I need to address this and will be asking for a CAMHS referral
I think you're doing the right think.
I put a time limit on phone access as indefinite, really punitive actions inflame him and cause him to spiral into more aggression and anxiety and he starts to say he wants to die. This makes me really get stressed. Please can you tell me what options or alternatives would be better for him?
I have a son who's 27 and severely autistic. He also has Tourettes syndrome, epilepsy that manifests itself if aggressio/violence towards himself and others, as well as additional mental health problems. He's never been to school. On looking at your last comment Im thinking the following -
I put a time limit on phone access as indefinite
Then how will he know when the consequence is going to end? In his mind it could be that its going to go on for a month of Sundays. ITs enough to cause upset to anyone.
really punitive actions inflame him and cause him to spiral into more aggression and anxiety and he starts to say he wants to die
Well of course they'll inflame him. Is there anyone who likes them? But how reacts whilst understandable isn't acceptable because the fact is that if he's still reacting aggressively when he's older you could have a 6 foot giant on the rampage with you on the receiving end of it. And thats if he reacts at home. What about outside?
And saying he wants to die? That could just be a very clever little boy who's manipulating his mum but at the same time it could be a boy with problems not understand whats going on and why he's being punished Do I think he actually wants to die? No I don't. But I do think its the worst thing he can think of so he uses it to articulate his thoughts and feelings.
Do I actually like the use of 'punishment' to correct someones behaviour? No, I absolutely hate it which is why I try to turn it around to praising/rewarding the good/acceptable things and only giving a consequence when there was no other way of handling something and I really did feel on my bones it was warranted and understood by my son (and his siblings)
Is it fair of us to expect certain things of our children NT or otherwise without helping them deal with their feelings? No it isn't, which is why your son needs outside help working out whats going on with his feelings, why they are happening, and how to deal with them?
Would it be possible for you to maybe give a 'punishment' for something like an hour and in that time get him to do something that he can be praised for at the end of it. So if you took his phone you could then say come and help me with such and such and then when the hour is up say, you were a great help, thank you so much, and then give the phone back. ITs a way to foster a feel good factor after a shitty situation but it will also mean his only good feeling isn't associated with getting his phone back. Im aware I may have explained that terribly.
Are there book out there you can read? Yep. But Im sure there's not enough hours in the day already and I really do believe that until you know just whats going on with your boy there's not much point in reading anything. Why read now when it may not be relevent to his particular problems?
If you did however want to read then the Jessica Kingsley publishing company have many many books you could read on how to help your son in the interim with his anger management.
I hope Ive made a half decent job of trying to explain all of this.