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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum gets annoyed when dad helps me financially

231 replies

Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 21:55

Aibu? I have a good job but occasionally he gives me a bit of money from their joint account to help with things. I’m mid 20s. They are very well off through sheer hard work and saving. They have always treated us and she’s not stingy per se but not careful than him :s

OP posts:
tinstar · 17/08/2018 00:39

"Money-grubbing"? Vicious indeed.

Of course the strong possibility that the OP's father no doubt gets pleasure from making these gifts is not worth considering...

NoSquirrels · 17/08/2018 00:41

I know because I ring my parents most days and it turns out my mum wasn’t speaking to him because of it. I offered to her to decline it/repay and she got very frosty

Did your dad tell you your mum wasn’t speaking to him due to this?

It sounds very much as if your dad is using you to take sides against your mum.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/08/2018 00:41

@bridgetreilly

He puts it in your account?! YABU. Why do your parents need access to your bank details at all.

This is just a straight-forward bank transfer, like an employer depositing your pay directly into your bank account. It doesn't mean he has any control over her account.

OP, I wonder if your parents have different attitudes re. when their children should benefit from their hard-earned cash. Perhaps your Dad thinks "give her a helping hand now when she needs it," whereas your Mum believes that not helping out will motivate you to make your own way in life (but you might inherit later)?

Neither attitude is inherently "wrong," but it would be better if they could come to an agreement - perhaps limit handouts to a certain sum p.a. - rather than getting annoyed after the fact.

Of course, if they're comfortably off, there's an argument for being generous now, as the inheritance tax threshold is fairly low.

NicknameMustbeBetween4and30Cha · 17/08/2018 00:42

  1. OP, have you ever been on mumsnet AIBU before? I assume not given how surprised you are to the OTT reactions. AIBU is all about OTT reactions. Adults accepting money from their parents is generally a big no-no here. Most prefer to take their children's money from them as "rent".

  2. You said previously that you don't know why your mum gets mad about it –presumably it's because her mindset is more like that of the people responding here. She doesn't think you should need their money. While your dad thinks it's not a big deal. Really it's their issue to resolve between one another. Even though I would take your dad's perspective, I wouldn't just keep doing it if it was pissing my OH off. I'd talk to them about it.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/08/2018 00:47
  • @QueenDoris *

How is her Dad being a mug? OK, he needs to sort it out with her Mum, but he just wants to be generous to his DD. Surely that's better than being a deadbeat or completely uninterested father?

We hear about plenty of those on MN!

SaintIrenie · 17/08/2018 00:52

Is there... jealousy... on this thread? Surely not it’s MN!

Megan2989 · 17/08/2018 01:04

I also help my daughter out for he same reasons, her dad gets annoyed too but quite honestly, I do not care.

She manages her money very well but does not have a lot of excess cash. I think its nice to treat her when i can afford to do so.

.. i wouldn't worry too much, if you're dad is giving it to you, then its his problem to sort out with mum.

thebewilderness · 17/08/2018 01:13

It sounds like he is doing it to annoy your mum. To put her in her place and show her she has no say.

Aridane · 17/08/2018 01:18

YANBU and you have a lovely father

MrGHardy · 17/08/2018 01:18

Always shocked at how British people deal with money. Like really, a joint account means you need to discuss everything first? And how little British parents support their children financially (re the bank of mum and dad type comments). Yes, yes this is a generalization, but after having lived there for almost a decade and talking to colleagues who noticed the same, I feel it is a fair one.

YANBU. If anything, it's your dad's problem not yours.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2018 01:22

Although it may be true that your parents are well set up for their day to day life, it may very well be that your mum is worried (rightly or wrongly) about when the day comes that one or both of them needs out of home care. The costs are exorbitant and even a couple with a good income can be drained trying to pay nursing home fees. Perhaps she's trying to build more (or conserve) savings for that.

DH and I have joint finances and our retirement incomes are just about equal. We've never been in the position where one of us wanted to give money to one of our DC and the other didn't. But I do think that both parties need to agree on expenditures, including money presents.

IhatetheArchers · 17/08/2018 01:26

Bizzare

ForeverDreaming · 17/08/2018 01:34

I don't think YABU. My kids are only little, but I intend to support them as much as I can, the same way that I have been supported by family.

You seem to be a responsible young woman, and I don't see a problem with your dad wanting to help/treat you to show you his love, as he can obviously afford it easily.

I have done the same with some relatives because we are better off, and thankfully my husband has never had a problem with it. On the contrary, he has always been pleased that we can help. Mind, my relatives are also hardworking and responsible young adults : )

We are not rich but I like to think that we are generous, and it gives us pleasure to share a bit of our good fortune. Just yesterday I transferred money to my sister's account to help her buy some furniture for her new house because I know their finances are really tight. She and her husband were very grateful and would have never asked for any help.

Sorry for the long post. I am often perplexed about some poster's attitude towards helping their adult children. Maybe it is a cultural thing?

mumof06darlings · 17/08/2018 01:37

I honestly can't see the problem. It's not like the op is getting thousands at a time. I think it's a lovely gesture from your Dad and your Mom needs to get over it. For some reason your Mom does have a problem with it- have you ever asked her or brought it up in conversation?

ilovesooty · 17/08/2018 01:39

For me the issue is that your parents have a joint account and are evidently not in agreement about this.
I think I'd feel uncomfortable accepting the money in this situation.

Rebecca36 · 17/08/2018 01:41

I get it. I think your mum may be a bit mean but it's possible that what she objects to is your dad just taking money out of their joint account to give to you. Does he not have his own separate account or could he not just bung you some cash occasionally?

You are so good being financially independent from such a young age. Most parents help their kids with money when they are much older than you. Husband and I do and my mum helped me very often.

Tessliketrees · 17/08/2018 02:32

It sounds fine, you're mum sounds tight.

I am baffled by the attitude towards familial borrowing/gifting on MN. I honestly think it's a class thing.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/08/2018 02:43

You talk in your Op about how your dad has always treated "us". Who is "us"?

Do you have siblings who are not being treated to handouts? If so your mum is right to be concerned.

Time to act like a grown up and manage your own finances. With your wage courses costing 200 quid should not be a massive burden. Certainly not worth causing problems in your family relationships.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/08/2018 03:40

Interesting that a pp said you’re a snowflake as you’re not a struggling student. In precisely this situation you didn’t get any money from your parents. You struggled.

As far as I’m concerned half the money belongs to your mother and half to your father. If it’s that offensive to your mother, they can always set up a joint account to pay bills and separate accounts for spends. Assuming that they’ve paid off their mortgage on 3k they possibly have an excess of half that. So even at a conservative estimate that’s say £600 each a month. If your df prefers to spend £70-100 of that excess on his dd rather than days out, holidays or golf, so be it. If they actually had their accounts set up like this you would get very different answers from people as he’d be spending his money, not joint money. However they have chosen not to set up their finances this way, which is wholly their choice but that shouldn’t mean you father can’t give you some of the surplus, which effectively is his.

I think the key to less friction in their relationship is for them to talk about giving you money first. She probably feels disregarded in this situation. If your father discussed it with her first, would she be more likely to say yes? Tbh if my dh gave dd chunks of money I’d feel disrespected. Not because I objected to the money but because I would have liked to discuss it first. However if I had the money and didn’t need it for something essential, I would not object.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 17/08/2018 04:25

Why wouldn't a loving parent want to help their DC even if they are adults? Even if OP can pay her way, which she obviously can, why wouldn't her father want to give her money to buy treats or whatever? I love spending money on my DC. What on earth's wrong with that?

I agree with the previous poster who said there should be separate accounts. Both DH and I have worked hard all our lives and everything is owned jointly, but I couldn't tolerate having to ask him before spending a few hundred pounds on our children, either by giving them money, buying theatre tickets etc, although I would tell him that's what I had done.

It sounds as though your mother finds it hard to get out of a frugal mindset, but everyone has different attitudes to money, often rooted in emotion as well as practicality. Can't you encourage her to enjoy herself a bit more - no pockets in a shroud and all that.

scaryteacher · 17/08/2018 07:33

We have just finished putting ds through his BA and MA without loans. He will be coming to live at home to job hunt, and we will help him with his deposit and initial rent when he first gets a job. However, if he is earning enough to cover rent, bills, food and perhaps some fun spends, then I don't see suspended to continue to subsidise him. £40k is more than I have ever earned, and I wouldn't have been looking to my folks for handouts.

Those of us who are in their 50s, with the last bits of the mortgage to go, and who have budgeted for retirement might better understand the mindset of the OPs Mum. The OP may not have a full picture of her parents finances, anymore than ds does of ours, or I do of my Mum's. The OPs Mum may have earmarked that surplus for something else.

The other question of course, is when does subbing your adult kids stop? It's one thing paying for a coffee each time, but will the OP still expect this in her 30s, or when she is married?

tinstar · 17/08/2018 08:13

£40k is a good salary but not the fortune some seem to think it is in London where rents and travel costs are phenomenal. I know most mumsnetters could feed a family of 10 for a year on what the op has left over each month, but please let's not pretend £40k in London is the same as £40k elsewhere.

NoSquirrels · 17/08/2018 08:15

£40k is a good salary but not the fortune some seem to think it is in London where rents and travel costs are phenomenal

It’s a great salary in your 20s with no dependants wherever you are. Londonis no exception to that if you are single and only housing and feeding yourself.

trojanpony · 17/08/2018 08:24

What NoSquirells said.

I say this as a Londoner who was in the exact same situation as the OP a few years ago, not as someone who claims to feed their family of 5 for a fortnight on one whole chicken.

Reading the updates the OP can’t seem to decide whether the money is for treats or “exams” Hmm
Either way receiving the money is fine (it’s her parents issue to sort)
My issue is she seems to suggest she deserves a medal for...being an adult.
I’m guessing a lot of her friends are still on handouts hence the I’m so amaaaaaaazing for being so semiindependent which also grates others on here.

BarnabyBungle · 17/08/2018 08:37

YANBU

This is something your parents need to sort between them and you shouldn’t get involved by refusing the gift or paying half back.

I struggle to understand why some people are so militantly against wealthy parents supporting their less wealthy children through life if they want to though.

This is common on all sides of my and my DPs family, and very common generally.... To sit on a pile while your children suffer is extremely mean-spirited. Assuming your children are in your will, they’ll get money anyway, so why wait until you die!

I think a lot of the snarky comments to the OP on here spring from jealousy more than anything.

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