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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be a ft carer for FIL

176 replies

Shouldershrugger · 18/08/2018 10:56

My dh and i moved into my PILs house to help look after them alongside dh sister. SIL is the main carer and dh helps out in the evening and weekends. I help out when I am available to. I work pt and have 3 children. Youngest one being 2 yrs old. Sil has been bitching about looking after her dad a lot lately and has been insinuating that she has been doing us a favour. She sods off every evening and every weekend. She gets paid for looking after her dad and her rent is excused as she lives in one of FILs property. Due to her bitching, griping and sniping at us lately, dh is going to talk to her and let her know that if she wants, she no longer needs to look after their dad and he would be capable of doing so himself. That means me looking after fil when dh is at work. Fil requires all around the clock care. He's unable to do anything for himself. Apart from feeding himself. Everything else is done by us. Aibu to not want that responsibility full time? I'm happy to help out when I'm home, but I want to have the freedom to go out whenever I want. Am I being selfish? I feel like such a cow.

OP posts:

BikingBeatrix · 18/08/2018 11:53

He’s got more than one House? At least one has to sold to finance care. You didn’t sign up to be his ft carer, though tbf neither did sil. Even if she continues, a new financial plan has toinclude her down time too. Being a ft sole carer is very hard work.

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 11:53

If Op and DH are living rent free in FIL's house, DH may expect OP to leave her job as they may manage on DH's salary.

Don't do it, OP. You'd be working flat out to safeguard DH's and SIL's inheritance. If you and DH split, you won't necessarily be entitled to a share.

Onthebrink87 · 18/08/2018 11:54

Putting yourself, your husband and SIL aside - ask him to think about his father! Would he be happy with you tending to his personal needs? Will he not pick up on people's reluctance to care for him? Just because people become physically dependant does not mean their dignity should be bypassed! I work in health and social care and have done extensive training in person centred dementia care. I love my job and the people I care for can tell and it has a huge impact on their mental health! So personally I think it would be best for everyone if external help was involved! Takes pressure off family who can in turn enjoy being family rather than feel like a carer and reduces the FIL sense of being a burden. If your SIL is getting paid and not having rent to pay - it sounds like it could be easily afforded! A lot of us work for minimum wage so money would probably be saved! X

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2018 11:58

I think your sil is perhaps fulfilling her role as carer if you look at it as salaried post. She can’t have it all ways however. Rent free plus income plus very few hours then you and your dh doing all the rest is not on. I agree with pps. If your dh wants your sil to stop, he is the one, who needs to step up.

trulybadlydeeply · 18/08/2018 12:01

You're not being selfish, but neither is your SIL. I assume she has done mon-fri all day every day, with your DH, as you say, helping in the evenings and at weekends. However if your DH wants to look after him full time, then he is going to have to give up work.

What professionals are involved in your FIL's care? If his needs are principally health related, then he needs an assessment for continuing care - you can request this. If he owns at least two properties, he will not qualify for support from SS, however getting them involved and doing an assessment will help highlight services available, and you can also request carers assessments.

Has he had a capacity assessment around where he lives? If he has capacity about this decision, then he can chose to stay in his own home, however you have the choice about whether you can all safely maintain caring for him. If he is assessed as lacking capacity around this decision, then who makes that decision for him will depend on whether one of you has LPA for health and welfare. If no-one does, then a social worker will decide if he is safe to continue living at home, and it may be decided that he needs to move to residential/nursing care, in which case he will have to fund this. Regardless, he clearly has considerable means (at least two houses...) and therefore there is no reason why he can't pay for care.

dinosaurkisses · 18/08/2018 12:03

@Singlenotsingle , I’m maybe a bit cynical but whenever there’s a multitude of care options available on the basis that it’s paid for by the service user, I’m a bit that the OP’s husband hasn’t even considered even a minimal amount of help from a professional carer that would both allow FIL to stay at home but alleviate some of the pressure on his sister.

NoSquirrels · 18/08/2018 12:06

@ShunpaLumpa yes, absolutely OP should stick with current arrangement of caring for DC whilst DH cares for his DF when they’re not at work. I meant a plural “you” i.e. it’s not unfair of SIL to down tools every evening & weekend if that was the arrangement that OP’s family would move in to provide evening & weekend care - “you” the family (OP & DH) agreed to this.

All in all none of it sounds terrifically well thought out - no one is getting a great deal and it’s probably time for a new solution involving some outside support.

SlothSlothSloth · 18/08/2018 12:06

YANBU to say no to it and any sensible person would. Your husband is absolutely thoughtless (and sexist tbh) to volunteer you for this. However, you also sound completely lacking in empathy towards your SIL. If you don’t want to do it, can you not understand why she doesn’t?

You need to hire someone to help with this, or your husband needs to go part-time.

I would also be thinking of your own parents. If they are still alive you could end up caring for them. Many women do end up trapped in this cycle of caring in middle age. Caring for his dad is really your DH’s responsibility first and foremost.

BewareOfDragons · 18/08/2018 12:06

Your DH is out of order. He can't make this decision on his own and expect you to pick up the care for his father, which is what he's doing.

You need to sit down with SIL and discuss what's reasonable, what isn't, and who is doing what. Perhaps he needs to go into care. SIL will be opposed, because she probably wants to live rent free and not care for him either. His properties may need to be start being sold to provide care for him, which will affect all of you. But if you don't want to give up your jobs and decent incomes and provide the care yourselves, that will need to be done.

SIl at the very least needs to start paying market rent if she's not going to provide care for her father; his properties need to pay for themselves. She can't have it both ways. And she can't dump every weekend and evening on you either if she reverses course and says she'll 'help' again.

I think you need to bring in professionals.

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 12:08

I tend to agree, dinosaurkisses

It's not clear whether OP is referring to the pittance a carer's allowance receives or a proper salary (adjusted for SIL living rent free in one of FIL's houses).

violets17 · 18/08/2018 12:08

We (as a family) are caring for my DF. My DS (aged 28) is officially his carer and receives carer's allowance - for this he is expected to provide 35 hours a week of care (of course he does far more). A week is 168 hours so that leaves a lot unaccounted for. My sister and I are trying hard to fill all the other hours but all 3 of us are exhausted. We are now getting DF assessed for help to come in and wash, dress and shower him and then do the reverse putting him to bed. DF doesn't really want strangers around but we are all hanging with exhaustion and DSis and I are trying hard to keep my DS's hours down to more like 35 hours. We are going to use some of DF's money to employ people too. I'm not surprised that your SIL is exhausted and she probably needs to rest on evenings and weekends. Caring for an adult full time is huge and accepting help from SS is not the same as putting him in a home.

gamerwidow · 18/08/2018 12:10

To be fair this is an awful situation for everyone involved. I can understand why your SIL has had enough. It’s easy to underestimate just how hard being a carer is and if she’s caring all day I’m not surprised she is disappearing in the evenings and at weekends. Yes she’s getting paid but no other job expects your hours to be 24/7. I can also see how hard it is for you and your DH to have all your family time eaten into by your DHs caring responsibilities and why you don’t want to take on the role of carer. You really need to get outside help. Yes it probably will eat up any inheritance you have but it’s the only way to protect everyone’s sanity and get your PIL the care he needs.

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 12:12

@NoSquirrels completely agree. There does seem to be resentment from OP that SIL 'sods off every evening and weekend'. SIL needs a break too!

But then it's also tough on DH to be on point every weekend and weekend. Professional carers are needed.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 18/08/2018 12:15

Too much for someone with no kids, no outside and no financial responsibilities and who is related, but not too much for you?

Fuck that. Say no. This isn’t happening. I am not joking when I say I would move out before letting that happen. I’m not an uncaring person but I can’t think of anything more excruciating than to have to do personal care for my FIL.

yousignup · 18/08/2018 12:15

Nonononono, please don't agree to this. Poor FIL, but please don't be guilted or tricked into this.

123fushia · 18/08/2018 12:15

How difficult for you. This situation is not going to get any better or easier and it is probably time for a family meeting to discuss getting some more help. Being a career is draining and you all sound as though you need a break. There are a few of you to do the jobs but that is still relentless, and it is important to look after each other too. Your GP should be able to direct you to support services, which will involve an assessment of needs. You have enough to do with 3 children to care for. X

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 12:16

Violets17

My DS (aged 28) is officially his carer and receives carer's allowance - for this he is expected to provide 35 hours a week of care (of course he does far more). A week is 168 hours so that leaves a lot unaccounted for.

Appreciate you're try your best in a tough situation but it's not fair your sister is a full time carer for £85 per week.

Is there anyway you and your other sister can ensure she is recognised for this sacrifice? Do you and your other sister work full time? Or is there more to this?

hmcAsWas · 18/08/2018 12:17

"Caring for an adult full time is huge and accepting help from SS is not the same as putting him in a home."

A little sensitivity please for those of us with relatives in care homes. They are not all shady as shit

SnuggyBuggy · 18/08/2018 12:20

You need to move out, this clearly isn't working and your kids need to take priority. It sounds like your DFil would be better having his needs properly assessed.

LeftRightCentre · 18/08/2018 12:20

given the choice, I'm sure dfil would prefer to live at home rather than in God's Waiting Room (care home).

Then they need to pay professionals to care for him. The SIL doesn't want to do it anymore (and it was unrealistic to expect your SIL to do all the care), the DH can't because he works and the OP can't because she has a PT job, 3 kids and doesn't want to be his carer.

Your H cannot order you to do this, OP.

But where you all went foul was moving in with them.

Stand on your own two feet and rent your own place.

Why isn't selling one of his properties and paying for care an option?

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2018 12:25

hmc
I don’t think that was a criticism of people, who are unable or even unwilling to look after their relatives in care homes. I think it was more rationalising it for people feeling guilty. And yes, I understand the difference through personal experience. No point being offended at everything.

hmcAsWas · 18/08/2018 12:29

I'm not being offended at everything Mummy. There was another reference on this thread to care homes being "God's own waiting room". I was merely asking for sensitivity towards those of us who have had to go down that route (and have agonised over whether it was the right thing)

Mayra1367 · 18/08/2018 12:30

Being a carer is a very hard , draining and often lonely job . It can also be a privilege to help relatives but the reality of the situation can be very hard. I can understand your sil position but you need to sit down with your husband and leave him in no doubt that you will not be able to take on this role . Then it’s up to him and his sister to decide on a way forward.

nellyolsenscurl · 18/08/2018 12:47

YANU to not want to be a FT carer but YABVU to talk about your SIL 'sodding off in evenings and weekends'. Carer's allowance is paltry and even if your SIL is living rent free this really doesn't IMO mean that she should be there 24/7.

More info is needed regarding your financial input (if any) into the house, I assume you and your DH moved in so that care could be shared between the two dc (SIL and DH) so your DH either needs to give up work to facilitate a 50:50 rota with SIL or he needs to pay someone to come in and make up his shortfall.

Sweetpea55 · 18/08/2018 12:56

This is absolutly not on,,,Did DH discuss what would happen when he is at work/? Or does he assume you will be doing the caring? And what happens if you have a dental appointment for example,,Or DC needs to go to the dr?
Dont let him assume you will be doing the caring all day every day, Youv got your own child to look after

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