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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum gets annoyed when dad helps me financially

231 replies

Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 21:55

Aibu? I have a good job but occasionally he gives me a bit of money from their joint account to help with things. I’m mid 20s. They are very well off through sheer hard work and saving. They have always treated us and she’s not stingy per se but not careful than him :s

OP posts:
BarnabyBungle · 17/08/2018 08:42

QueenDoris

Jealousy is a ugly trait.

How is the Dad being a mug for helping out his less wealthy daughter? God forbid families should support and help each other... they should all be selfish and miserly with their money, and not pay them a penny once they’re over 18 no matter how rich they are and how poor they are Hmm

Lazypuppy · 17/08/2018 08:46

@Ohsaycanusee i don't see why you're getting such a hard time.if your dad wants to help/treat you then why shouldn't he.

My mum has always done the same. Sometimes its cash, sometimes its a loan (like when our boiler broke) and i paid her back, and other times we take it in turns to buy lunch for eachother.

Just cause you're an adult doesn't mean your dad can't still help if he wants to.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 17/08/2018 08:54

Of course you should feel uncomfortable about it! Your mum is not in full agreement of this allowance.

I hope mum gives herself an extra £200 each time and saves up for a nice little holiday. You and dad moaning about her on the phone as she swans out with her suitcase!

apriljune12 · 17/08/2018 08:54

Ah op it’s the mumsnet world verses the RL.

In real life most parents and most families help each other out as much as they can. We have given our oldest 2 house deposits because we could afford to.

It’s what parents do in real life if they can afford to but you must understand on mumsnet giving money to over 18s is frowned upon. Like not charging them rent if they are still st home even when you don’t need the money.

Your mum sounds mean.

CSIblonde · 17/08/2018 11:26

Surely work help with fees for study compulsory for the job? If its occasional & they are wealthy I can't see what your Mum object's to. My mum was always well off but tight & was left a very wealthy widow & still had issues with £ as a power & control to. Does your Mum have similar issues around money or is it a product of an already not great relationship with her?

CSIblonde · 17/08/2018 11:28

Oops, should read:
money as a power & control tool

Thesuzle · 17/08/2018 11:30

Cripes you lot, it”s better to give with warm hands rather than cold, I’m passing as much on as poss, if only to see my two kids enjoy it

HollowTalk · 17/08/2018 11:33

I help my kids out all the time and love it. I wouldn't love it if they depended on it or if they couldn't stand on their own two feet, but yes, of course, if I have some spare money I'll share it with them. Why are people acting as though that's an abnormal thing to do?

As for people saying every penny should be approved - this is their daughter! It's not as though her dad is throwing money at prostitutes; he's trying to help out their child.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/08/2018 11:37

OP my dad does this too.
I really appreciate it.
He's pulled me out of a hole or 2 in the last few years.
Don't know what I'd do without him.
And I'm nearly 50!!!!
I don't have the mum issue though as my poor mum has no idea what's going on around her (Alzheimer's)
Although before this she would always put £30 in my pocket or my bag when I visited and I'd find it sometime later - bless her.
Same as your parents, just worked bloody hard and saved and was frugal and still is. But when it comes to me he wants to help just because he can.
I'll certainly do the same with my DD if I can afford it later in life.

IceCreamFace · 17/08/2018 11:37

I don't think your mum is BU to not what to give you money. By the sounds of it you don't need it so if she wants their joint money put to a different use that's totally fair enough. They should discuss it between them. That said if it's joint money as long as your dad is not spending more than his fair share of it he should be free to give some away to you if he wants to.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/08/2018 11:38

Why are people acting as though that's an abnormal thing to do?
I've no idea Hollow - some very odd responses here.

OutPinked · 17/08/2018 11:42

In most marriages/long term relationships money is joint. It’s not split ‘his and hers’, it’s all in one pot and it gets distributed accordingly. This has been my experience and that of those I know anyway. So he isn’t taking his money and she wouldn’t be taking hers, he's taking theirs. The issue probably is that he isn’t running it past her first.

Iloveantiques · 17/08/2018 11:47

If you are earning 40k then you should have enough money to budget for one off larger expenses like training courses. Try something like www.youneedabudget.com and then you won't need to take handouts from your dad

If you don't need the extra (like you implied in your earlier posts) then say thanks but no thanks.

Bluelady · 17/08/2018 11:56

If my husband was regularly giving money to one of our kids who was on £40k and had savings, my face would be pretty sour and I'd be positively arctic. Surely you bring your kids up to be independent? Success is their not needing or wanting hand outs as adults.

Missingstreetlife · 17/08/2018 12:03

Maybe she's upset he doesn't consult her, I would be even if happy to give money, which I would, but this is souring relationships

marns · 17/08/2018 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxhog · 17/08/2018 12:10

I suspect that it isn't that your Mum minds Dad giving you money, it's that he doesn't respect her enough to consult her about how he spends THEIR money. So it isn't really about you.

apriljune12 · 17/08/2018 12:15

But if you can’t give it to your kids who would you rather give it to?

Our kids are independent and doing good but we still help out if we can.

NoSquirrels · 17/08/2018 12:16

It's not the accepting cash from your parents that is abnormal.

It's not the dad wanting to give cash to his daughter that is abnormal.

It's that somehow the dad and the mum have a MARITAL issue about it - for whatever reason - and the OP is unwittingly complicit in it.

If OP's DM doesn't want her DH to keep giving handouts to their DD, that is between them. But somehow, OP knows that her DM is not speaking to her DF because of it.

I strongly suspect this is because the DF is speaking out of turn and therefore is behaving disrespectfully to his wife, regardless of whether it is "normal" to help out offspring on £40K a year.

What should be going on is:

DF gives money to DD.
DM says "Oi, you should stop that for X reason"
[where X could be anything at all - not being fair to other DC by doing the same; leaving them as a retired couple short for something they meant to buy/do; on principle that DD has had X amount recently already]
DF apologises to his wife for doing it without consulting her.
The end.

What seems to have happened is that DF has either ignored his DW in the past on this, or wants to be the 'good guy' so thinks he's free to bring his DD into disputes with his DW.

DD is an adult, as are her parents. She shouldn't be privy to their disagreements about money etc. Why is she? Because her DF told her. Thus putting her DM in a worse position than if she's never mentioned it.
DM becomes the "bad guy" who is "tight".

It's not really about whether adult children get money still from their parents.

It's about respect, as far as I can see.

Bluelady · 17/08/2018 12:20

April, helping out's fine. If any of our four need money for something specific, like an unexpected expense, of course we help out. But I'd be pissed off by constant gifts of £200 to someone who should be financially independent "just because". A few of those quickly add up to a substantial sum.

AlmaGeddon · 17/08/2018 12:25

We give to adult DCs - why wouldn’t you. The gold plated pensions that we baby boomers get won’t be around when our DCs reach retirement and if either of us live to a ripe old age the DCs could be in their 70s when/if they inherit. Dm perhaps wants you to graft like they did.

ApolloandDaphne · 17/08/2018 12:27

I haven't RTFT but i just wanted to say that DH and i have a 25 yo DD who lives in London and DH pings her a bit of money from time to time to help her out with expenses. He gave her some money recently as she has a new job and will need to buy herself some smarter clothes.

Sometime he tells me he has done this sometimes he doesn't. I really don't mind at all. Sometimes i pay for things for DD1 an DD2 and don't feel the need to tell DH. As long is no-one is out of pocket or struggling financially i can't see the issue.

It isn't about DC still being reliant on the bank of mum and dad, it is about parents enjoying being able to help out or treat their DC.

Teddy1970 · 17/08/2018 12:34

If BOTH parents agree to give you money now and then...fine, but the fact that it upsets your mum and it's causing trouble in their marriage and you still accept it? I would have to say a kind but firm no to the money, not if it causes rows between my parents.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 17/08/2018 12:35

Helping out a recent graduate get on their feet (flat deposit, a few essentials from Ikea, new suit for work etc) is pretty normal. Ongoing cash handouts to top up an already pretty decent salary is quite another. I personally would have been a bit embarrassed if was still accepting money from my folks in my mid 20s. Myself and my peer group all struggled financially at times after uni but we all soldiered on and made do with what we had and cut our respective cloths to suit. You are coming across as a bit of a ‘daddy’s girl’ OP.

ThatFridayFeeling · 17/08/2018 12:36

I'm not sure if the OP has bowed out of this thread already but I thought I'd throw my opinion in anyway:

  1. I don't think it's a big deal for a parent/parents to give their child money every now and again - whether for courses, treat, life events. I know my parents have helped me out loads over the years and I am grateful everytime although certainly do not expect or feel entitled to any of it.
  1. The issue here is between OP's DD and DM. That's for them to sort out, not for the OP to get involved although it sounds difficult when DM becomes "frosty".
  1. Despite point 1. I think the OP has reacted immaturely to posters who have disagreed with her and I think she expected to have her POV supported. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter if MN agrees or not, she'd already decided what she thought was right and was pissed off when offered a different opinion including passive aggressive and dismissive remarks aimed at specific posters to minimise their contribution.