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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a ft carer for FIL

176 replies

Shouldershrugger · 18/08/2018 10:56

My dh and i moved into my PILs house to help look after them alongside dh sister. SIL is the main carer and dh helps out in the evening and weekends. I help out when I am available to. I work pt and have 3 children. Youngest one being 2 yrs old. Sil has been bitching about looking after her dad a lot lately and has been insinuating that she has been doing us a favour. She sods off every evening and every weekend. She gets paid for looking after her dad and her rent is excused as she lives in one of FILs property. Due to her bitching, griping and sniping at us lately, dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work. Fil requires all around the clock care. He's unable to do anything for himself. Apart from feeding himself. Everything else is done by us. Aibu to not want that responsibility full time? I'm happy to help out when I'm home, but I want to have the freedom to go out whenever I want. Am I being selfish? I feel like such a cow.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2018 11:24

And yes, by you moving in to help give care, SIL was bound to expect to do less. Surely that was the point?

Munchyseeds · 18/08/2018 11:25

Don't get involved, you have enough to do with 3 children
The time has come to either arrange paid care at home or residential care for FIL

NoSquirrels · 18/08/2018 11:25

How does your DH even think this is a workable plan? He works, you work, between you you have young DC requiring full-on attention- neither of you are available to replace your SIL as FT carer!

LagunaBubbles · 18/08/2018 11:27

No you're not being selfish so don't let anyone guilt trip you.

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2018 11:27

Why doesn't he have professional carers?

I don't blame anyone for not wanting to do it.

BigBlueBubble · 18/08/2018 11:27

If SIL is no longer looking after FIL her money for looking after him needs to be stopped and she has to pay rent. You can use that money to pay for the care he needs when your DH is at work.

Also your DH is being unreasonable by saying he’s capable of looking after FIL himself when he clearly isn’t because he has to go to work. If FIL is completely incapable of looking after himself and needs 24/7 care then perhaps he should be in a residential home?

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 11:27

But SIL is doing less care because OP and DH are doing it every weekend.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 18/08/2018 11:27

That means me looking after fil when dh is at work.

No, it means his finding someone to do the caring when he is at work.

Do not agree to anything else.

dinosaurkisses · 18/08/2018 11:28

Oh ffs, another thread where the women are left to do the donkey work while the men “manage” things.

Put your foot down now op and insist that a discussion is held to produce a long term plan for your FILs care- whether than is a care Home, carers or SIL.

Otherwise, this could be your life for the next 10 + years.

NoSquirrels · 18/08/2018 11:29

And if the agreement was you all moved in (a whole extra family) in order to provide care on evenings and weekends to help SIL, then if I were her I’d “sod off every weekend and evening” too.

Because that was the point of you moving in.

Knittedfairies · 18/08/2018 11:30

You do need to sit down and (try to) have a calm discussion about how best to meet your FIL’s needs and how it is to be funded. Caring at this level isn’t easy, and is made even harder when undertaken by a family member as the relationship changes. You may need outside help.

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 11:31

It sounds like a stressful situation for everyone.

Has SIL given up a career to be a full time carer to her father?

Who pays her carer salary? Who owns the house she lives in?

Do you and DH pay rent to your FIL?

When you say DH 'helps out' what does this mean? Does he do as much as SIL does when she cares for her dad?

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 11:34

NoSquirrels

And if the agreement was you all moved in (a whole extra family) in order to provide care on evenings and weekends to help SIL, then if I were her I’d “sod off every weekend and evening” too.

Because that was the point of you moving in.

Probably fairer for OP to take care of DC and DH take care of FIL, especially if FIL needs help going to the loo and bathing etc or nappies.

InfiniteVariety · 18/08/2018 11:36

Your DH cannot propose a new arrangement that involves any sort of commitment from you without first discussing it with you properly. And in that discussion you are entirely within your rights to say NO.
It is not your father.

Your DH & SIL must come to some arrangement between them.
I have a horrible feeling the point of moving in was that all this should be dumped on you.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 18/08/2018 11:36

Ask your H one question:

If you are planning to tell SIL that you will take over FIL's care, what are we going to do financially because it will mean giving up your job?

If he says that he intends to carry on working, then innocently ask him how he's going to care for FIL whilst he's at work. If he says that he thought you would do it, then point out that what he actually means is that SIL doesn't need to do it any more because he's going to volunteer you to do it without even asking how you feel about it.

Don't do it. And I say that as someone who has parents who need considerable additional care. Professionals are involved because neither me nor my sibling can give them the round the clock support that they need.

TBH if your FIL cannot do anything alone then it is perhaps time to look at a nursing home.

MumW · 18/08/2018 11:37

What Gazelda says.

It's fair enough that SIL has had enough. Sit down and have a discussion. If SIL is no longer full-time carer then she stops getting paid and starts paying rent. That money then gets used for some professional help. I realise it isn't quite as black and white as that but it's a starting point for discussions.

I would absolutely support my in-laws but definitely would not become full-time carer, full stop, no negotiation and especially not if I'd been volunteered by default without any consultation.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/08/2018 11:37

This isn't another one of those "preserving the inheritance" threads is it?

I'm surprised you didn't see this coming. You definitely shouldn't agree to taking on his care during the day, his needs will increase as will the demands on his time.

It's not clear what financial contribution you're making to the home. Did you buy it off FIL? Are you paying rent? Or are you living there on the same terms as your SIL, ie rent free?

I suspect when you say your SIL is paid to look after him you mean she is getting Carer's Allowance. £64.60 per week. No wonder she sods off every evening and every weekend.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/08/2018 11:38

sorry, demands on YOUR time!

blueskiesandforests · 18/08/2018 11:38

If fil hast multiple properties as you imply in your openning post, then selling one and using the proceeds to pay a professional live in carer sounds very doable. Family will still need to pick up when carer has their days off, holiday and outside their perking hours, but local authority home visits might also be an option on top of privately funded carer.

YANBU at all and your DH is to make himself the Hero stepping in to the breach but actually thinking he can delegate the life changing share of the work to you without your full consent.

Pay for outside care by selling one of fils properties (not the one he lives in, obviously).

HoleyCoMoley · 18/08/2018 11:38

Did you all move In with him to be his full time carers, if so then you need to sit down and work out a Rota, if he's in the u.k then he should be claiming attendance allowance and carers allowance. If you're all finding it too much to look after him you can ask for a community needs assessment from social services, he can have carers in and any equipment he might need. You would all have the pressure taken off and be able to spend quality time with him, just helping out when the carers are not there. Alternatively if he needs round the clock care would he be happier in a carehome.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 18/08/2018 11:39

I’ve been in this situation. It was very stressful and it has now triggered an illness with me because of it. I don’t regret looking after the relative I loved her like my own and she treated me like her own too. However I did not take into account the impact on me.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 18/08/2018 11:43

If, after talking with your dh, he still tells dsil she doesn't need to do any caring for dfil, then it will be up to dh to organise care when he is not available i.e. at work, evening out, away on business. You could be one of his 'options' for care, maybe once or twice a week if you wanted, but not every day, he'd have to get carers in for whenever he wasn't available to do it.

The other thing he needs to think about are evenings and weekends, he can't go from 'helping out' his dsis in the evenings and weekends to doing it all. He will very quickly burn out after doing full days at work then caring for dfil and having a family to spend time with. It also affects you and your dcs as there will be no family time, you will have to pick up the slack with whatever he won't be there to do with/for your dcs, no weekends out without sorting out carers etc. It will impact his time with you and the dcs, it needs to be a decision you make together, looking at the ways it will impact him, you and your dcs.

It is not a big responsibility to be taking on, it is a massive responsibility for him to take it on by himself, I don't think he realises exactly how much of a difference it will make to him and you to go from helping look after his dad to being sole carer.

dinosaurkisses · 18/08/2018 11:43

“This isn't another one of those "preserving the inheritance" threads is it?”

That’s exactly what it is.

hmcAsWas · 18/08/2018 11:48

My mother is in full time nursing home care because my father couldn't manage any longer and we (the adult 'children') are many miles away. Yes its eroding their life time savings - but you just have to suck it up and do what is right for the person with the additional care needs. It won't really impact on mum or dad but will impact on us with less to inherit - we don't care! ...that's not important.

Time to sell one of FILs properties....

Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 11:52

That's a bit cynical, isn't it dinosaur? No one's mentioned inheritance, and given the choice, I'm sure dfil would prefer to live at home rather than in God's Waiting Room (care home).

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