to do it:

1. You could do it as you don't work full-time
2. Your DH could give up work and do it, while you go back to work

Which of these seems preferable? It doesn't have to be the woman who is the carer, and you shouldn't do it if you won't want to - but then you'd have to bring the wage in.

Myimaginarycathasflees*

Thankyou that’s good to know.

Yes but the cultural norm of that usually means women are expected to do the caring work. You can’t do that op with 3 small children. It’s impossible.

Agree it's about preserving DH and SIL inheritance

Maybe, maybe not - OP hasn't been back yet to tell us - but if SIL lives rent free in "one of his properties", surely that could be sold to fund paid care and still leave a pretty decent inheritance?

Unless of course this is the only extra property and it's the one SIL is living in ... in which case I imagine she'd have views about it being sold!!

I feel awful saying this but I hope she slips away soon before she looses more of her dignity and takes dad down with her

I don't think you need to feel awful at all, apriljune Obviously I don't know your mum's situation so this isn't meant personally, but I've sometimes wondered if today's drive to keep people going at all costs is the right path to take. The kind of illnesses which would once have allowed seniors to slip gently away in their own good time are now treated aggressively, and this can have many implications beyond the merely medical

@ammicissima

Whenever I hear someone is determined not to go into a home I hear that someone is determined that someone close to them (generally with XX chromosomes) will be expected to sacrifice herself for that person's lifestyle choice.

This... ^

I don't know why (some) men think they have the right to automatically volunteer their wives for care work and generally drudgery. FGS, as if women don't have enough of this in their lives at it is!!!

My DH had the habit of doing shit like this during the first 10 years of our marriage, until he got a number of short shrifts from me, and knew I wasn't going to tolerate it.

He once volunteered me to take his cousin's son to school (as her working hours changed and she had to start at 8.30am instead of 9.30am.)

So he said I would go fetch him from her house at 7.30am, and do his breakfast, (so she would have more time to herself to get ready for work) and then take him to school for 9am!

I worked from midday to 7pm, four weekdays a week at the time, and he volunteered me, as I had 'nothing to do in the mornings...'

I did of course say 'NO,' and he was really . He said 'WTF am I meant to say to her now? She is depending on you now.'

'Not my fucking problem' I said! It took a few years, but he eventually realised that I was no mug.

In addition, a woman who lives near me (aged 77,) can barely do ANYthing for herself, but she flat out refuses to go into a care home.

I mean she cannot bathe herself, she cannot cook for herself, she cannot get upstairs herself, (or back down,) she cannot dress herself, and she needs FIVE carers a day to visit her... to get her up (at 8am,) and put her back to bed again (at 9pm,) and bathe her and cook for her...

Also, she has regular appointments at clinics and doctors and hospitals, (like at LEAST once a week!) and her daughter - aged 53 who has 2 teenagers, and a job of her own, and a home of her own, is ALWAYS the one doing all the running around. The carers see to her mother's personal needs, but she has to do her shopping, and her housework... She has THREE brothers, one who doesn't even have kids, and they never lift a FINGER to help their mother.

Womens work innit?