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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum gets annoyed when dad helps me financially

231 replies

Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 21:55

Aibu? I have a good job but occasionally he gives me a bit of money from their joint account to help with things. I’m mid 20s. They are very well off through sheer hard work and saving. They have always treated us and she’s not stingy per se but not careful than him :s

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Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:20

No more like 500 deposit - yes obviously paid back, I said loan

So many sour reactions

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TotHappy · 16/08/2018 22:20

Maybe it's because they have saved and been careful themselves and you won't learn to manage on your own otherwise?

And i don't mean that snarkily! My dad is the same. And yet i do feel slightly guilty.

ElainaElephant · 16/08/2018 22:21

So as half is his, he should be able to spend it as he pleases without speaking to the other party?

Does it go both ways?

Do you think your mother should be able to spend however much money she feels like on something without discussing it with your father?

QforCucumber · 16/08/2018 22:21

Think of it this way,
Every 2-3 months 200 disappears out of your bank account without your knowledge. Are you annoyed about this? Yes of course. If your dad isn't discussing it with your mum theb why are you surprised?!

Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:21

But I’ve already said I manage perfectly fine on my own Confused

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AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2018 22:21

Then don’t accept it.

Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:22

Yes my mum absolutely can do that! She controls the purse strings if anything!

If 200 disappeared from my account every few moths I would have absolutely no issue with it! His pension alone is about 3k per month, they are retired

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Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:23

There’s some really bitter posters on here tonight

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Howhot · 16/08/2018 22:26

Wow your attitude is really something OP. They need to decide together and you say you don't even need it so I think it's fair of your mum to be a bit Hmm if he's not even discussing it with her.

Birdsgottafly · 16/08/2018 22:28

If you don't need it and are happy to give money away yourself. Why are you doing something that causes trouble between your Parents?

Why don't you give her Mum half of it back?

Acitywallandatrampoline · 16/08/2018 22:29

Why do you think she gets annoyed? Makes no sense if they are well off? Not sure why it is shocking to people that your Dad wants to help you. I know people who get far more help than that. I say that and I never had help, but my parents where never in a position too.

Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:30

I don’t know why she gets annoyed.

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Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:31

She has always been like this wrt money

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SilverySurfer · 16/08/2018 22:31

I don't think your DM is unreasonable but your DF is for not discussing it with her first.

At your age I would not accept handouts from my parents and at one point I took on an evening/weekend job in addition to my main job to support myself through a tricky financial spot.

Dollymixture22 · 16/08/2018 22:33

It’s odd that your parents can’t seem to agree on this. Lots of parents help out their kids like this. Many would rather help out when their children are starting out rather than leave everything to an inheritance.

I agree the odd part is your parents disagreeing, your dad going ahead and you knowing about this!!!

But it is between them. All you need to do is thank them

edwinbear · 16/08/2018 22:33

Is it the money or your entitled attitude that winds her up OP? There are lots of MNetters living in London without their parents helping out. I moved to London at 18 and always supported myself, I’ve never needed my parents to bank roll me, for flat deposits, work courses or anything.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 16/08/2018 22:33

I wouldn’t accept the money without both my parents fully happy with it. £200 every couple of months seems to be a regular thing in my eyes certainly not a one of gesture.

Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:34

How am I entitled?!

My parents have never ever given me an allowance or anything. I supported myself throughout university. I have never asked for a thing! It is only now that he gives me the odd gift.

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Want2bSupermum · 16/08/2018 22:35

I think the issue is that your mother is annoyed that they are subsidizing you without her DH discussing it with you first. Have you spoken to your mother about your finances? She is probably upset that she is being shut out. They also might not be as wealthy as you think.

Dollymixture22 · 16/08/2018 22:36

Most of my friends got house deposits paid by parents. It’s really not unusual for financial gifts to continue into adulthood.

Some parents don’t want or can’t afford to give gifts on that scale. And that is also absolutely fine!

Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:36

I really am confused by some of these comments.

I warn around 40k a year and have worked ridiculously hard to get where I am - I work long hours and have studied hard and achieved good marks. I don’t expect hand outs. What is with the vitriol

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Original poster
Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 22:37

They are as wealthy as I think Supermum. I would never expect a slice of this though!

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Bimgy85 · 16/08/2018 22:38

Don't mind her! My dad was always like this he was always wanting to help and my mum always turned her nose up at it whenever he lent me money or paid for emergencies like a broken boiler etc

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/08/2018 22:39

This sounds like an unpleasant little power game to me.

Joint money in a marriage is exactly that, not half mine and half yours. He is undermining your DM and you are colluding with him.

gindrinkingmarypoppins · 16/08/2018 22:40

Unfortunately that's AIBU for you OP. I completely understand what you're saying, not that my parents have ever given me any cash bung when I've needed it (even though they could well afford it).
Do you know why your mother has a problem with it? I think if you had an understanding of her views about it you may feel differently. Ask her!

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