Mum gets annoyed when dad helps me financially

[Ohsaycanusee]

Aibu? I have a good job but occasionally he gives me a bit of money from their joint account to help with things. I’m mid 20s. They are very well off through sheer hard work and saving. They have always treated us and she’s not stingy per se but not careful than him :s

The answers on here are hilarious! Most people I know, if their parents could, have had parental money at some time or another, sometimes for formal stuff like house deposits, frequently for rental deposits, for courses, rent, just because money because it's nice if you have money to share it.

I will be giving my kids what I like, whether my husband pulls faces or not. I think it's very important that each gets similar amounts though, but other than that, it's one of life's pleasures to give money, time or energy to your family, and he likes doing it, so as far as I'm concerned he should carry on. If your mum resents £200 a few times a year, then that's up to her. She sounds extraordinarily tight given their relatively wealthy circumstance- paying for work courses is hardly pissing it up the wall on champagne, is it?

Other things people's parents have paid for that I know of- a car and car rental, holidays, a trip to Ikea with a budget, stuff for their new house, all types of things. That's without going into people who have been bought property, allowed to live at home in London whilst interning, all types of financial legs-up.

Most people do want to help their families including financially if they can, unless they are drug addicts or there's some compelling reason not to do so. 25% of mortgage deposits are from parents, it's a pretty common thing.

What a lot of nastiness on here! Can we give this woman a break at all?

It is a bit infantilising to still be slipping a 25 year old random money gifts, I think. If one of my adult children needed a short term bail-out, for a specific unexpected expense, a rental deposit or an unexpected repair bill, for example, me and my H would first discuss it with each other, and then if in agreement, would offer it.

Neither of us would make a unilateral decision and we certainly wouldn’t just transfer it into their bank accounts like an allowance.

So, I suspect your mum has two objections - firstly that he is making unilateral decisions about joint finances and secondly that he is giving you financial gifts too frequently.

My advice is that you take control and wean both of you off this habit gradually. You can be confident that they will help you out if you are ever in real financial difficulty, which is a privileged place to be, and shouldn’t be taken for granted or exploited.

Honestly, if you don’t ask for the money, then I don’t think your parents money argument is your problem.

My parents would sometimes put some money in my account when I was at university - I didn’t go around checking that they had both agreed to it. I just thanked whoever I next spoke to and was grateful.

I also don’t think it’s fair to jump on the OP about her parents giving her a gift. My parents wouldn’t give me a gift of cash any more because I’m better off than they are. But when I bought my first house they paid for the batch of second hand furniture I had arranged to fill it. My granny still sends some money to my bank account for my birthday now!

And yes, we all know each other’s bank details. That’s how I pay my brother for his half of the Netflix subscription, or my mum for her half of the holiday, or my dad back if he buys something in Screwfix, or they pay me if I do some grocery shopping for them. I don’t think this is a hugely odd thing.

I love mumsnet posters who believe if anyone’s life philosophy or experience does not exactly mirror theirs it’s wrong and worthy of ridicule.

My husband deeply resented any money spent helping our son out with university, believing he should learn to stand on his own two feet. After post grad study for which he got no help from student loans and had large fees to pay, he has done incredibly well. Without help he would still be working a poorly paid job role, so I do not regret using my own money to help him out. I left school at 16 and wanted so much more for our children.

For us the only answer to avoid arguments was for me to open my own bank account and have my earnings paid in directly, then contribute equally to joint bills paid from our joint account. Oddly enough DH never resented helping our daughter who did nursing as a mature student, so any money she gets (she has needed help and lived at home rent and bills free whilst doing her course) came from the joint account, with no argument. It has been the large amount spent on post grad study that DH resented.

It came as a shock to DH to find that after years of me paying all my income into our joint account that I could suddenly be stubborn. He has just had to suck it up.

My children have always been supported at university (sufficient for them not to need student loans; I found out later that they had taken out student loans, but that’s a whole other thread).

First cars, deposits on first houses, weddings ... always shelled out, and your parents sound much better off then me!

When my children have difficulties (like relationship breakdown (whole other thread again)) I help pay the rent till they get back on an even keel.

Few things make me happier than helping my kids to have good, happy and productive lives. And anyway, when I die it’s all going to be theirs. If I have a bit of money I don’t really need right now, to what better use could I put it than to help my children?

And yes, I do contribute regularly to charities.

Well you might find their wealth is for their retirement and your mother is upset that your father is giving you money they need when they are no longer working.

Wealth is relative. You can also be wealthy but not feel it. Also if you are indeed well paid why are you struggling so much with known expenses. £40k a year should be enough to get by in London with no DC. I can see why your mother is upset. You should be budgeting for these known expenses.

The big gripe for me is that I have never ever expected money from my parents. I have worked from 16 (part-time), took a gap year which helped me pay for university and never received an allowance... I don’t like your assumption that I am reliant on the bank of mum and dad when actually it is far from the case!

You are expecting money though. Everytime you tell your dad about an expensive course or tenancy fees, you are expecting a handout.

I do think that you are poor at money management if you are earning £40k and need help with £200 every few months, even in London.

And you talk about not expecting money from your parents as if you deserve a medal. That's the situation for most people.

No issue with parents supporting adult DC if they want to but it's clear your mum thinks you should handle your own shit (as the Americans say).

Yabu to accept if you know it upsets your Mum. He is being even more unreasonable to give joint money without discussing it. You do sound very entitled arguing with anyone who thinks that and repeating that you fully support yourself, whilst taking an awful lot of money (to many people, myself included) from your Dad. If you're so determined to stand on your own 2 feet say no and send it back.

My parents have never ever given me an allowance or anything. I supported myself throughout university

Erm OP that's normal. You're entitled because you think because you've experienced what most people do (some have it much much worse) it's ok to take regular handouts from your father, when you say you don't need them and it's causing issues in your parents' relationship. If you don't need them don't take them. Also a one off help with a deposit or unexpected cost, is different to regular handouts which is what you're getting. I also don't know why the amount of your father's pension is relevant. It's not your money.

I feel like it’s a summeriseasu situation. If we were very comfortable, I wanted to contribute to an adult child and it upset dp, I’d be pretty annoyed and can easily see me end up saying it’s my money too, this is what I’m doing with it. I would be pissed off if dp was frustrated enough by this to project it onto our child.

You earn £40k a year as a single person with no commitment and yet your parents need to bail you out give you pocket money

It’s fine(?)... but let’s not insist you’re some independent sassy pants Beyoncé, doing it on your own...

Is this a reverse? I expect to see another thread entitled 'should I be annoyed that my DH spaffs our hard earned cash on our feckless DD'

What is wrong with some people??

You don’t know how much I have in savings! You don’t know how hard I’ve had to work to get where I am either

How am I feckless? How am I squandering money? Some very weird attitudes

Don't you know op that, on Mumsnet, dcs are meant to pay rent from their first paper round, fund themselves through university and never ever expect any financial help from their parents? Those of us that don't abide by those rules are raising feckless, entitled, profligate people with zero ability to manage their own finances.

That makes me a bad mother as I don't charge rent and love helping my dcs out - especially when I know they could do with a bit of help and they're not expecting it. I put £200 into dc3's account this afternoon/ from our joint account WITHOUT consulting DH.

Do you think your mother would be this annoyed if you actually needed the money? Or do you think she's annoyed because (as per your claim) you don't need the hand out?

How have they been spending their retirement on themselves? Are they living frugally or living it up?

DH and I have a joint account. If I wanted to give one of my DC money to help them out, I would do it. In the same way that I would buy my self something without referring to him. I would check and see if we could afford it, and if if I thought we could, I'd make the expenditure, probably up to about £300 without consultation.
I expect your dad likes to be able to help you out, and you say they are well off so a few hundred quid here or there doesn't make any difference to them overall.
Why does your mum object? Does she control the finances? Is your Dad a bit of a spendthrift, or is it that she likes to be in charge?
Surely he is entitled to spend his money on his children if he wants to?

Tin star you bad mother you!! This child will spiral down a path of selfish entitlement and you will wind up broke and divorced. 😂😂😂

Still waiting on the thread 'My snowflake DD gets all whiny when MN doesn't agree that it is acceptable to sponge off my elderly parents'

It is nice of your Dad but I wonder if your mum is annoyed because it is clearly from both of them really but only Dad gets the thanks as he gives it from him alone.

Some really good points

They are both self made baby boomers and got where they were through careful decisions, planning and pure graft really.

They both have similar attitudes to money and have been frugal in their retirement - they have a nice lifestyle but don’t really buy new clothes, buy nice food but take pleasure in finding bargains and really are very frugal indeed. I have said to them time and time again to enjoy it, they’ve worked so hard for it that now is the time for them to relax and enjoy but I think they do genuinely take pleasure from being frugal. Which I understand and admire.

I know my mum’s intentions aren’t bad, I just don’t really understand them. She knows I don’t take the piss, hence I feel offended at the implication that I do? My dad is giving me money to be generous and to give me a treat/present... I would much rather they never gave me another penny than for it to cause ructions like this

QueenDoris - 0/10, what are you talking about love 😂

OP, no-one can say if your mum is BU unless her motives are known. Everything else is guesswork.