Mum gets annoyed when dad helps me financially

[Ohsaycanusee]

Aibu? I have a good job but occasionally he gives me a bit of money from their joint account to help with things. I’m mid 20s. They are very well off through sheer hard work and saving. They have always treated us and she’s not stingy per se but not careful than him :s

But the op isn't a 'sponger', she's a daughter who sometimes receives monetary gifts from a parent and that is not an unusual situation.

I feel that people (some) on here are jealous of the fact that this girl's parents are well off and that she is given money when perhaps they have been less fortunate.

You have a nice dad. My DM would have no issue with this.

You should google Margaret Cash in Dublin, if you want a view on how people really view spongers. MN is very tame in comparison.

Er, I just did. Unfortunate woman in a horrible situation. I don’t see how that’s relevant though. I don’t think I’m a ‘sponger’ - my DM has made it very clear that she’s happy to help me out now, as she says “You might as well have it now darling, rather than when I’m dead.” Which hopefully won’t be for many years.

Not sure why you’re comparing me to some woman who has eight children and no way of housing them.

MN can be so typical. So much jealousy over a young woman making her way in London with a bit of help from her dad once in a while!

Ugh - if you have a good job and are a competent adult - why are you needing bail outs?

And not the odd tenner but £100's!

How well off THEY are is irrelevant.

"But I’ve already said I manage perfectly fine on my own" no you don't! If you did you wouldn't need them paying your deposits, fees for compulsory courses (which you must have plenty of notice to save for - like everyone else doing the same job).

I suspect your mums worried about the future - if they're quite well off they'll need to fund their own elderly care, that's very expensive.

If you don't need it - pay it back!

"My parents have never ever given me an allowance or anything. I supported myself throughout university. I have never asked for a thing!"

A earlier actions are irrelevant
B not entirely convinced that's the whole truth - if it were you'd be used to being self sufficient and good at budgeting
C "never asked" - that's my sisters stock phrase - technically she doesn't, she just plays the "poor me" card until they offer! She's in her 40's and a mother and STILL relying on bailouts!

On £40k a year you really shouldn't be needing their help. London based or not!

"You are expecting money though. Everytime you tell your dad about an expensive course or tenancy fees, you are expecting a handout." Exactly - it's playing semantics.

If you have savings use THEM for deposits, work costs etc - but I suspect you don't.

If they're boomers that makes them at least early 50's and by the sound of it already retired. Will likely live for another at least 30 years but without earning more money and as I said having to cover the costs of their elderly care themselves. Perhaps there are health or financial issues you're unaware of?

"Your mum has got your number, and that is why she is pissed off at the handouts." Yep that's what I'm thinking too.

"but please let's not pretend £40k in London is the same as £40k elsewhere." Oh please! I get so sick of the "but it's sooooo expensive in London" crap. Every major city in the country is more expensive to live in than the surrounding areas and in other parts of the country the wages are lower too so there are millions of people dealing with high living costs relative to their income. Plus there's millions of others living in London on MUCH less with dependants too.

"It always amuses me how people from priveleged backgrounds claim they got where they are all through their own hard work." Quite

Ahem

digitalsynopsis.com/inspiration/privileged-kids-on-a-plate-pencilsword-toby-morris/

Don't most parents enjoy treating their DC if they have lots of money? I think you're very lucky having parents who can afford to do this and one parent who wants to. I can't understand why your DM is bothered by it.
You're obviously grateful and, as you say, they are well off financially.
Ignore the sour grapes.

40k is not a lot in London, especially if you live alone. Yes, it’s a good salary for someone in their 20s but good doesn’t magically get cheaper because you’re younger. Also - this will be an unpopular view - but if she was my daughter I’d want / expect her to spend more money on socialising as a young single person. You can’t live like a hermit.

As far as the money is concerned - clearly your Dad can afford it but a lot depends on how they spend their other money. If your Mum would think nothing of splashing £200 in John Lewis on a mix of face cream, scented candles and a nice new top from Viyella without running it past your Dad, but gets arsey if he gives the same amount to you, she needs to give her head a wobble and consider if she’s jealous of your relationship with your Dad or your London life. If as a rule your Dad would object to your mum spending that amount of money without it being a joint decision but then he unilaterally gives £200 to you, she is being eminently reasonable and you should tell your Dad so.

*food, not good!

*Butterfly - spoilt princess?
*
Wow - more than a touch of the green eye there! The op can't help it that her dps are very well off.

What an utterly bizarre thread. I think you should post in chat OP. Here people can get quite frustrated (aside from thinking that anyone in London on 40k a year is an entitled princess, which they are not if they are paying rent and uni) especially if they didn't get the same treatment.

Just take a look at the bashing an OP is getting for being a SAHM to a wealthy husband, with people piling in to say she's surviving on his handouts. I figure if they ever got an inheritance they would give it out to a charity or burn it. How do parents they dare help grown up kids?

On the side, the DM shouldn't complain to OP but to her husband who is giving the cash out.

I know what you're saying OP and I don't think you sound entitled or unreasonable. It's between your parents, just be thankful for the help and stay out of it. If you haven't asked for the money then you have nothing to feel guilty about.

For what it's worth my DF if the same. I NEVER ask him for money (I am late 20's) but he transfers it to me anyway (he lives in another country). My sister (3 years younger then me) however does ask for money so I think this may be the reason I get it without asking (and constantly tell him I don't want it, to keep it himself). I think he's trying to be fair which is very kind but not expected.

My Step mum doesn't like it though. They don't have joint finances and she constantly gives her children (all older then me) money but for some reason she just really dislikes that my DF would help his own children out.

Just take the money this time and don't get involved. If your mother is upset with your dad this is between them. Even if you return the money, it won't stop your mum being annoyed with your dad.

I have never ever understood the English ethos of children being on their own financially as soon as they are 18 but I come from an Italian family and helping out family/,children financially is what good parents do even when their children are adults sometimes.

You could however talk to you dad and tell him to stop giving you money unless your mother knows about it and agrees as it is making you very unhappy and putting you in the middle of something that is between them (i e -how they use their money). Tell your mum what you have told your dad as wellso it is clear

I think if you make it clear how much their arguing over it makes you unhappy they may sort out something that is their problem not yours. You may not get much more money (or you may who knows) but it will make the atmosphere better

I think it's weird how you first said you need the money to pay for compulsory courses and then say you can actually afford it yourself and your dad just pops it in every now and again. You also said you need deposits and other monies as although you earn well you live in central London so you do need handouts from your parents but you also said you put yourself through uni which doesn't make sense if your dad is happily giving you money freely now when apparently you don't actually need it but at uni you struggled, so which is it?
None of what you say adds up op, you say one thing and then another and you sound quite petulant tbh.
I think you do need the money as that's quite clear because even on £40,000 in central London you must be struggling (I know I did!). My dh earns more than you, we live outside London now and have 2 wages coming in and we struggle at times.
You shouldn't feel bad about admitting that. I think it's fine to ask for help and not suffer financially if they have the spare cash. I would help my dc if they asked for it and my dm helps me out when we need it.
Your dad should really speak to your mum about it though even if it is only a few hundred here and there and they are loaded and it's a drop in the ocean. You are lucky to have a dad at all let alone one so generous so don't make it difficult between your parents. Don't except the money unless you really need it and pay it back when you can unless your mum agrees you can keep it as a gift. That's just manners.

Helping out a recent graduate get on their feet (flat deposit, a few essentials from Ikea, new suit for work etc) is pretty normal. Ongoing cash handouts to top up an already pretty decent salary is quite another. I personally would have been a bit embarrassed if was still accepting money from my folks in my mid 20s

Agree with this

@Longtalljosie

40k is not a lot in London, especially if you live alone. Yes, it’s a good salary for someone in their 20s but good doesn’t magically get cheaper because you’re younger. Also - this will be an unpopular view - but if she was my daughter I’d want / expect her to spend more money on socialising as a young single person. You can’t live like a hermit

40k will net OP how much after tax. £2400? A nice flat share in Islington is £600pm. Add bills, council tax, food etc, tube fare, etc, it should still leave OP with at least £1k disposable income each month.

Of cpurse OP may be living in a much nicer flat share or even have her own flat. The point is that you can live a perfectly lovely life with a great social life as a single person in London on 40k. We did ok on 22k pa!

butterflysugarbaby - but to just chuck money at adult children when they earn more than their parents is just weird.

Butterfly - please can you enlighten me then as to what DH and I should do with our money? We are mid fifties, have very substantial savings/investments - part from earnings/not being big spenders, part from a (v modest) inheritance and endowments, part from luck with stock market, we are still earning, have a myriad of pension pots and a house of 300k ish.

We have 2 young adult DC, neither with careers yet, but will have in next 5yrs or so, and will most probably earn more than us once we retire. Neither are spoilt by the way. They enjoy caravan and camping hols as much as long haul/cottage/hotel breaks. They both received (and been grateful for) a contribution to a car at 17, more for our benefit than theirs, so we didnt have to transport them to their PT jobs.

So if its weird for us to 'chuck' some of that money to DC in 5-10 yrs, what do you suggest we do with it? We don't want to save it all to hand over at death and whilst we may need care fees, we will be hard pushed to spend it all plus our eventual pension income.

Maybe you will suggest we build a bonfire and burn it, or just hand it out to random people in the street? We already give significant amounts to charity but I am not willing to give my entire wealth to them.

I really would like to hear your suggestions butterflysugarbaby. Surely giving it to DC when young is just sensible, not weird?

I think there is a lot of judgemental people on MN. Maybe its jealousy, maybe not. I also think there is a big difference between adults kids asking for/expecting handouts (as my DB did) and parents doing some sensible financial planning and handing on some wealth when the DC need it most as they start off in life, rather than inheriting it all in their 50s/60s.

This isn't about you, Sophiesdog.

This isn't about you, Sophiesdog

It's not about Butterflysugarbaby either. Yet she's comparing her own situation, with parents in straitened circumstances, with the OP's who are very well off. And calling the op names for accepting money from her df.

It's interesting to see it from the OP's dad's POV, though, @Bluelady since he's not on the thread. It's up to him how he spends his money, and helping out his adult DD is a very legitimate way to spend his money.

But obviously he should be discussing it with his DW so that they're on the same page. This is the issue here, not the money so much.

It's a real shame that the OP has left the thread as the pile on has stopped and it's become a very interesting discussion. Apart from one or two posters like butterflysugarbaby who continues to make snarky comments about her like calling her a 'spoilt princess', but they're very much in the minority now.

The issue is not that the OP's father is helping her financially. Most of us would choose to help our children to the extent that we can.

It's that he's doing it from funds that don't belong solely to him, his wife isn't happy about it, and the OP's reaction to that is disrespectful to say the least.

She says she doesn't need the money, so why take it when she knows it is causing strife at home?

And why no acknowledgement that the money comes from both parents and not just her father?

I don't like the dynamics of this.

Sophiesdog11
Well said. You are I guess in the same position as me and the OP's parents. I have two adult DC one of whom has just started a career and lives at home. And no I don't charge him rent. In fact I still pay money into a save to buy ISA for him. I also fully expect to hand over a large sum for a house deposit as well.
I imagine if I planned to spend it all on cruises there would be accusations of being an evil baby boomer. I'm probably still the enemy on MN because I prefer to hand over my hard earned savings to my DC before they are middle aged and no longer need it.
The venom on here is envy.

funds that don't belong solely to him
He has £3k a month just from a private pension. He gave the OP £200 a few times. I'd say that was small change.

So why the fuck did you ask the question if you don't like the replies you're receiving. If you can't afford to provide those things for yourself and you are this principled person who has always worked part time and funded your degree why all of a sudden you're taking money from your parents?? Maybe when you're older and have lived your life you will look at this question and think very differently. When you have kids, if you have any I think your opinion will be very different also.